Well, lucky me.
I have until tomorrow to use my internet. I got to keep my cable tv, with limited channels, but ones that my kids will enjoy. So for 33 bucks plus a 5 buck fee for the stupid box(I don't know why I have to have that thing) I will be able to at least watch SOME TV. Yay.
I'm coming down with a cold. Ick. I feel all stuffy and achy. I have a birthday party we were invited to at the neighbor's downstairs for their daughter who is one. So I had to run to the grocery store and pick up a gift for her and her sister. Her sister's party was a few weeks ago, but we couldn't make it. And I was between jobs at the time, so I couldn't get her a gift anyway. I felt bad, because my daughter really likes to play with this girl, she's only four, but it's one of her few limited friends she has around the neighborhood. The other friend now has opposite visits with her mom, so my daughter doesn't see her anymore.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping. I got home with my purchases only to find out that the frozen meatballs I paid 8 bucks for and the lunch meat I spent ten bucks on(3/4 pounds of Turkey, 1 pound ham...the good stuff too I might add) were still on the counter at the grocery store. I called and they said they still had it, good thing too because I needed that lunch meat for the kids lunches. So I ran back there to get it. As I was rushing around to put away the groceries when I came back I made sure all the perishables were put away that were sitting in the bags on the floor. However, when I woke up this morning and began my housecleaning duties, I found the lunch meat...still sitting on the counter....in one of the bags I had forgotten to check.
I was not happy about that....at all.
What else is going on around here? Nothing much really. My boys are driving me batty making noises while they are playing Xbox and taunting one another with words and slaps on each others legs and arms. Ugh. Boys. I love them to pieces, but man they are noisy.
Normally it wouldn't bother me, but I don't feel good.
I'm going to head into my daughter's room in a minute here. Going to see if she wants to play with her Barbies or something. Maybe color or do some math problems. She loves when I help her with her math problems. Poor kid has that challenge when it comes to math....I can't do fractions to save myself. Add decimals and percentages to the mix....forget it.
I was hoping it would rain today. It looks cloudy like rain, but no such luck. Love that stuff. Miss it terribly. It makes me feel like I'm back home...in the environment I love so dearly.
*reminisces about the good old days in the Hoosier state*
Well, I sure hope whomever passes by my page here, has a wonderful week.
I hope to be back in the next couple of months. I have three birthdays(two in one month on the same day obviously) and one in November. Then Thanksgiving and then Christmas....so who knows when I can afford to be on a computer again.
Lord willing it won't be long.
I'll have a new home for my children and I, in a safer neighborhood, and a good story or two to share when I get back to blogging. Hang in there....
As sad as I am, I have to go now. It's been fun hanging out here.
I just keep telling myself, this is only temporary.
I sure hope I'm not lying to myself.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Well, lucky me.
Posted by Barb at 4:42 PM
Thursday, September 25, 2014
This will probably be my last blog post for a while.
I'm disconnecting my internet today. It bums me out but for what they are charging me I could make a car payment on a new car.
My life is okay for the moment. I'm hanging in there. Just trying to get my funds in order so I can move out of this place by the new year.
I like my new job. It's a lot of fun for the most part. One little girl told me yesterday, "You're beautiful Miss Barb". She made me smile. I told her, "You are beautiful too sweetie." She made my day. The things these kids say make me laugh sometimes too. One little boy told me, "My mommy got a ticket from the police man." I said, "Oh? Was she speeding?" He says, "No, she was putting on lipstick." ha ha ha!!! I couldn't help but laugh.
Another girl told me a joke the first day of school. She said, "Knock knock," I said, "Who's there?" She says with the best presentation ever, "Wouldn't you like to know."
A comedian in the making I tell you that one is.
I am working with a pretty cool woman. She's younger than me, but we get along pretty good. I'm just trying to get our mojo or whatever you want to call it, in sync. We'll get there. It takes time to make a good work relationship. It's only been five weeks.
I hope you have an amazing week, month, year. Not sure how long I will be gone from here. I guess it all depends on whether or not I can find an internet service provider that is within my price range.
It was a fun journey...blogging here.
