Well...let's see if I can post something here. First of all Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I have been enjoying time with a friend of mine who is in town from the Hoosier state. We headed T this place called Bonnie Springs...a little western town with a petting zoo and train ride and cheesy melodramas with sad acting. But it was funny despite the corny jokes. I can't believe the holiday season is upon us. Gee this year flew by. I hope to give my kids a fairly decent Christmas. I have some time off coming up we will see how that goes. I have been watching the news lately and all I can say is I am saddened by the events taking place in Ferguson. How do people think that looting and violence is the answer to what happened to the young man who was killed. Innocent or not a life was Los and the actions of the protestors is only escalating the fear and hatred in that region. Stealing and blowing a police car will not bring that young man back. I would love for someone to explain to me how all of the ruckus down there will end up with positive results in the end. It won't. Yet they continue to loot, and yell and scream and cause chaos and disorder all in the name of justice. HMMM....Do they not think that their actions are unnoticed and will not see justice? Peace people. Peace and talking and sharing concerns gets results. Not looting that poor ladies bakery or blowing up a squad var. Get it together folks. Set priorities...this is the holiday season and you are tearing up your homes and the homes of those who have done nothing wrong. Businesses are suffering because of your actions. You will have nowhere to go if your child needs meds or you need a gallon of milk because it is all being destroyed. Come together and assemble peacefully, not infringing on the rights of others in the process. I will pray for all of you. I am sorry he lost his life, but the residents of Ferguson didn't pull the trigger. Get a grip...please. Well I guess I will go for now. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! hoe to be back again soon.

Got To Sneak In Just One More Post....*smile*

Well, lucky me.

I have until tomorrow to use my internet. I got to keep my cable tv, with limited channels, but ones that my kids will enjoy.  So for 33 bucks plus a 5 buck fee for the stupid box(I don't know why I have to have that thing) I will be able to at least watch SOME TV. Yay.

I'm coming down with a cold. Ick. I feel all stuffy and achy. I have a birthday party we were invited to at the neighbor's downstairs for their daughter who is one. So I had to run to the grocery store and pick up a gift for her and her sister.  Her sister's party was a few weeks ago, but we couldn't make it. And I was between jobs at the time, so I couldn't get her a gift anyway. I felt bad, because my daughter really likes to play with this girl, she's only four, but it's one of her few limited friends she has around the neighborhood.  The other friend now has opposite visits with her mom, so my daughter doesn't see her anymore.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping.  I got home with my purchases only to find out that the frozen meatballs I paid 8 bucks for and the lunch meat I spent ten bucks on(3/4 pounds of Turkey, 1 pound ham...the good stuff too I might add) were still on the counter at the grocery store.  I called and they said they still had it, good thing too because I needed that lunch meat for the kids lunches. So I ran back there to get it.  As I was rushing around to put away the groceries when I came back I made sure all the perishables were put away that were sitting in the bags on the floor. However, when I woke up this morning and began my housecleaning duties, I found the lunch meat...still sitting on the counter....in one of the bags I had forgotten to check. 

I was not happy about that....at all.

What else is going on around here? Nothing much really.  My boys are driving me batty making noises while they are playing Xbox and taunting one another with words and slaps on each others legs and arms. Ugh. Boys.  I love them to pieces, but man they are noisy. 

Normally it wouldn't bother me, but I don't feel good.  

I'm going to head into my daughter's room in a minute here. Going to see if she wants to play with her Barbies or something. Maybe color or do some math problems. She loves when I help her with her math problems.  Poor kid has that challenge when it comes to math....I can't do fractions to save myself.  Add decimals and percentages to the mix....forget it. 

I was hoping it would rain today. It looks cloudy like rain, but no such luck. Love that stuff. Miss it terribly. It makes me feel like I'm back home...in the environment I love so dearly.

*reminisces about the good old days in the Hoosier state*

Well, I sure hope whomever passes by my page here, has a wonderful week. 

I hope to be back in the next couple of months. I have three birthdays(two in one month on the same day obviously) and one in November. Then Thanksgiving and then Christmas....so who knows when I can afford to be on a computer again.

Lord willing it won't be long.  

I'll have a new home for my children and I, in a safer neighborhood, and a good story or two to share when I get back to blogging. Hang in there....

As sad as I am, I have to go now. It's been fun hanging out here.  

I just keep telling myself, this is only temporary.

I sure hope I'm not lying to myself.

Later folks......

A Last Hurrah...for now anyway

Good Morning.

This will probably be my last blog post for a while.

I'm disconnecting my internet today. It bums me out but for what they are charging me I could make a car payment on a new car.

Seriously.

My life is okay for the moment. I'm hanging in there.  Just trying to get my funds in order so I can move out of this place by the new year. 

I like my new job. It's a lot of fun for the most part. One little girl told me yesterday, "You're beautiful Miss Barb". She made me smile.  I told her, "You are beautiful too sweetie." She made my day.  The things these kids say make me laugh sometimes too. One little boy told me, "My mommy got a ticket from the police man." I said, "Oh? Was she speeding?" He says, "No, she was putting on lipstick." ha ha ha!!!  I couldn't help but laugh. 

Another girl told me a joke the first day of school. She said, "Knock knock," I said, "Who's there?" She says with the best presentation ever, "Wouldn't you like to know."  

A comedian in the making I tell you that one is.

I am working with a pretty cool woman. She's younger than me, but we get along pretty good. I'm just trying to get our mojo or whatever you want to call it, in sync.  We'll get there. It takes time to make a good work relationship. It's only been five weeks.

I hope you have an amazing week, month, year.  Not sure how long I will be gone from here. I guess it all depends on whether or not I can find an internet service provider that is within my price range.

It was a fun journey...blogging here.

At least my children will have something to read some day when they are older. Provided google's site doesn't crash ever. 

I remember one time I had written on a website for writers, and the admin of the site accidentally deleted EVERYONE'S blog posts and stories and everything they wrote. I had sent the link to one of my stories to a relative of mine and she wrote back, "It's not there." I was puzzled and when I went to check, all my work was gone and there was an email from the site owner apologizing for what he had done. 

Made me sick.

I left the site.

Such is life.

Well, time for me to fly(love that REO song). Hope to be back soon, if not take care everyone who passes by. I wish you all well, especially my online buddy Ed and Eb. 

Until Next Time......

 

Last Taste of Summertime Fun

Well, it's been a little bit here since I last blogged.

