Feeling a little better today.
Yesterday was really icky for me. I hate days like that. They come and go. Sometimes though the one icky day feels like eternity for me.
I took my kids to the local water park for some last minute summer fun. Nine bucks got us in there, that's all I can afford at this point. We stocked up on water and for three hours I sat under a canopy in the hot desert sun(it was well over 100 out there today) in my jeans and a t-shirt baking while my kids enjoyed their time in the pool and on the slides. It went by fairly fast. Got home and made dinner. Now they are feasting on ice cream they bought with money they had saved in their piggy banks.
Well, I've been officially cast out of my friend's life for good. She didn't even give me a chance to apologize or tell her what happened. Another friend of mine, whom I've known for a good 10 years (plus) told me that she was probably upset I got a better job and she didn't. I don't know what to think. I don't read minds. Neither does my friend who gave her theory on this whole thing. The only person who knows why she deleted me out of her real life is the friend who won't talk to me. I've had friends like that before in my life. Isn't the first time that someone has shunned me because I got a better deal in life than they did. And what they fail to realize is, they usually have it better than I do anyway no matter how much money I make or where I go in life.
Done talking about that topic. I am moving forward. I lost a supposed friend because I care about my kids. Crazy huh? Real friends don't write off a real friend, they talk and work out the issues that are bothering them.
Didn't I say I was done talking about this?
So, I am probably going to be burnt to a crisp by morning. I will have a lovely farmers tan to show off. Yay me!
What else is going on in my world?
Hmm....nothing much really.
I have some laundry and cleaning to do, but that can wait until tomorrow. My kids and I have plans this evening, then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Going to sleep in until my body will let me sleep anyway. Today I woke up at 5:30. Yeah, that's right, 5:30. That's sleeping in for me.
This one girl in our class told us a joke the first day of school. She said, "Knock, knock" and the other teacher and I said, "Who's there?" and she said, "Wouldn't you like to know!" ha ha ha ha !!!!
These kids are hilarious.
And her presentation was perfect. She's a tiny little thing, would blow away in the wind I tell ya.
I like this job.
It's a lot of work though.
And this job is something that I've always wanted to do. Teach. Really teach.
So, that's what I'm doing.
I have to go now.
Time just got away from me.
I have plans...with my kids....so I need to go. We're done eating dinner now.
Have a wonderful week.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Feeling a little better today.
Posted by Barb at 4:40 PM
I've noticed lately that my blog posts have become rather dark and dreary.
I apologize for that.
A lot is going on in my life right now and I often wonder how I managed to get through a lot of it. Well, faith has something to do with it I suppose. I'm trying so hard to be a good Christian, I wonder some days if I am trying too hard. I don't think it should feel like an obligation to worship God, I don't know if that's the word I am looking for, but I am stressed worshiping God.
I love God.
And I suppose that with any relationship you go through random feelings throughout your time spent together, and even with the Almighty I guess this is "normal"? This is something I need to speak to my pastor about. Because in all honesty, I don't like feeling this way.
I went to apply for a checking account last Saturday. The woman put in my info, said "Yep, you're good to go." Well, yesterday I went to my mail box and low and behold, there is a letter addressed to me, from my insurance company starting with the following words..."We regret to inform you...blah blah blah".
My whole world shattered.
I started to cry in the car, while driving my kids to their grandmother's to pick up their swim suits.
I was so excited to finally have a bank account. Yet, for some reason, (I know the reason and it's not my fault this happened) I can't get one 14 years after the reason of why I couldn't get one began.
I'm in a dark place again. I hate this. I miss my normal self. I miss being so happy and chipper. I miss not crying every night wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month...where will I live? Will I lose my kids? These thoughts haunt me day and night. I struggle to keep myself sane, I struggle to keep myself focused, I struggle basically to stay alive.
I don't want to die.
Nobody wants to die. But with the big hoopla lately since Robin Williams passed(may God rest his weary soul) about depression, nobody seems to understand how the simplest thing can turn the world of a depressed person upside down so much so that they revert to taking their own life.
You feel like a failure to your children, your friends, your parents. Like in some way you've let them down because you are just a pathetic waste of air. You want to just end it all because, well, life would be better for everyone if you were gone.