At least my children will have something to read some day when they are older. Provided google's site doesn't crash ever.
I remember one time I had written on a website for writers, and the admin of the site accidentally deleted EVERYONE'S blog posts and stories and everything they wrote. I had sent the link to one of my stories to a relative of mine and she wrote back, "It's not there." I was puzzled and when I went to check, all my work was gone and there was an email from the site owner apologizing for what he had done.
Made me sick.
I left the site.
Such is life.
Well, time for me to fly(love that REO song). Hope to be back soon, if not take care everyone who passes by. I wish you all well, especially my online buddy Ed and Eb.
Until Next Time......
Posted by Barb at 6:35 AM
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Well, it's been a little bit here since I last blogged.
Hope my fellow follower is doing well....rest up there ED! Will miss your random comments around here. Get better soon. It will be really quiet around here, sans my random rambling about really nothing going on in my life.
I will say this past weekend was quite entertaining.
Took my kids to see Frozen.
I must have seen that movie at least five times. But it's a cute movie nonetheless.
Before we headed to the movie, I had to pick up my boys at birthday party they attended. I call them and out they come with plates filled with food. Some type of pasta with cabbage and carrots(like Hawaiian or Asian food), egg roll with hamburger meat and cabbage in it, a giant muffin and a drink. My boys were whining they wanted to stay, I stood firm and told them, "I said you could go and I would pick you up, I did not say ANYTHING about staying until after the movie." So they hopped in my car with their plate of food and the dad of the birthday boy(who was their friend's older brother) came out and introduced himself. Very friendly fella. We shook hands through my driver's side window, and then he asked if my daughter and I would like some food. I pointed to my daughter in the back, and said, "I suppose she might like some." He went in and brought her out an even bigger plate of food. I wanted to say, "She's a tiny thing and I'll be lucky if she eats half of that before we get to the movie." I thanked him instead and we were on our merry way.
We get there a half an hour early. So we grab our "Olaf presents"(i.e. non-perishable donations) and head to the line. Nobody is there of course yet....in the line that is. Ran into two women I worked with at my other job and their kids, one hugged me and the other one just gave a "hello" and moved on. I chatted with her daughters briefly and then we finally got into the festivities where there was a giant hamster ball, face painting, free nachos, chili dogs, Powerade, water, popcorn and the main reason for our trip there(other than the movie of course) was meeting Elsa. (oh Lord...that's a story you'll here in a minute)
I should mention that prior to entering said festivities, we had to "register"(i.e. give our email, phone number and name for the church holding this shindig to contact us....that's fine...if they were closer I would have checked them out). When I registered she told me to pick a ball with a number. So my oldest twin went and picked it for me.
Remember that number, it's important later in this story here.
So okay, we go to sit down at a table. Of course the kids head straight to the hamster balls and I head straight to the chair. I set our things down and "mark our territory" with blankets, bags, drinks and pillow cases and my daughter and I head to the food line. I call the boys' cells as we got closer telling them to hurry or they can wait in line on their own. It was rather long at that point, so they darted over.
We got our food and headed back to the table. I took about three bites of my hot dog, and my daughter had about the same. We left our food and figured we'd finish it later when we got back. Where from you may ask??
The wonderful Elsa Line.
Dear God what an adventure that was!
We stood in that line, I kid you not, at least 45 minutes...maybe longer. Thankfully the one woman I worked with and her daughter were in the line behind the woman behind me. I asked the woman if she wanted to go in front of me, I felt kind of rude talking around her but she was okay.
So as the sun was setting behind the bleachers of the football field where this event took place, all I kept saying was, "We better get up there before it disappears!" The woman in front of me had a stroller with her 4 year old son in it, and he got out of it and started doing the much-dreaded potty dance at a time when, as a parent, you wish they wouldn't do it. I told her, "don't worry, I'll save your spot go ahead, take him." She had this look of gratitude and a smile upon her face as she ran with her son to the restrooms. My daughter, like a soldier stood holding that woman's stroller until she returned.