Hope my fellow follower is doing well....rest up there ED!  Will miss your random comments around here. Get better soon. It will be really quiet around here, sans my random rambling about really nothing going on in my life. 

I will say this past weekend was quite entertaining.

Took my kids to see Frozen. 

 I must have seen that movie at least five times. But it's a cute movie nonetheless. 

Before we headed to the movie, I had to pick up my boys at birthday party they attended.  I call them and out they come with plates filled with food. Some type of pasta with cabbage and carrots(like Hawaiian or Asian food), egg roll with hamburger meat and cabbage in it, a giant muffin and a drink. My boys were whining they wanted to stay, I stood firm and told them, "I said you could go and I would pick you up, I did not say ANYTHING about staying until after the movie." So they hopped in my car with their plate of food and the dad of the birthday boy(who was their friend's older brother) came out and introduced himself.  Very friendly fella. We shook hands through my driver's side window, and then he asked if my daughter and I would like some food. I pointed to my daughter in the back, and said, "I suppose she might like some." He went in and brought her out an even bigger plate of food. I wanted to say, "She's a tiny thing and I'll be lucky if she eats half of that before we get to the movie."  I thanked him instead and we were on our merry way.

We get there a half an hour early. So we grab our "Olaf presents"(i.e. non-perishable donations) and head to the line. Nobody is there of course yet....in the line that is.  Ran into two women I worked with at my other job and their kids, one hugged me and the other one just gave a "hello" and moved on. I chatted with her daughters briefly and then we finally got into the festivities where there was a giant hamster ball, face painting, free nachos, chili dogs, Powerade, water, popcorn and the main reason for our trip there(other than the movie of course) was meeting Elsa. (oh Lord...that's a story you'll here in a minute)

I should mention that prior to entering said festivities, we had to "register"(i.e. give our email, phone number and name for the church holding this shindig to contact us....that's fine...if they were closer I would have checked them out). When I registered she told me to pick a ball with a number. So my oldest twin went and picked it for me. 

#254

Remember that number, it's important later in this story here.

So okay, we go to sit down at a table. Of course the kids head straight to the hamster balls and I head straight to the chair. I set our things down and "mark our territory" with blankets, bags, drinks and pillow cases and my daughter and I head to the food line. I call the boys' cells as we got closer telling them to hurry or they can wait in line on their own. It was rather long at that point, so they darted over.

We got our food and headed back to the table. I took about three bites of my hot dog, and my daughter had about the same. We left our food and figured we'd finish it later when we got back.  Where from you may ask?? 

The wonderful Elsa Line. 

Dear God what an adventure that was!

We stood in that line, I kid you not, at least 45 minutes...maybe longer.  Thankfully the one woman I worked with and her daughter were in the line behind the woman behind me. I asked the woman if she wanted to go in front of me, I felt kind of rude talking around her but she was okay. 

So as the sun was setting behind the bleachers of the football field where this event took place, all I kept saying was, "We better get up there before it disappears!"  The woman in front of me had a stroller with her 4 year old son in it, and he got out of it and started doing the much-dreaded potty dance at a time when, as a parent, you wish they wouldn't do it. I told her, "don't worry, I'll save your spot go ahead, take him." She had this look of gratitude and a smile upon her face as she ran with her son to the restrooms. My daughter, like a soldier stood holding that woman's stroller until she returned.  

Fast forward about twenty minutes or so. We are now seven people away from Elsa. Yay!!! They got on the mic and said they were going to do the lottery(remember my number?). I looked at the folks I was chatting with in line and joked as I said, "You know what would be hilarious? If my daughter and I get to the front of the Elsa line here and they call our number." I swear to you on every Halloween Oreo I ever ate, I hear them say, "Okay, here's the first number, this first prize is a gift card to Subway...two-hundred, fifty four....that's 2-5-4 folks!" I jumped up and down arms waving in the air in the direction of that stage yelling, "That's me, that's me!"  The people who heard my comical comment were cracking up. My friend from my old job says to me, "Go Barb! I'll watch your daughter! Goooo!" 

I dart from the line like my ass is on fire.  

Head to the table where our bag with the "magic ball" was just as my oldest twin was running to the table. I told him, "Hurry! Go take this to the stage, I have to get back in the line with your sister! We are close to Elsa!" He grabs it and takes off. I head back to the line where my daughter is standing, running again like a mad woman.

I get back to the line, gasping for air I tell you( I need to reevaluate my exercise regimen to include more aerobics and less smoking) and everyone is still grinning.  I tell them my son got it for me and all is well again.

We finally make it to the top of the line, I hear Elsa telling the photographer that she has to be home and she will finish half the line. I was so happy she didn't say she was done for the night. My daughter had drawn a picture for Elsa and wrote some words for her on the back. She was so excited to give it to her finally. 

We made it.

Then we headed over to the sno-cone line, while the boys stood in the popcorn line next to us. We get to the front of the sno-cone line, and I kid you not, they ran out of ice. The woman was scraping the ice with her gloved hand off the bottom of the sno-cone machine.  They managed to find a bag with 1/4 of it full of ice. And for that I was grateful, because my daughter and my youngest twin got a sno-cone, my oldest twin...did not. I told the woman I didn't need one, just get my son one...please. It's like waiting to see if the winning lottery number is going to be called, and thank God...he got a sno-cone and so did I. 

What a moment of anticipation I tell you.

After standing in all these lines, we all headed back to our table to finish our food....

...to our shock....

...and dismay....

they took our food and folded our chairs.

I wanted to say, "Are you kidding me?!"  My kids Gatorade I bought, my free(cold) water bottle....all gone!  But we got some good stuff in the sno-cone line and the popcorn line and the woman by the water let me have a warm one because they were out of cold waters. 

We went to the grass area, found a nice comfy area to sit and lay our blankets down.

Finally...the movie.

Overall we had a good night.  Best night I've had with my kids in a while.  Summer under the stars.  

I have to get going now. 

Kids and I are watching America's Got Talent. I got bored with it during the finals.  I guess I have become a "Superbowl Watcher" of AGT now. I only watch football when the Superbowl is on. That's just how I roll.(Did I just say that??!)

Have a great week.

I'll be back on the weekend.

 

Randomness.....That's All This Is

Well, it's been a very busy week.

But I survived.

Tried to quit smoking...that lasted three whole days. I'm getting there. It's a tough habit to break. I don't even like smoking, so why do I keep doing it? 