I have a friend who told me suicide is selfish.
Because true you leave loved ones behind, and they mourn your loss, but they continue with their lives, and eventually forget the pain of losing you. It's the cycle of life.
No...no...no....nobody panic or call the suicide hotline. I blog for this very reason. I blog instead of popping some pills or slitting my wrists as some depressed folks would do. This is my way of escaping. This is my way of dealing with the dark thoughts that consume me on the days when I think, "I can't take this anymore".
I am alone.
So alone, it kills me inside.
No family, no friends...several acquaintances...but no true, besties that I have out here. No man to hold me at night and tell me "everything will be okay", I can't even afford a dog...who would be more loyal than any man ever could be.
I pray, and pray and pray.
I ask God please remove me and my children from this wretched hell called Vegas. I cry out at night, hoping that one day God will save us from this place.
Yet here we sit...still fighting the battles in this crappy community I live in that I have now referred to as "satan's playground". Because all that happens here is violence and misery. People in this community are dark and creepy and filled with evil. My boys just had some kid yank their arms and threaten them yesterday. I need to get out of here. Not just the community but this stupid city.
I prayed in the car that we would be saved and sent somewhere safer. I cried as I prayed. I almost had to pull over I was crying so hard.
I'm sorry for the depressing posts here. I hope you will continue to hang in there while I go through whatever this life changing circumstance is in my life. I keep saying to God, "Lord, just give it all to me now so that I can be done with it. If you want to take me home, I'll come running to you with open arms."
I'm so tired.
I'm exhausted...physically and mentally.
I try to stay afloat for the sake of my children....and only my children.
Lord please help me find a way. Help me find a way to save my children and myself before it is too late.
I'm sinking and I need a life boat.
Help me Lord....because I am truly scared right now.
Posted by Barb at 8:00 AM
Thursday, August 28, 2014
I don't know if it will happen.
But I'm going to try my hardest.
I want to be published.
I want a legacy to leave to my children. Some part of me that can be shared with them, when I turn old, grey and die.
Morbid thought I know.
I've always wanted to be published. When I was in grade school and graduating 8th grade, we had a "look into the future" part of our school newspaper. For me someone wrote, "Barb will be the next Barbara Walters". Okay, everyone knew I loved to write back then. I was on the paper at school, my English grades were fairly decent (B's and C's) and in high school I was on both the newspaper and yearbook staff.
It's one of my many passions in life.
To be published.
To have a monthly stipend that I can use to make my children's lives and my life a little better. To help in the community. To help education. To enrich the lives of others.
Plain and simple.
I'm hoping that some day someone will read my book and say "Hey! I can relate to this!" or "This was a good read, you should check out the ebook."
I am not sure what I will write about. But I know I want to write it.
So that's my goal for today.
To think about what I can write about....and make it happen.
That's a pretty good goal I think.
Speaking of goals....what's your goal for the day? For the week? For the next year from now?
*I hear the wheels spinning*
Sun is rising better get ready for work now.
Until next time.....
Posted by Barb at 6:17 AM
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Well now that the hoopla of my quitting my old job and getting my new one is over, there have been some pros and cons to the new job.
I have attained not only some much-needed sleep around here, but managed to lose a friend in the process.
Not sure if I mentioned it in my last blog or not.
It kind of bugs me, but here's the thing...this "friend" of mine clearly wasn't a true friend. Perhaps I was her friend of convenience. A friend only because we worked together. I've been used before, wouldn't be the first time. I thought we were true friends though, because she did a lot of nice things for me and especially my kids and she never complained about them....ever. She just was such a good person to us, and likewise I would reciprocate when I could. It's not just "any" person that I buy gifts for. There was another girl at work who I knew and she had a 1st party for her kid, and to be honest I wasn't very fond of the girl, but loved the kid. Cutie patootie he was. I was invited to the party. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go. Just because I'm invited doesn't mean I'm obligated, although it felt like it because the group of coworkers was so small and...well....personal.
I didn't go.
I didn't get the kid a gift either. I'm not mean, it's just we weren't friends. If I went around buying gifts for all the coworkers with kids birthdays, or anniversaries, or whatever comes along I'd be broke.