Fast forward about twenty minutes or so. We are now seven people away from Elsa. Yay!!! They got on the mic and said they were going to do the lottery(remember my number?). I looked at the folks I was chatting with in line and joked as I said, "You know what would be hilarious? If my daughter and I get to the front of the Elsa line here and they call our number." I swear to you on every Halloween Oreo I ever ate, I hear them say, "Okay, here's the first number, this first prize is a gift card to Subway...two-hundred, fifty four....that's 2-5-4 folks!" I jumped up and down arms waving in the air in the direction of that stage yelling, "That's me, that's me!" The people who heard my comical comment were cracking up. My friend from my old job says to me, "Go Barb! I'll watch your daughter! Goooo!"
I dart from the line like my ass is on fire.
Head to the table where our bag with the "magic ball" was just as my oldest twin was running to the table. I told him, "Hurry! Go take this to the stage, I have to get back in the line with your sister! We are close to Elsa!" He grabs it and takes off. I head back to the line where my daughter is standing, running again like a mad woman.
I get back to the line, gasping for air I tell you( I need to reevaluate my exercise regimen to include more aerobics and less smoking) and everyone is still grinning. I tell them my son got it for me and all is well again.
We finally make it to the top of the line, I hear Elsa telling the photographer that she has to be home and she will finish half the line. I was so happy she didn't say she was done for the night. My daughter had drawn a picture for Elsa and wrote some words for her on the back. She was so excited to give it to her finally.
We made it.
Then we headed over to the sno-cone line, while the boys stood in the popcorn line next to us. We get to the front of the sno-cone line, and I kid you not, they ran out of ice. The woman was scraping the ice with her gloved hand off the bottom of the sno-cone machine. They managed to find a bag with 1/4 of it full of ice. And for that I was grateful, because my daughter and my youngest twin got a sno-cone, my oldest twin...did not. I told the woman I didn't need one, just get my son one...please. It's like waiting to see if the winning lottery number is going to be called, and thank God...he got a sno-cone and so did I.
What a moment of anticipation I tell you.
After standing in all these lines, we all headed back to our table to finish our food....
...to our shock....
they took our food and folded our chairs.
I wanted to say, "Are you kidding me?!" My kids Gatorade I bought, my free(cold) water bottle....all gone! But we got some good stuff in the sno-cone line and the popcorn line and the woman by the water let me have a warm one because they were out of cold waters.
We went to the grass area, found a nice comfy area to sit and lay our blankets down.
Overall we had a good night. Best night I've had with my kids in a while. Summer under the stars.
I have to get going now.
Kids and I are watching America's Got Talent. I got bored with it during the finals. I guess I have become a "Superbowl Watcher" of AGT now. I only watch football when the Superbowl is on. That's just how I roll.(Did I just say that??!)
Have a great week.
I'll be back on the weekend.
Posted by Barb at 9:00 PM
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Well, it's been a very busy week.
But I survived.
Tried to quit smoking...that lasted three whole days. I'm getting there. It's a tough habit to break. I don't even like smoking, so why do I keep doing it?
I'm heading out for a haircut today. I remember now why I hate short short hair. You have to maintain it every six weeks or so. Because your bangs start growing out and hang over your eyeballs, you look like one of those dogs with the hair that covers their eyes(what is that dog called?? you know the shaggy ones...darnit I can't think of the name). I keep flipping my head to one side to get the bangs out of the way, they are too short to push behind my ears and stay there.
So it's Sunday. I had a really nice visit yesterday with a friend of mine who I love dearly. Haven't seen her in at LEAST a year. She is Pagan, but I love her nonetheless. We have seen some dark days together and gotten one another through them. We have had some amazing laughs as well, and conversations well into the wee hours of the morning about all things spiritual, philosophical and just random. She is my bestie. And what is really cool about her, she asked me some questions about the bible and we had a nice discussion about God. She believes in him. That's a good thing. She wants to attend church with me, and said she can't wait to go with me once she moves to this side of town(three weeks and counting). We can go to church and give thanks for the blessing of her new found home. I wanted to give her this bible I had in my car, brand new one, but I forgot to do that. She wanted it, but we both forgot.