I'm heading out for a haircut today. I remember now why I hate short short hair. You have to maintain it every six weeks or so. Because your bangs start growing out and hang over your eyeballs, you look like one of those dogs with the hair that covers their eyes(what is that dog called?? you know the shaggy ones...darnit I can't think of the name).  I keep flipping my head to one side to get the bangs out of the way, they are too short to push behind my ears and stay there.  

Arghhhhh!

So it's Sunday. I had a really nice visit yesterday with a friend of mine who I love dearly. Haven't seen her in at LEAST a year. She is Pagan, but I love her nonetheless. We have seen some dark days together and gotten one another through them. We have had some amazing laughs as well, and conversations well into the wee hours of the morning about all things spiritual, philosophical and just random.  She is my bestie. And what is really cool about her, she asked me some questions about the bible and we had a nice discussion about God. She believes in him. That's a good thing. She wants to attend church with me, and said she can't wait to go with me once she moves to this side of town(three weeks and counting). We can go to church and give thanks for the blessing of her new found home.  I wanted to give her this bible I had in my car, brand new one, but I forgot to do that. She wanted it, but we both forgot.

I got a chance to see two of my former students from my old job last night. I babysat for them and their new baby sister. The parents needed a night out.  I was so excited to see them and the oldest boy,who is five, kept jumping up on my back or hugging me. Then when I was leaving the parents kept calling me "Miss Barb".  I said, "Please, you can call me Barb. I feel so old when you call me Miss Barb, like Mrs. Doubtfire or something." They laughed and said "Okay, we'll call you Barb." I really like this family. They are good people.

Well, the new job is going well. I'm having some slight issues with the other teacher. But I'm hanging in there. Every new relationship(work included) has it's ups and downs and some things need to be tweaked before you work in perfect harmony. It's just life.  Two differing personalities combined in a room full of children. It's not easy. But not impossible either. Yes, that is a run on sentence I believe, but I don't feel like backspacing to finish that sentence.  So I'll just keep typing.

I have this bad feeling of impending doom surrounding me for some reason. Don't know if a loved one is in trouble or what. But I hate when this feeling hits me. Sometimes though, I get this feeling and something bad has happened in another state to people I don't even know and I see it on the news. The day of the Boston bombing, I had the worst feeling ever. I honestly thought something happened with my son, but it turned out that some poor people in Boston were literally running for their lives.

I'm currently looking for a new place to live.  So far, no luck.  I just keep praying and hoping that something will come up that will work out for me.  

***************************

Well, I wrote that early this morning. It is now a little after two, and believe it or not we got rain out here today.  I went to get my haircut then headed to the grocery store for a few items. Needless to say, by the time I got to the grocery store there was lightning and the mountains had disappeared to the west  along with any stop lights or cars within the bucket of rain that fell from the sky.   It hadn't hit the store yet, but by the time I made it through produce and headed to the deli I heard the rain pounding on top of the store. I was racing to get through the aisles and get my purchases so I could just get out and home. All these elderly women are standing in the foyer of the store with their carts, and I looked at two of them and in a joking manner smiled and said, "It's just rain, I promise you won't melt," and I ran out the doors with my cart into the parking lot and puddles of water that had met my shoes. The rain was furious and so was the wind. Or maybe it was just the rain was so intense that it felt like wind, there was a clap of thunder here and there and I tried to get my groceries in the car in less than 30 seconds.  

I think I did it.

I was going to get gas but I just wanted to get home. And one stop light on the way took forever to change. I could hear the rain pelting the back window and thought for a moment that might be hail.  Finally made it home and of course there are no spots under the carport, so I just parked in front of my apartment and grabbed all the bags of groceries(seven of them) and the big bag of ice and shut the door with my butt before heading up the stairs.  

That was my exercise for the day.

Unloaded the frozen and perishables and then headed out on my patio to watch the weather.  I love this weather, unfortunately out here in the desert it rains the most maybe 15-20 minutes then it goes away. It's not like back home where when it rains, it rains most of the day. Or at least a good hour or two off and on. No, our rain is like God saying, "Here have fun, but then you're back on a time out again." At least that's what it feels like to me when the rain is gone. My time out's last months out here. 

I don't like this place....not one bit.

They built a new boardwalk near the town where I grew up. It's on the shores of Lake Michigan, and I see all these photos of weddings and playdates shared there and I think, "What I wouldn't do to go back home."  I would dance naked on a table of nails to go home....okay maybe not naked...and maybe not nails....marbles perhaps and maybe, just maybe in a bikini???  You get my drift. This place sucks, yes I said sucks, because it does. I want to just take my kids and run there. Of course I don't want to go to jail, I look awful in orange, so I'm stuck here for now anyway....,meh.

Eww...I bought this Marie Callendar's chicken and rice with cheese dinner. The chicken in this is hard and chewy in some spots. Good thing I ate these last, because if my meal started out this way I'd of tossed it in the trash.  $2.59 out in the trash....literally.  No thank you. I work too hard for my money to waste it. 

I got my hair cut. It looks okay. I still can't adjust to short hair on me. Everyone else loves it, except the one who has to wear it...me.  Ugh...but I don't want to go through that hellish nightmare ever again, and as long as my kids are in school and athletics and extra-curricular activities I will not be donning long locks again.  

Went to church this morning, had to leave. I was so overwhelmed with sadness for some reason, could not stop crying. I managed to make it through the 20 minutes of worship songs, but after that I was toast.  I had to leave. I felt the tears welling up inside me and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, because I always sit in the front and didn't want to make a scene. So I darted across two older women and left the church in a hurry.

Then I got to my car and almost threw up. Yeah, I said it. I didn't do it though. Gagged a few times as I opened the car door and hung my head over, but that was about it. 

Too much on my mind these days. Trying to stay positive, but worry is my best friend these days. I want to end that friendship, but worry just keeps coming back like a bad penny. Stupid worry go hound someone else please.

Well, I guess I should go. I have lots to do and I think I'm going to take a nap. I need a nap. I know I said lots to do, but nap is first on my list here. So I shall take a nap. 

Have a wonderful week.

Hopefully mine will be quick and painless....stress wise that is.

 

Feeling Better Now....

Feeling a little better today.

Yesterday was really icky for me. I hate days like that. They come and go. Sometimes though the one icky day feels like eternity for me. 

I took my kids to the local water park for some last minute summer fun. Nine bucks got us in there, that's all I can afford at this point.  We stocked up on water and for three hours I sat under a canopy in the hot desert sun(it was well over 100 out there today) in my jeans and a t-shirt baking while my kids enjoyed their time in the pool and on the slides.  It went by fairly fast. Got home and made dinner. Now they are feasting on ice cream they bought with money they had saved in their piggy banks.