Now friends are a different story. When my family is taken care of, friends come next in line. If they need a kidney, mine is theirs(unless family got it first of course). I'll buy, sell, trade anything to help them out. This friend of mine is that friend(or WAS that friend I suppose). This friend and I had so many fun times together, and we laughed and cried and yelled and got angry, but through the worst of times, we still managed to hang in there and take care of each other and have a pretty good friendship.
Then I quit my job.
Then all hell broke loose.
Then she wouldn't return my calls.
I didn't DO anything to her personally. I quit my stupid job. It wasn't really all that stupid, it just got stupid towards the end of it, if it wasn't getting stupid I'd be stupid for leaving in the first place. Ya know??
Anyway, it's kind of like if you wanted to go out on a date with your husband, the kids are driving you crazy. You asked your friend to babysit that night. She says sure. Next thing you know she calls you up an hour before date time as you are squeezing into your control top, rubber-band like pantyhose to tell you she got a date with the hot looking UPS guy from work. Expletives are flowing through your head. You want to scream. You say nothing.
There is awkward silence after you tell her it's fine.*really, it's not*
You hang up.
Days go by and you're still fuming. You're friend on the other hand calls you to say how sorry she was that she bailed on you. Her and this guy are getting married and you are the matron of honor. Her UPS boyfriend has a teenage daughter who can babysit for you.
IN the end...everyone wins.
Because in life, nothing is guaranteed.
And when an opportunity presents itself, you have to take it.
My kids are the one's who I am doing this for.
They will always come first, and the huge sacrifices I am taking right now, will pay off by next year. It was the scariest thing I ever did taking that big gamble quitting that day. But I'm doing this for my children and to better our lot in life here.
But unfortunately my friend doesn't see this.
All she (probably) sees is that she was left to work with someone who she doesn't really get along with. I don't know how long she had to work with that person, because she never called me back.
It's been a week now.
I've stopped calling her and even deleted her on Facebook.
I don't have time for this right now, other pressing issues are in my life in the moment. I've already cried, gotten ticked myself and just let it go.
She has my number. She knows where I live. Send me a fruit basket, send me a fruit basket with moldy fruit to really let me know how she feels.
That's all I can do.
I will still be here, if she wants to talk. I don't hate her and I sure hope she finds happiness in her life.
I hope she got a big fat raise because of me leaving. I bet she will or has already.
That was her teenage babysitter....get the analogy there?
Posted by Barb at 9:09 PM
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Yesterday was rather interesting for me.
For starters, I ran around all morning first to pay my insurance and open a checking account. They were very friendly there(which is why I give them my customer loyalty and not some other company) and when I handed the agent a $100 bill and told her I needed the $10 change, the other agent took it and went to the store next door to get change.
Now that's customer service!
He came back, made change and then I said I wanted to open a checking account. Well, she said she needed a money order. So I got in my car and drove to the grocery store down the street to get one. It was then that I realized one of the bill statements I needed to pay a bill at the store wasn't in my purse. I could have done all of it in one fell swoop. Great! Now I had to drive home after my trip back to the insurance office and get the bill.
Then there was a line, and there was this little older Hispanic woman with a tiny zipper wallet full of change. She kept on pouring it into her hand, and dimes and nickles and pennies would be rolling all over the floor, making that "ping" sound each time they fell. She was mumbling something in Spanish each time they fell and she bent over to pick them up as others helped her find her stray change, as she was having a conversation with herself or something. Finally after the fourth time or so of the change all over the floor, I asked her, "Would you like me to help you?" and I cupped my hands and she dumped all that change into my hands. She began counting, "Uno, dos, tres,..." and I wanted to count out loud with her. Finally the line moved and I set her coins on the counter for her. She thanked me and I moved forward and got my money order and out the door I went.
Back to the agent's office I go.
I open my account. I get back in my car and I go home to get the stupid bill I forgot.
Head back to the grocery store.
Pay the bills I needed to pay. Got myself a chicken sandwich and went home. Took four bites of the sandwich, because I haven't been very hungry lately and I went to go and sit down.
There is a knock on my door.
It's my neighbor. She has a crisis. She has to be out of her (ex?) boyfriend's house by Thursday. She talks, I listen. I offer her water, and a cigarette to calm her frayed nerves. I call numbers for her to try and get her some assistance. On a Saturday in Vegas, that's a tough feat to accomplish. I give her my advice. I tell her just to hang in there. We make plans to go to church.