I got a chance to see two of my former students from my old job last night. I babysat for them and their new baby sister. The parents needed a night out. I was so excited to see them and the oldest boy,who is five, kept jumping up on my back or hugging me. Then when I was leaving the parents kept calling me "Miss Barb". I said, "Please, you can call me Barb. I feel so old when you call me Miss Barb, like Mrs. Doubtfire or something." They laughed and said "Okay, we'll call you Barb." I really like this family. They are good people.
Well, the new job is going well. I'm having some slight issues with the other teacher. But I'm hanging in there. Every new relationship(work included) has it's ups and downs and some things need to be tweaked before you work in perfect harmony. It's just life. Two differing personalities combined in a room full of children. It's not easy. But not impossible either. Yes, that is a run on sentence I believe, but I don't feel like backspacing to finish that sentence. So I'll just keep typing.
I have this bad feeling of impending doom surrounding me for some reason. Don't know if a loved one is in trouble or what. But I hate when this feeling hits me. Sometimes though, I get this feeling and something bad has happened in another state to people I don't even know and I see it on the news. The day of the Boston bombing, I had the worst feeling ever. I honestly thought something happened with my son, but it turned out that some poor people in Boston were literally running for their lives.
I'm currently looking for a new place to live. So far, no luck. I just keep praying and hoping that something will come up that will work out for me.
Well, I wrote that early this morning. It is now a little after two, and believe it or not we got rain out here today. I went to get my haircut then headed to the grocery store for a few items. Needless to say, by the time I got to the grocery store there was lightning and the mountains had disappeared to the west along with any stop lights or cars within the bucket of rain that fell from the sky. It hadn't hit the store yet, but by the time I made it through produce and headed to the deli I heard the rain pounding on top of the store. I was racing to get through the aisles and get my purchases so I could just get out and home. All these elderly women are standing in the foyer of the store with their carts, and I looked at two of them and in a joking manner smiled and said, "It's just rain, I promise you won't melt," and I ran out the doors with my cart into the parking lot and puddles of water that had met my shoes. The rain was furious and so was the wind. Or maybe it was just the rain was so intense that it felt like wind, there was a clap of thunder here and there and I tried to get my groceries in the car in less than 30 seconds.
I think I did it.
I was going to get gas but I just wanted to get home. And one stop light on the way took forever to change. I could hear the rain pelting the back window and thought for a moment that might be hail. Finally made it home and of course there are no spots under the carport, so I just parked in front of my apartment and grabbed all the bags of groceries(seven of them) and the big bag of ice and shut the door with my butt before heading up the stairs.
That was my exercise for the day.
Unloaded the frozen and perishables and then headed out on my patio to watch the weather. I love this weather, unfortunately out here in the desert it rains the most maybe 15-20 minutes then it goes away. It's not like back home where when it rains, it rains most of the day. Or at least a good hour or two off and on. No, our rain is like God saying, "Here have fun, but then you're back on a time out again." At least that's what it feels like to me when the rain is gone. My time out's last months out here.
I don't like this place....not one bit.
They built a new boardwalk near the town where I grew up. It's on the shores of Lake Michigan, and I see all these photos of weddings and playdates shared there and I think, "What I wouldn't do to go back home." I would dance naked on a table of nails to go home....okay maybe not naked...and maybe not nails....marbles perhaps and maybe, just maybe in a bikini??? You get my drift. This place sucks, yes I said sucks, because it does. I want to just take my kids and run there. Of course I don't want to go to jail, I look awful in orange, so I'm stuck here for now anyway....,meh.
Eww...I bought this Marie Callendar's chicken and rice with cheese dinner. The chicken in this is hard and chewy in some spots. Good thing I ate these last, because if my meal started out this way I'd of tossed it in the trash. $2.59 out in the trash....literally. No thank you. I work too hard for my money to waste it.
I got my hair cut. It looks okay. I still can't adjust to short hair on me. Everyone else loves it, except the one who has to wear it...me. Ugh...but I don't want to go through that hellish nightmare ever again, and as long as my kids are in school and athletics and extra-curricular activities I will not be donning long locks again.