Well, I've been officially cast out of my friend's life for good. She didn't even give me a chance to apologize or tell her what happened. Another friend of mine, whom I've known for a good 10 years (plus) told me that she was probably upset I got a better job and she didn't. I don't know what to think. I don't read minds. Neither does my friend who gave her theory on this whole thing.  The only person who knows why she deleted me out of her real life is the friend who won't talk to me.  I've had friends like that before in my life. Isn't the first time that someone has shunned me because I got a better deal in life than they did. And what they fail to realize is, they usually have it better than I do anyway no matter how much money I make or where I go in life. 

Whatever.

Done talking about that topic. I am moving forward. I lost a supposed friend because I care about my kids. Crazy huh?  Real friends don't write off a real friend, they talk and work out the issues that are bothering them.

Didn't I say I was done talking about this?

Okay.

Done.

So, I am probably going to be burnt to a crisp by morning.  I will have a lovely farmers tan to show off. Yay me! 

What else is going on in my world?  

Hmm....nothing much really.

I have some laundry and cleaning to do, but that can wait until tomorrow. My kids and I have plans this evening, then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Going to sleep in until my body will let me sleep anyway. Today I woke up at 5:30. Yeah, that's right, 5:30. That's sleeping in for me. 

This one girl in our class told us a joke the first day of school. She said, "Knock, knock" and the other teacher and I said, "Who's there?" and she said, "Wouldn't you like to know!"  ha ha ha ha !!!!

These kids are hilarious.

And her presentation was perfect. She's a tiny little thing, would blow away in the wind I tell ya.  

I like this job.

It's a lot of work though.

And this job is something that I've always wanted to do.  Teach.  Really teach. 

So, that's what I'm doing. 

I have to go now. 

Time just got away from me.

I have plans...with my kids....so I need to go. We're done eating dinner now.

Have a wonderful week.

 

When Circumstances Stop You From Enjoying Life

I've noticed lately that my blog posts have become rather dark and dreary.

I apologize for that.

A lot is going on in my life right now and I often wonder how I managed to get through a lot of it.  Well, faith has something to do with it I suppose. I'm trying so hard to be a good Christian, I wonder some days if I am trying too hard.  I don't think it should feel like an obligation to worship God, I don't know if that's the word I am looking for, but I am stressed worshiping God. 

I love God.  

And I suppose that with any relationship you go through random feelings throughout your time spent together, and even with the Almighty I guess this is "normal"? This is something I need to speak to my pastor about. Because in all honesty, I don't like feeling this way.

I went to apply for a checking account last Saturday. The woman put in my info, said "Yep, you're good to go." Well, yesterday I went to my mail box and low and behold, there is a letter addressed to me, from my insurance company starting with the following words..."We regret to inform you...blah blah blah". 

My whole world shattered.

I started to cry in the car, while driving my kids to their grandmother's to pick up their swim suits.

I was so excited to finally have a bank account. Yet, for some reason, (I know the reason and it's not my fault this happened) I can't get one 14 years after the reason of why I couldn't get one began.

I'm in a dark place again. I hate this. I miss my normal self. I miss being so happy and chipper. I miss not crying every night wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month...where will I live?  Will I lose my kids? These thoughts haunt me day and night. I struggle to keep myself sane, I struggle to keep myself focused, I struggle basically to stay alive.

I don't want to die.

Nobody wants to die. But with the big hoopla lately since Robin Williams passed(may God rest his weary soul) about depression, nobody seems to understand how the simplest thing can turn the world of a depressed person upside down so much so that they revert to taking their own life.

You feel like a failure to your children, your friends, your parents. Like in some way you've let them down because you are just a pathetic waste of air.  You want to just end it all because, well, life would be better for everyone if you were gone.

I have a friend who told me suicide is selfish.

I disagree.

Because true you leave loved ones behind, and they mourn your loss, but they continue with their lives, and eventually forget the pain of losing you.  It's the cycle of life.

No...no...no....nobody panic or call the suicide hotline. I blog for this very reason. I blog instead of popping some pills or slitting my wrists as some depressed folks would do.  This is my way of escaping. This is my way of dealing with the dark thoughts that consume me on the days when I think, "I can't take this anymore".

I am alone.

So alone, it kills me inside. 

No family, no friends...several acquaintances...but no true, besties that I have out here. No man to hold me at night and tell me "everything will be okay", I can't even afford a dog...who would be more loyal than any man ever could be.

I pray, and pray and pray.

I ask God please remove me and my children from this wretched hell called Vegas. I cry out at night, hoping that one day God will save us from this place. 

Yet here we sit...still fighting the battles in this crappy community I live in that I have now referred to as "satan's playground". Because all that happens here is violence and misery. People in this community are dark and creepy and filled with evil. My boys just had some kid yank their arms and threaten them yesterday. I need to get out of here. Not just the community but this stupid city. 

I prayed in the car that we would be saved and sent somewhere safer.  I cried as I prayed.  I almost had to pull over I was crying so hard.

I'm sorry for the depressing posts here. I hope you will continue to hang in there while I go through whatever this life changing circumstance is in my life. I keep saying to God, "Lord, just give it all to me now so that I can be done with it. If you want to take me home, I'll come running to you with open arms."

I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted...physically and mentally.

I try to stay afloat for the sake of my children....and only my children.

Lord please help me find a way. Help me find a way to save my children and myself before it is too late.

I'm sinking and I need a life boat.

Help me Lord....because I am truly scared right now.

Amen.

I Want To Be Published

I don't know if it will happen.

But I'm going to try my hardest.

I want to be published.

I want a legacy to leave to my children. Some part of me that can be shared with them, when I turn old, grey and die. 

Morbid thought I know.

I've always wanted to be published. When I was in grade school and graduating 8th grade, we had a "look into the future" part of our school newspaper.  For me someone wrote, "Barb will be the next Barbara Walters". Okay, everyone knew I loved to write back then. I was on the paper at school, my English grades were fairly decent (B's and C's) and in high school I was on both the newspaper and yearbook staff. 

It's one of my many passions in life.

To write.

To be published.

To have a monthly stipend that I can use to make my children's lives and my life a little better. To help in the community.  To help education.  To enrich the lives of others. 

Plain and simple.

I'm hoping that some day someone will read my book and say "Hey! I can relate to this!" or "This was a good read, you should check out the ebook." 