Prior to her visit, I should add here, her boyfriend was outside. He looked a bit upset. I ask him what's bugging him, and he starts going on and on about what is going on with her. I listen. I lend him a listening ear and a cigarette he asked for. He goes on his way.
Next thing I know we are in church. I buy her a tea and we split a muffin prior to church...thinking this might be her last opportunity to have a decent dessert. Come to find out now she won't be homeless. He said she can stay. I tell her she still needs to leave because she can't keep depending on him for security. It's her call, I don't know everything, my own life has it's own pitfalls thank you very much, so take my advice, don't take it. Unless I gave birth to you it doesn't matter what you do with my advice, know what I mean?
Then, something happened at church that shocked a friend of mine and myself. We are both in tears. I won't say what it was, but we also had some much needed "therapy time" together. I listened. Because she was always there for me when I had my dilemmas going on. She is still there for me as well if I need her.
We chatted and then I took my neighbor home and I came inside.
Next thing I know I'm getting ready to settle down...the phone rings....it's another friend of mine. She has some issues, and I listen, then she gives me her philosophies on her views of religion. I tell her my church isn't a "religion". You don't follow a set of man made laws, you follow God's law which is the Bible. I tried to tell her that God is there, and even though she follows a Wiccan path, the two are not the same. She kept insisting that all are the same.
All are not the same, God is God period. So then she kept apologizing for saying things she said. I am thinking to myself,(and probably should have said this) why are you apologizing for what you believe? If you believe that strongly in what you believe don't apologize to me. Maybe she was trying to convince herself that what she believes IS truth. I've met a lot of Pagans in my life, I was even Pagan at one time in my life, I was angry. Angry at God and a lot of people in my life at that time. I realize the error of my ways. My friend may never see that aspect, I still love her and will continue to pray for her, but I see her life falling apart at the seams and I want to say..."Please, stop. Find Jesus and come home to peace and comfort in him."
Let me share a hypothetical here. You have a child(not saying my friend is a child) but you have a child, and you see them making choices that will hurt them(or are hurting them). You try to help them, but they won't listen. They are so set in their minds that what they are doing is right, that they just dismiss everything you tell them. So you sit, and you wait, and you see a train-wreck coming. You can't save them. You've tried everything in your power to help them, but to no avail. Sometimes it takes a major atrocity to make them see the light.
Am I not going to be her friend, because she doesn't believe as I do? Absolutely not. She may decide that she has tired of me talking about God and coming back to him. But as a Christian I have to share God's word. It's my duty as a Christian to serve God and to minister to non-believers. If they get angry and decide to "unfriend me" or never call me again, that's their choice. But I will always care about those people, regardless of what they believe.
It's not an easy path. Our pastor even told us it would be a challenging path to walk with Christ.
I get that now.
I am struggling here with my own problems.
I just keep moving forward.
One day, one step at a time.
That's all I can do.
It's a rough journey. But I keep plugging away and hope for miracles here and there.
I got the job. Next I need to find the apartment or house to rent.
Then take it from there.
My ex decided to reduce the child support because I now make more money. What he doesn't realize is that come December, I will be kicked out of here for making this much money. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
This isn't easy.
But I have faith that God will get me through this. Not Buddha, not Isis, or Hermes or whomever others out there believe in...GOD.
This is my belief.
I'm not attacking anyone here by any means. But this IS what I believe to be truth. Maybe a soul or two will be saved by my blog....maybe not. Maybe some will read this and discard it as "nonsense". Whatever the case may be, I know that I will live my life according to God's word and nothing else.
Because as Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
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Thursday, August 14, 2014
After reading my most faithful follower's comment this morning it got me to thinking. I had tons of thoughts of what I wanted to say, so instead of blogging in a comment I am going to blog right here.
Bear with me as I get my thoughts together.
First of all to all of those folks out there(not just my dear internet friend) who feel icky, blah, out of sorts if you will and like life is meant to be spent on our couches or in our beds 24/7 let me say that the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out there and dance.