Went to church this morning, had to leave. I was so overwhelmed with sadness for some reason, could not stop crying. I managed to make it through the 20 minutes of worship songs, but after that I was toast. I had to leave. I felt the tears welling up inside me and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, because I always sit in the front and didn't want to make a scene. So I darted across two older women and left the church in a hurry.
Then I got to my car and almost threw up. Yeah, I said it. I didn't do it though. Gagged a few times as I opened the car door and hung my head over, but that was about it.
Too much on my mind these days. Trying to stay positive, but worry is my best friend these days. I want to end that friendship, but worry just keeps coming back like a bad penny. Stupid worry go hound someone else please.
Well, I guess I should go. I have lots to do and I think I'm going to take a nap. I need a nap. I know I said lots to do, but nap is first on my list here. So I shall take a nap.
Have a wonderful week.
Hopefully mine will be quick and painless....stress wise that is.
Posted by Barb at 2:38 PM
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Feeling a little better today.
Yesterday was really icky for me. I hate days like that. They come and go. Sometimes though the one icky day feels like eternity for me.
I took my kids to the local water park for some last minute summer fun. Nine bucks got us in there, that's all I can afford at this point. We stocked up on water and for three hours I sat under a canopy in the hot desert sun(it was well over 100 out there today) in my jeans and a t-shirt baking while my kids enjoyed their time in the pool and on the slides. It went by fairly fast. Got home and made dinner. Now they are feasting on ice cream they bought with money they had saved in their piggy banks.
Well, I've been officially cast out of my friend's life for good. She didn't even give me a chance to apologize or tell her what happened. Another friend of mine, whom I've known for a good 10 years (plus) told me that she was probably upset I got a better job and she didn't. I don't know what to think. I don't read minds. Neither does my friend who gave her theory on this whole thing. The only person who knows why she deleted me out of her real life is the friend who won't talk to me. I've had friends like that before in my life. Isn't the first time that someone has shunned me because I got a better deal in life than they did. And what they fail to realize is, they usually have it better than I do anyway no matter how much money I make or where I go in life.
Done talking about that topic. I am moving forward. I lost a supposed friend because I care about my kids. Crazy huh? Real friends don't write off a real friend, they talk and work out the issues that are bothering them.
Didn't I say I was done talking about this?
So, I am probably going to be burnt to a crisp by morning. I will have a lovely farmers tan to show off. Yay me!
What else is going on in my world?
Hmm....nothing much really.
I have some laundry and cleaning to do, but that can wait until tomorrow. My kids and I have plans this evening, then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Going to sleep in until my body will let me sleep anyway. Today I woke up at 5:30. Yeah, that's right, 5:30. That's sleeping in for me.
This one girl in our class told us a joke the first day of school. She said, "Knock, knock" and the other teacher and I said, "Who's there?" and she said, "Wouldn't you like to know!" ha ha ha ha !!!!
These kids are hilarious.
And her presentation was perfect. She's a tiny little thing, would blow away in the wind I tell ya.
I like this job.
It's a lot of work though.
And this job is something that I've always wanted to do. Teach. Really teach.
So, that's what I'm doing.
I have to go now.
Time just got away from me.
I have plans...with my kids....so I need to go. We're done eating dinner now.
Have a wonderful week.
Posted by Barb at 4:40 PM
I've noticed lately that my blog posts have become rather dark and dreary.
I apologize for that.
A lot is going on in my life right now and I often wonder how I managed to get through a lot of it. Well, faith has something to do with it I suppose. I'm trying so hard to be a good Christian, I wonder some days if I am trying too hard. I don't think it should feel like an obligation to worship God, I don't know if that's the word I am looking for, but I am stressed worshiping God.
I love God.
And I suppose that with any relationship you go through random feelings throughout your time spent together, and even with the Almighty I guess this is "normal"? This is something I need to speak to my pastor about. Because in all honesty, I don't like feeling this way.
I went to apply for a checking account last Saturday. The woman put in my info, said "Yep, you're good to go." Well, yesterday I went to my mail box and low and behold, there is a letter addressed to me, from my insurance company starting with the following words..."We regret to inform you...blah blah blah".