I am not sure what I will write about. But I know I want to write it.

So that's my goal for today.

To think about what I can write about....and make it happen.

That's a pretty good goal I think.

Speaking of goals....what's your goal for the day?  For the week?  For the next year from now?

*I hear the wheels spinning*

Sun is rising better get ready for work now.

Until next time.....

 

When a Bond is Broken.....

Well now that the hoopla of my quitting my old job and getting my new one is over, there have been some pros and cons to the new job.  

I have attained not only some much-needed sleep around here, but managed to lose a friend in the process.

Not sure if I mentioned it in my last blog or not.  

It kind of bugs me, but here's the thing...this "friend" of mine clearly wasn't a true friend. Perhaps I was her friend of convenience. A friend only because we worked together.  I've been used before, wouldn't be the first time. I thought we were true friends though, because she did a lot of nice things for me and especially my kids and she never complained about them....ever.  She just was such a good person to us, and likewise I would reciprocate when I could. It's not just "any" person that I buy gifts for. There was another girl at work who I knew and she had a 1st party for her kid, and to be honest I wasn't very fond of the girl, but loved the kid. Cutie patootie he was. I was invited to the party. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go. Just because I'm invited doesn't mean I'm obligated, although it felt like it because the group of coworkers was so small and...well....personal. 

I didn't go.

I didn't get the kid a gift either.  I'm not mean, it's just we weren't friends. If I went around buying gifts for all the coworkers with kids birthdays, or anniversaries, or whatever comes along I'd be broke.  

Now friends are a different story.  When my family is taken care of, friends come next in line. If they need a kidney, mine is theirs(unless family got it first of course). I'll buy, sell, trade anything to help them out.  This friend of mine is that friend(or WAS that friend I suppose).  This friend and I had so many fun times together, and we laughed and cried and yelled and got angry, but through the worst of times, we still managed to hang in there and take care of each other and have a pretty good friendship.

Then I quit my job.

Then all hell broke loose.

Then she wouldn't return my calls.

I didn't DO anything to her personally. I quit my stupid job.  It wasn't really all that stupid, it just got stupid towards the end of it, if it wasn't getting stupid I'd be stupid for leaving in the first place. Ya know??

Anyway, it's kind of like if you wanted to go out on a date with your husband, the kids are driving you crazy. You asked your friend to babysit that night. She says sure. Next thing you know she calls you up an hour before date time as you are squeezing into your control top, rubber-band like pantyhose to tell you she got a date with the hot looking UPS guy from work. Expletives are flowing through your head. You want to scream.  You say nothing.

There is awkward silence after you tell her it's fine.*really, it's not*

You hang up.

Days go by and you're still fuming. You're friend on the other hand calls you to say how sorry she was that she bailed on you. Her and this guy are getting married and you are the matron of honor. Her UPS boyfriend has a teenage daughter who can babysit for you. 

IN the end...everyone wins. 

Because in life, nothing is guaranteed.

And when an opportunity presents itself, you have to take it.

My kids are the one's who I am doing this for.

NOT ME....

My KIDS.

They will always come first, and the huge sacrifices I am taking right now, will pay off by next year. It was the scariest thing I ever did taking that big gamble quitting that day. But I'm doing this for my children and to better our lot in life here.


But unfortunately my friend doesn't see this.

All she (probably) sees is that she was left to work with someone who she doesn't really get along with. I don't know how long she had to work with that person, because she never called me back.

It's been a week now. 

I've stopped calling her and even deleted her on Facebook.

I don't have time for this right now, other pressing issues are in my life in the moment. I've already cried, gotten ticked myself and just let it go.

She has my number. She knows where I live. Send me a fruit basket, send me a fruit basket with moldy fruit to really let me know how she feels.

Something.

I tried.

That's all I can do.

I will still be here, if she wants to talk. I don't hate her and I sure hope she finds happiness in her life.

I hope she got a big fat raise because of me leaving. I bet she will or has already.  

That was her teenage babysitter....get the analogy there?



;

I Believe....

Yesterday was rather interesting for me.

For starters, I ran around all morning first to pay my insurance and open a checking account. They were very friendly there(which is why I give them my customer loyalty and not some other company) and when I handed the agent a $100 bill and told her I needed the $10 change, the other agent took it and went to the store next door to get change. 

Now that's customer service!

He came back, made change and then I said I wanted to open a checking account.  Well, she said she needed a money order. So I got in my car and drove to the grocery store down the street to get one. It was then that I realized one of the bill statements I needed to pay a bill at the store wasn't in my purse. I could have done all of it in one fell swoop.  Great! Now I had to drive home after my trip back to the insurance office and get the bill.

Then there was a line, and there was this little older Hispanic woman with a tiny zipper wallet full of change. She kept on pouring it into her hand, and dimes and nickles and pennies would be rolling all over the floor, making that "ping" sound each time they fell.  She was mumbling something in Spanish each time they fell and she bent over to pick them up as others helped her find her stray change, as she was having a conversation with herself or something. Finally after the fourth time or so of the change all over the floor, I asked her, "Would you like me to help you?" and I cupped my hands and she dumped all that change into my hands. She began counting, "Uno, dos, tres,..." and I wanted to count out loud with her. Finally the line moved and I set her coins on the counter for her.  She thanked me and I moved forward and got my money order and out the door I went.  

Back to the agent's office I go.

I open my account.  I get back in my car and I go home to get the stupid bill I forgot. 

Head back to the grocery store.  

Pay the bills I needed to pay. Got myself a chicken sandwich and went home. Took four bites of the sandwich, because I haven't been very hungry lately and I went to go and sit down. 

There is a knock on my door.

It's my neighbor. She has a crisis. She has to be out of her (ex?) boyfriend's house by Thursday.  She talks, I listen. I offer her water, and a cigarette to calm her frayed nerves. I call numbers for her to try and get her some assistance.  On a Saturday in Vegas, that's a tough feat to accomplish. I give her my advice. I tell her just to hang in there. We make plans to go to church. 

Prior to her visit, I should add here, her boyfriend was outside. He looked a bit upset. I ask him what's bugging him, and he starts going on and on about what is going on with her. I listen.  I lend him a listening ear and a cigarette he asked for.  He goes on his way.

Next thing I know we are in church. I buy her a tea and we split a muffin prior to church...thinking this might be her last opportunity to have a decent dessert.  Come to find out now she won't be homeless. He said she can stay. I tell her she still needs to leave because she can't keep depending on him for security. It's her call, I don't know everything, my own life has it's own pitfalls thank you very much, so take my advice, don't take it. Unless I gave birth to you it doesn't matter what you do with my advice, know what I mean?