Dance in life. Kick off those fuzzy bunny slippers and your robe and just dance around the house. Come on now, shake your booty, wave your arms in the air and just get dancing!
"Dance til you can't dance til you can't dance no more..." -C and C Music Factory
(I thought of this song when I said Dance in life.....oldie but a goodie) LOL
And in the event there is no music, don't let the absence of music make you stop dancing. Make your own music.
Get out and go to the park.
Call an old friend from years ago or catch up with someone on Facebook you haven't talked to except when Facebook reminds you it's their birthday.
Find a hobby. There are plenty of things one can do to pass the time that do not require the use of a couch. Painting, blogging, jogging, taking a walk. Even those of you out there wheel-chair bound can enjoy the beautiful sights of God's creations by heading out doors. Inhale the fresh air, smell a flower, watch the butterflies, enjoy a sunrise or sunset with a nice cup of coffee or an ice tea(Very Berry Hibiscus from Starbucks, highly recommended).
Talk to a neighbor/make friends. I met my best friend in the world talking to a neighbor one time. Read my very first post and you will see just how much of a friend this woman was to me. My Best Friend Post It's amazing how much one person can change your entire world with a cup of coffee and conversation while watching the sun rise and/or set.
Take a class. Tons of Adult Ed classes out there at local community colleges. I took three writing courses at UNLV. Best time of my life. I'm still an unpublished author, but some day I'll make that dream a reality. Call me procrastinating Patty. Ha Ha!
Reach Out and Help Another Person. Nothing makes you feel better than making a difference in the life of someone else. You can volunteer at a soup kitchen, or read to children at the library. Head to a children's ward in the hospital or the oncology unit or geriatric units and play games with the patients. Sing to them, read them a book or just sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes, especially with seniors, it gets so lonely and nurses and doctors are too busy to truly listen that all they need is someone to hear how they feel, or reminisce about times from long ago.
Pray. This is a big one. This is first and foremost what I do each morning. Because it's important. It's important to give thanks to the Almighty, because it is because of him that we are blessed with life and the opportunity to wake up each morning. No matter what struggles we endure, His love is never ending. We never know when our time will come, so while we are here, we should give thanks and praise God for all he has done in our lives.
And to those who may not believe in Him, let me say something here. I am not here to chastise you, it is God's job to judge not mine. My job is simply to minister to those who may not have him in their life and let God do the rest. Maybe you don't believe, maybe you have your own set of faith and values, I respect those. However, if you feel like all hope is lost or you are living a life of sin and you KNOW in your HEART that what you are doing is wrong, I would like to suggest you try on a new set of "spiritual shoes". :) That's what I called my former spiritual path in life, my spiritual shoes. Because I hadn't found my true faith(until now of course) and I was trying on all sorts of beliefs...like a new pair of shoes.
Just say one prayer.
I'm not asking you to run to a church and bow down before the Lord and recite the bible. Just one prayer. No one but you and God will know you did this. If you get a tiny miracle, wonderful. If you don't, well, try another prayer.
Or have a little patience.
I know that prayer has worked for me. I feel sometimes like it's a struggle to worship God. But truth be told, every good relationship isn't easy. It's a struggle. To trust, to love, to be faithful. I am human, and God know this, but he also knows my heart. So I continue to worship him and go to church, and do my best to live by the Word and just trust that God will rescue me in my times of struggle.
I heard a pastor this morning say on TV, (paraphrasing here) "Faith is about trusting in God. You don't worry about the bills, or that sickness or whatever is ailing you because you just KNOW that God will take care of it. That is Faith."
I'm not saying that feelings of Ick or yuck will dissolve into thin air, but it will be a lot more bearable if you just get out and do stuff. No matter how lazy you feel, even if your head is telling you to just stay put, don't listen to your head, remember my words here the next time depression or ick comes into your head....GET OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND DANCE!
Posted by Barb at 7:12 AM
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
I could have done without the details. The mere fact of him taking his own life was traumatic enough for me.
As a suicide survivor myself(yes, I tried 14 years ago to end what I thought was my wasted life, I'm here still by the grace of God) I will say that depression is an ugly disease, just as bad as drug-addiction. You struggle daily with trying to cope, trying to hang on "just one more day". Some nights it consumes you, other nights it is bearable. You have negative thoughts racing through your mind at lightning speed and you have to have the courage and strength to squash those thoughts with all your might it seems some nights.