My whole world shattered.
I started to cry in the car, while driving my kids to their grandmother's to pick up their swim suits.
I was so excited to finally have a bank account. Yet, for some reason, (I know the reason and it's not my fault this happened) I can't get one 14 years after the reason of why I couldn't get one began.
I'm in a dark place again. I hate this. I miss my normal self. I miss being so happy and chipper. I miss not crying every night wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month...where will I live? Will I lose my kids? These thoughts haunt me day and night. I struggle to keep myself sane, I struggle to keep myself focused, I struggle basically to stay alive.
I don't want to die.
Nobody wants to die. But with the big hoopla lately since Robin Williams passed(may God rest his weary soul) about depression, nobody seems to understand how the simplest thing can turn the world of a depressed person upside down so much so that they revert to taking their own life.
You feel like a failure to your children, your friends, your parents. Like in some way you've let them down because you are just a pathetic waste of air. You want to just end it all because, well, life would be better for everyone if you were gone.
I have a friend who told me suicide is selfish.
Because true you leave loved ones behind, and they mourn your loss, but they continue with their lives, and eventually forget the pain of losing you. It's the cycle of life.
No...no...no....nobody panic or call the suicide hotline. I blog for this very reason. I blog instead of popping some pills or slitting my wrists as some depressed folks would do. This is my way of escaping. This is my way of dealing with the dark thoughts that consume me on the days when I think, "I can't take this anymore".
I am alone.
So alone, it kills me inside.
No family, no friends...several acquaintances...but no true, besties that I have out here. No man to hold me at night and tell me "everything will be okay", I can't even afford a dog...who would be more loyal than any man ever could be.
I pray, and pray and pray.
I ask God please remove me and my children from this wretched hell called Vegas. I cry out at night, hoping that one day God will save us from this place.
Yet here we sit...still fighting the battles in this crappy community I live in that I have now referred to as "satan's playground". Because all that happens here is violence and misery. People in this community are dark and creepy and filled with evil. My boys just had some kid yank their arms and threaten them yesterday. I need to get out of here. Not just the community but this stupid city.
I prayed in the car that we would be saved and sent somewhere safer. I cried as I prayed. I almost had to pull over I was crying so hard.
I'm sorry for the depressing posts here. I hope you will continue to hang in there while I go through whatever this life changing circumstance is in my life. I keep saying to God, "Lord, just give it all to me now so that I can be done with it. If you want to take me home, I'll come running to you with open arms."
I'm so tired.
I'm exhausted...physically and mentally.
I try to stay afloat for the sake of my children....and only my children.
Lord please help me find a way. Help me find a way to save my children and myself before it is too late.
I'm sinking and I need a life boat.
Help me Lord....because I am truly scared right now.
Posted by Barb at 8:00 AM
Thursday, August 28, 2014
I don't know if it will happen.
But I'm going to try my hardest.
I want to be published.
I want a legacy to leave to my children. Some part of me that can be shared with them, when I turn old, grey and die.
Morbid thought I know.
I've always wanted to be published. When I was in grade school and graduating 8th grade, we had a "look into the future" part of our school newspaper. For me someone wrote, "Barb will be the next Barbara Walters". Okay, everyone knew I loved to write back then. I was on the paper at school, my English grades were fairly decent (B's and C's) and in high school I was on both the newspaper and yearbook staff.
It's one of my many passions in life.
To be published.
To have a monthly stipend that I can use to make my children's lives and my life a little better. To help in the community. To help education. To enrich the lives of others.
Plain and simple.
I'm hoping that some day someone will read my book and say "Hey! I can relate to this!" or "This was a good read, you should check out the ebook."
I am not sure what I will write about. But I know I want to write it.
So that's my goal for today.
To think about what I can write about....and make it happen.
That's a pretty good goal I think.
Speaking of goals....what's your goal for the day? For the week? For the next year from now?
*I hear the wheels spinning*
Sun is rising better get ready for work now.
Until next time.....
Posted by Barb at 6:17 AM