Then, something happened at church that shocked a friend of mine and myself. We are both in tears. I won't say what it was, but we also had some much needed "therapy time" together. I listened. Because she was always there for me when I had my dilemmas going on. She is still there for me as well if I need her.

We chatted and then I took my neighbor home and I came inside.

Next thing I know I'm getting ready to settle down...the phone rings....it's another friend of mine.  She has some issues, and I listen, then she gives me her philosophies on her views of religion. I tell her my church isn't a "religion". You don't follow a set of man made laws, you follow God's law which is the Bible. I tried to tell her that God is there, and even though she follows a Wiccan path, the two are not the same. She kept insisting that all are the same. 

All are not the same, God is God period. So then she kept apologizing for saying things she said. I am thinking to myself,(and probably should have said this) why are you apologizing for what you believe? If you believe that strongly in what you believe don't apologize to me. Maybe she was trying to convince herself that what she believes IS truth. I've met a lot of Pagans in my life, I was even Pagan at one time in my life, I was angry. Angry at God and a lot of people in my life at that time. I realize the error of my ways.  My friend may never see that aspect, I still love her and will continue to pray for her, but I see her life falling apart at the seams and I want to say..."Please, stop. Find Jesus and come home to peace and comfort in him." 

Let me share a hypothetical here. You have a child(not saying my friend is a child) but you have a child, and you see them making choices that will hurt them(or are hurting them). You try to help them, but they won't listen. They are so set in their minds that what they are doing is right, that they just dismiss everything you tell them. So you sit, and you wait, and you see a train-wreck coming.  You can't save them. You've tried everything in your power to help them, but to no avail. Sometimes it takes a major atrocity to make them see the light.

Am I not going to be her friend, because she doesn't believe as I do? Absolutely not. She may decide that she has tired of me talking about God and coming back to him.  But as a Christian I have to share  God's word. It's my duty as a Christian to serve God and to minister to non-believers.  If they get angry and decide to "unfriend me" or never call me again, that's their choice. But I will always care about those people, regardless of what they believe.

It's not an easy path. Our pastor even told us it would be a challenging path to walk with Christ. 

I get that now.

I am struggling here with my own problems.  

I just keep moving forward. 

One day, one step at a time. 

That's all I can do. 

It's a rough journey. But I keep plugging away and hope for miracles here and there.  

I got the job. Next I need to find the apartment or house to rent.

Then take it from there. 

My ex decided to reduce the child support because I now make more money. What he doesn't realize is that come December, I will be kicked out of here for making this much money. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it. 

This isn't easy. 

But I have faith that God will get me through this. Not Buddha, not Isis, or Hermes or whomever others out there believe in...GOD.  

This is my belief.

I'm not attacking anyone here by any means. But this IS what I believe to be truth. Maybe a soul or two will be saved by my blog....maybe not. Maybe some will read this and discard it as "nonsense". Whatever the case may be, I know that I will live my life according to God's word and nothing else.

Because as Phillipians 4:13   says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".








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This One's For You Friend

After reading my most faithful follower's comment this morning it got me to thinking. I had tons of thoughts of what I wanted to say, so instead of blogging in a comment I am going to blog right here.

Bear with me as I get my thoughts together.

First of all to all of those folks out there(not just my dear internet friend) who feel icky, blah, out of sorts if you will and like life is meant to be spent on our couches or in our beds 24/7 let me say that the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out there and dance.

Dance in life.   Kick off those fuzzy bunny slippers and your robe and just dance around the house. Come on now, shake your booty, wave your arms in the air and just get dancing!

 "Dance til you can't dance til you can't dance no more..." -C and C Music Factory

(I thought of this song when I said Dance in life.....oldie but a goodie) LOL

And in the event there is no music, don't let the absence of music make you stop dancing.  Make your own music. 

Get out and go to the park.

Call an old friend from years ago or catch up with someone on Facebook you haven't talked to except when Facebook reminds you it's their birthday.

Find a hobby. There are plenty of things one can do to pass the time that do not require the use of a couch. Painting, blogging, jogging, taking a walk. Even those of you out there wheel-chair bound can enjoy the beautiful sights of God's creations by heading out doors. Inhale the fresh air, smell a flower, watch the butterflies, enjoy a sunrise or sunset with a nice cup of coffee or an ice tea(Very Berry Hibiscus from Starbucks, highly recommended).  

Talk to a neighbor/make friends.  I met my best friend in the world talking to a neighbor one time. Read my very first post and you will see just how much of a friend this woman was to me. My Best Friend Post   It's amazing how much one person can change your entire world with a cup of coffee and conversation while watching the sun rise and/or set. 

Take a class.  Tons of Adult Ed classes out there at local community colleges. I took three writing courses at UNLV. Best time of my life. I'm still an unpublished author, but some day I'll make that dream a reality.  Call me procrastinating Patty. Ha Ha!

Reach Out and Help Another Person.  Nothing makes you feel better than making a difference in the life of someone else. You can volunteer at a soup kitchen, or read to children at the library. Head to a children's ward in the hospital or the oncology unit or geriatric units and play games with the patients. Sing to them, read them a book or just sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes, especially with seniors, it gets so lonely and nurses and doctors are too busy to truly listen that all they need is someone to hear how they feel, or reminisce about times from long ago. 

Pray.  This is a big one. This is first and foremost what I do each morning. Because it's important. It's important to give thanks to the Almighty, because it is because of him that we are blessed with life and the opportunity to wake up each morning. No matter what struggles we endure, His love is never ending.  We never know when our time will come, so while we are here, we should give thanks and praise God for all he has done in our lives.  

And to those who may not believe in Him, let me say something here. I am not here to chastise you, it is God's job to judge not mine. My job is simply to minister to those who may not have him in their life and let God do the rest. Maybe you don't believe, maybe you have your own set of faith and values, I respect those. However, if you feel like all hope is lost or you are living a life of sin and you KNOW in your HEART that what you are doing is wrong, I would like to suggest you try on a new set of "spiritual shoes". :) That's what I called my former spiritual path in life, my spiritual shoes. Because I hadn't found my true faith(until now of course) and I was trying on all sorts of beliefs...like a new pair of shoes. 

Just say one prayer. 

That's it.

