Is Anybody Out There??

I thank my 3 lovely followers for following me. :) However, my front porch is rather empty...I think I saw a tumbleweed roll by just now.

I'm still without my Beast. I called two different people. Both have yet to call me back. I called one guy, unfortunately he is a friend of my ex, so I'm thinking he just blew me off. The other guy is a friend of someone I met at work. I called him and he told me "I could probably look at it tomorrow. I will call you tomorrow." Tomorrow was yesterday.

I'm beginning to feel my self-esteem plummet.  Who gets stood up by not just one, but two mechanics, especially when it's a date with your vehicle and not you? That's the lowest of low points if you ask me.

I have insurance due on the Beast this week. I'm going to pay 80 bucks for something that isn't working. There should be an "if your vehicle craps out you don't have to pay" clause in there, but I'm sure there isn't one.

I also have a cable/internet/phone bill due. Along with an electric bill and groceries.

God I hate being single some days.

I hate being poor even more.

Anyway, I'm sitting here fretting about all of this stuff. Been up since 4:24. Makes for a pretty long morning of worry.

Part of me just wants to run away and go back home. I'd have to leave the kids here.

That won't work.

The sane part of me says "stick it out, it'll get better", but will it really?

I couldn't leave my kids for starters. I just couldn't. Even though my boys love their dad more because he has the luxury of buying them video games, cell phones and fancy dinners, I wouldn't want to leave them and I certainly don't want to leave my daughter either.
My daughter told me yesterday, "He likes daddy more than you," referring to her youngest twin brother who made that comment to his father a few weeks ago.

Then in anger, my oldest twin son will tell me "I wish(insert ex's girlfriend's name here) was my mom!" Really? I wonder why I bother at all.

I'm just so darn exhausted from fighting for the things I love. Especially when those I don't love(ex) get all the glory.

But I continue with the fight, in hopes his liver will crap out from all the drinking he does and he'll realize the error of his ways and all will be harmonious between us to co-parent simultaneously, or someone will knock some sense into him and he'll see my point of view on parenting. Buying a child's love doesn't win their love forever, only until you run out of money to buy them bigger things...then the well of love will run dry.

I'm just a mangled mush of a mess here.

Seems that I just can't seem to get ahead.

Sure I'm not the only struggling single parent out there. I've said that before. But my God, why can't I get a little bit of sunshine in my life every now and again?

My life is the brick theory.

This is what my mother said to me one time when I was around 18 or so. I can't remember what horrible life event happened when she brought this up, but she told me

"Your sister could fall in a pile of dog crap and come out smelling like roses. You, on the other hand, could be standing in the middle of a room of a million people, a brick would fall and land on your head."

Oh my God she hit the nail on the head.

It's direct and to the point that's for sure.  My life has always been a three-ring circus of drama and bad choices or consequences. Now that I've finally figured out what I want out of life, it's too late and the circus won't leave town.

My sister does have a golden life. 

She always has.

It's just how her life was meant to be.

She's always been dealt a royal flush, meanwhile I have been dealt the toilet flush in life.

She's a good person, don't get me wrong but everything in her life just flows like a waterfall. She has a perfect home, perfect hubby, wonderful kids.  Things always manage to work out for her.

Then there is me, I dated crappy guys, got screwed over, made poor choices and do the "shoulda, woulda, coulda dance" over and over in my head.

What's the point?

Seriously, what's the point of going through all the madness if at the end of the day, if me and my kids are miserable?

So I just sit here like a leaf blowing in the wind waiting for where that wind will take me next.

I just wish I had someone I could talk to who understands exactly what I am going through. 

And how they got out of it, or if they ever did.

Time to get my day started. It's almost 7 and I have to get my kids up and ready. I'm getting a ride from someone and I don't want to keep them waiting. 8:30- comes really quick around here. 

So if anyone out there is listening, I could really really use a positive word of encouragement. A hug, prayer, positive energy, whatever you can spare. 

Thanks.