Praise God for my strong will to live after that horrible experience of long ago...seems like another lifetime to me. I still struggle and I don't burden those with my feelings who think I am some kind of "attention seeking soul" or "drama induced person" with what I am going through in the moment. I talk to God, I blog, I bake I turn to friends who I know I can trust. I look at my children and think "boy, what would they do without me"...that alone keeps me here on this earth....no matter how hard the struggle.
I am sharing this with all of you, because it is a disease and the sad part is, nobody really cares until someone famous dies, while the not so famous suffer in silence...still looking for someone to "just listen", because it's not being selfish it's feeling alone, even if you are surrounded by fifty people, or being alone..at night with thoughts that are so overwhelming you start to cry, scared and feeling like there is no other way. So that phone call you ignored, or that email you deleted, or that meet up for coffee you decided to cancel, might be the one thing that will keep someone from ending it all if you just answer or meet up. The one thing people with depression need is someone to listen to them...with support, encouragement and love. Just one conversation can make a big difference to someone with depression.
Believe me, I know.
Instead of the common drug-addict looking for their next "fix" you are instead looking for a way to go peacefully to end the pain. In my case, I had sent my two older children to live with my parents, and my two younger ones at the time were with their father. And I was tired of fighting, tired of feeling like a worthless failure, I disappointed my parents and most importantly let down my children with the choices I had made at that time in my life...to move here...with a man I loved and trusted....to end up homeless and scared and without any family and a spittle of friends.
I had just got done talking to my ex. I was screaming and cussing at him. Next thing I know, I'm staring at a bottle of Percocet I had for pain management(kidney stones). Something in me snapped and I said to myself, "Screw this, I'm done." I consumed 12 of those suckers in record timing and next thing I know I'm calling him back and screaming into the phone some more. Then I hung up. Then I started getting loopy. Then, a friend of mine saw me crying and called the EMT's. Next thing I know she is throwing me into the shower and yelling at me to stop this right now. My kids need their mother.
I told her I just wanted to die.
I got angry.
I swore at her and she swore right back at me.
The paramedics came and when we got to the hospital, as I lay in that cold hospital hallway on the stretcher, the stupid Paramedic says to me, "Bet you'll never do something this stupid again." Steve....you're an asshole. I can say that now, you are. I will remember your name until the day I die. You do not deserve to be in the line of helping people, especially people who need saving.
Go be a drill sergeant or work on Hell's Kitchen. I hope nobody in your life ever faced down the demons of depression. And if they did, I hope you weren't the one they called when they needed someone to talk to.
God help them.
To those of you out there who have no idea what depression is like, go sit in a room and turn off the tv and start nit picking at all the things in your life you've done wrong, keep repeating those things in your head over and over and over and over. Next, realize that you are alone. You have all those thoughts in your head and now you are alone with them keeping you company. It's scary. It's overwhelming and it makes you feel worthless and like a failure. And no matter how many times people tell you how smart, funny and beautiful you are, one of those evil thoughts come crashing in to squash those positive thoughts in a matter of seconds.
Depression is real.
It isn't someone trying to seek attention or have people give them a huge pity party. It's someone who is feeling worthless, despondent, and like their life has no meaning. Like they are pushing a giant boulder of emotions up a steep hill to the top of the mountain, but they never make it there. Instead, they stop pushing and let the boulder roll them over.
Usually they are people-pleasers; trying so hard to please their boss, or their parents or their friends or their children. When they don't reach the sometimes unrealistic expectations they have for their life they feel like complete and utter failures.
They come in all shapes, colors, all ages, all social and economic groups. They try so hard and when things don't fall into place as they should, they give up trying and end it all.
It's sad but true.
So just take time out of your busy day to check up on that friend who just lost their job, or their husband or that friend who just doesn't seem as perky as they normally are. Have a cup of coffee with them, share a funny story. Suggest they seek counseling and tell them you will join them if they need the support.
I'm so glad that I still have the strength to live another day. I get to see another game, another memory can be made with my children, and even my granddaughter, and who knows my story just might help someone have the strength to make it "just one more day".
Posted by Barb at 8:09 AM