I'm not asking you to run to a church and bow down before the Lord and recite the bible.  Just one prayer. No one but you and God will know you did this. If you get a tiny miracle, wonderful. If you don't, well, try another prayer. 

Or have a little patience.  

I know that prayer has worked for me. I feel sometimes like it's a struggle to worship God. But truth be told, every good relationship isn't easy. It's a struggle. To trust, to love, to be faithful. I am human, and God know this, but he also knows my heart.  So I continue to worship him and go to church, and do my best to live by the Word and just trust that God will rescue me in my times of struggle. 

I heard a pastor this morning say on TV, (paraphrasing here) "Faith is about trusting in God. You don't worry about the bills, or that sickness or whatever is ailing you because you just KNOW that God will take care of it. That is Faith."

I'm not saying that feelings of Ick or yuck will dissolve into thin air, but it will be a lot more bearable if you just get out and do stuff. No matter how lazy you feel, even if your head is telling you to just stay put, don't listen to your head, remember my words here the next time depression or ick comes into your head....GET OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND DANCE!

Just One More Day

~ I was sad to hear that Robin Williams had died.

I could have done without the details.  The mere fact of him taking his own life was traumatic enough for me.

As a suicide survivor myself(yes, I tried 14 years ago to end what I thought was my wasted life, I'm here still by the grace of God) I will say that depression is an ugly disease, just as bad as drug-addiction. You struggle daily with trying to cope, trying to hang on "just one more day". Some nights it consumes you, other nights it is bearable. You have negative thoughts racing through your mind at lightning speed and you have to have the courage and strength to squash those thoughts with all your might it seems some nights. 

Praise God for my strong will to live after that horrible experience of long ago...seems like another lifetime to me. I still struggle and I don't burden those with my feelings who think I am some kind of "attention seeking soul" or "drama induced person" with what I am going through in the moment. I talk to God, I blog, I bake I turn to friends who I know I can trust. I look at my children and think "boy, what would they do without me"...that alone keeps me here on this earth....no matter how hard the struggle. 

I am sharing this with all of you, because it is a disease and the sad part is, nobody really cares until someone famous dies, while the not so famous suffer in silence...still looking for someone to "just listen", because it's not being selfish it's feeling alone, even if you are surrounded by fifty people, or being alone..at night with thoughts that are so overwhelming you start to cry, scared and feeling like there is no other way. So that phone call you ignored, or that email you deleted, or that meet up for coffee you decided to cancel, might be the one thing that will keep someone from ending it all if you just answer or meet up. The one thing people with depression need is someone to listen to them...with support, encouragement and love. Just one conversation can make a big difference to someone with depression. 

 Believe me, I know.

Instead of the common drug-addict looking for their next "fix" you are instead looking for a way to go peacefully to end the pain. In my case, I had sent my two older children to live with my parents, and my two younger ones at the time were with their father. And I was tired of fighting, tired of feeling like a worthless failure, I disappointed my parents and most importantly let down my children with the choices I had made at that time in my life...to move here...with a man I loved and trusted....to end up homeless and scared and without any family and a spittle of friends.

I had just got done talking to my ex. I was screaming and cussing at him. Next thing I know, I'm staring at a bottle of Percocet I had for pain management(kidney stones). Something in me snapped and I said to myself, "Screw this, I'm done." I consumed 12 of those suckers in record timing and next thing I know I'm calling him back and screaming into the phone some more. Then I hung up. Then I started getting loopy. Then, a friend of mine saw me crying and called the EMT's. Next thing I know she is throwing me into the shower and yelling at me to stop this right now. My kids need their mother. 

I told her I just wanted to die. 

I got angry.

I swore at her and she swore right back at me.

The paramedics came and when we got to the hospital, as I lay in that cold hospital hallway on the stretcher, the stupid Paramedic says to me, "Bet you'll never do something this stupid again." Steve....you're an asshole. I can say that now, you are. I will remember your name until the day I die. You do not deserve to be in the line of helping people, especially people who need saving.

Go be a drill sergeant or work on Hell's Kitchen.  I hope nobody in your life ever faced down the demons of depression. And if they did, I hope you weren't the one they called when they needed someone to talk to.

God help them.

To those of you out there who have no idea what depression is like, go sit in a room and turn off the tv and start nit picking at all the things in your life you've done wrong, keep repeating those things in your head over and over and over and over. Next, realize that you are alone. You have all those thoughts in your head and now you are alone with them keeping you company. It's scary. It's overwhelming and it makes you feel worthless and like a failure. And no matter how many times people tell you how smart, funny and beautiful you are, one of those evil thoughts come crashing in to squash those positive thoughts in a matter of seconds.

Depression is real.

It isn't someone trying to seek attention or have people give them a huge pity party. It's someone who is feeling worthless, despondent, and like their life has no meaning. Like they are pushing a giant boulder of emotions up a steep hill to the top of the mountain, but they never make it there. Instead, they stop pushing and let the boulder roll them over.

Usually they are people-pleasers; trying so hard to please their boss, or their parents or their friends or their children.  When they don't reach the sometimes unrealistic expectations they have for their life they feel like complete and utter failures.

They come in all shapes, colors, all ages, all social and economic groups. They try so hard and when things don't fall into place as they should, they give up trying and end it all.

It's sad but true. 

So just take time out of your busy day to check up on that friend who just lost their job, or their husband or that friend who just doesn't seem as perky as they normally are.  Have a cup of coffee with them, share a funny story. Suggest they seek counseling and tell them you will join them if they need the support.

REACH OUT.

I'm so glad that I still have the strength to live another day. I get to see another game, another memory can be made with my children, and even my granddaughter, and who knows my story just might help someone have the strength to make it "just one more day".

Don't Move!!

Yes, I am still around.

I've been busy lately and haven't had much time to blog. I'm waiting for my clothes to dry, so I figured, "what the heck, let me blog a little as I wait here".  

Not much is going on around here.  

We had a meeting with a scorpion on our living room carpet last Saturday.

That was fun.

Not really, that's sarcasm. I was going to shut off our living room lamp and as I walked across the floor in my BARE feet I happened to look down and noticed something on the floor. At first I thought it was one of the kids' toys. I asked the kids, "Hey, is this a toy?" They come running over and sure enough, it wasn't a toy.  But it just sat there, staring at our feet.  

Not moving an inch.

I went into panic mode. 

The boys were like, "Cooool, mom!" and I was telling them, "BACK UP!" I got a Ziploc container(one that could hold a whole meat loaf if I needed to do that) and threw it over that thing.  Then we were trying to figure out what to do with it. My daughter was shrieking and saying "Mommy I am scared!" I told her to throw on my shoes by the door and she went outside, she was peering around the door frame every so often while I stood in my kitchen, cell phone in hand, my nervous fingers tried to type in "How to kill a scorpion" on my phone.  Needless to say, I now know the feeling of those people in those horror movies who try to put a key in a hole or dial 911. 

I couldn't type fast enough and when I did type I hit the wrong letters. 

Then my phone wouldn't load the pages. 

*insert theme from any horror movie here*

It's tail was wiggling all over and it flipped over on it's back a few times. *squirms just thinking about it*

I found results for vinegar, the neighbor told us to use salt around the container, finally I found something....use a knife and stab that sucker as hard as you can.

So I got the biggest bread knife I could find, and my son said he would do the honors. So as I stood next to him so he didn't injure himself, he pierced the top of the container and stabbed that thing to death.  Then he flicked it into the container and took it outside where he and his older twin brother were just mesmerized by this thing. 

I just wanted it gone, and so did my daughter.

I kept on telling them, "Just leave it out there! Throw the container out and leave that thing out there!"  

Boys and bugs are hard to part let me tell you.

They ooo'd at the size of it and awed at it's tail being cut off. 

Yeah, I was just glad it was gone.

We couldn't sleep for a while after that.  

I had gotten a new bed that day.  I'm thinking it had sneaked in with the bed, hitched a ride.

It hitched a ride with the beetle I found.

Yeah, I was all excited I got this new queen size bed from a friend's boyfriend, and when I went to make the bed,  there in the middle of my new bed was this beetle, a shiny golden beetle just hanging out on MY bed. I was not happy and went to get a broom to kill it. I smashed it(or so I did) and killed it, and flicked it with the broom onto the floor. I grabbed this dip-size Rubbermaid container and threw it over that bug. When I lifted it to remove it and toss it out, that stupid bug moved. 

Yeah, it moved. 

Almost as if to say, "I am invincible!"

So I killed it....again.

This time it was dead.  My boys came in and told me what kind of beetle it was then they tossed it out for me. 

Don't know what I would do if I had a houseful of girls.

We'd still be staring at that thing. 

I was talking to a woman at work about our experience. She said she found a scorpion on her ceiling. Called her hubby at work, then stared at that thing for the hour or so until he came home to get it.  She said it was like her and that scorpion had a staring contest with one another.

She didn't move.

At all.

This is what living in the desert is like.  

Personally, I'll take the chances of west nile with a midwest mosquito, then deal with any of these critters.

As I was driving home the other night, I could swear I saw a rat scurry across in front of my car as I was driving.

Seriously Nature, stay in your own home. I have my home, and you have yours.

That's my week summed up in one blog.

I've seen and heard the locusts, had my share of nasty bugs in my home, I'm done with this...someone pack my bags and send me and my kids back to Indiana.

PLEASE.

Hope you are having a good start to your week. 

It's time for me to get ready for work.

Have a great week everyone!

The Not-So-Pretty Part of Parenting 101

*disclaimer: this is a bit graphic in nature here.  Being a parent, there are times that we have things that aren't "So pretty" that happen with our children, things that happen that you laugh about later.  I have written in a humorous format, but I highly suggest you not read this if you are eating*  You've been warned. LOL

Good Morning!

I've been missing a bit here for a while, because, well....life happened. It's been crazy busy at work and I won't even go into detail for fear I'd get fired if I shared the random drama that hit me last week in our classroom. I'll just say, I miss my regular coworker, who is on vacation for ten more working days, and I swear I am going to bake her a pie when she returns just to let her know how much I appreciate working with her. She is the yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly.

Let's just say she and I work so well together.

The sub and I?  

Not so much.

I did my best to be kind, cordial and mentor her the best I could. 

It didn't work very well, and that's all I'll say on the matter.

Again...because I love my job and refuse to get fired because I vented about certain things that happened last week. We had some funny moments, however, about 85% of our moments together weren't so funny.

So here I am on a Sunday morning, drinking my coffee and waiting for laundry to wash and dry so I can get ready for church. I ordered a bible for my daughter and it's suppose to be in today, can't wait to pick it up later and give it to her. I think I was more excited than she was when it came in. 
 

Here's a story for me to share: A child I know(It's hilarious now because he's okay) decided to stick a foreign object up his nose.  Yeah, let's just say it didn't phase him much because when he got back from the doc's office the following day, he was grinning from ear to ear telling me he went to the hopsital(yeah that's not a typo...he said it just like that).

I shared my "nose stories" with the dad. Let's just say, that as parents we all have a few "what were you thinking moments" or "not-so-pretty moments"  in our lifetime with our children. Turns out there are some I'd much rather forget. 

Like the time my oldest told me he took a dare when someone told him to eat gum out of a friend's vomit on the ground at age 15, or the Nerf ball stuck up my youngest twins nose, that we had no idea was up there until a week later.   That was the most disgusting thing ever. He was about 3 or so, and he tore off a piece of a Nerf basketball and crammed it way up his nose(how it got that far up there I don't know...breathing in I suppose) anyway, took him to the doctor a week later, when his breath was starting to get deathly smelly. No joke. It literally stunk up our room at night. We couldn't figure out why.  It was gross. He kept picking at it.  Doctor couldn't see it at first, but then I said, "Hey, I think I see something!"  Took him to the ENT and that was a moment I'd much rather forget forever. Had to hold his arms down with everything in me while he sat straddled on my lap, facing the doctor screaming profusely that I'm surprised the windows didn't shatter, and the doctor pulled it out. 

He set it on the tray next to me, and I thought for sure I would lose my breakfast at that point.

*Hope your not eating yours while your reading this*

My youngest twin son has had his share of challenges pretty much. The day he was born, the doctor asked me what kind of music I liked and he put it on the radio in the surgery room as the nurses prepared me for my C-Section.  He removed my oldest twin and I heard the cries and I felt the tears come rolling down my cheeks as he presented the little guy to me for the first time.  He began to work on his younger brother, removing him from my body and after a few minutes of not hearing my son cry I asked them, "Why isn't he crying?" I couldn't see anything, and I remember his dad saying to me when we talked about it later, "That's when I started to worry."  They finally let us know that the cord had been wrapped around his neck. They eventually got him breathing again and I got to hear him cry and the doctor lifted him above the sheet for me to see him. It was at that moment they had informed me....that my son had peed on my belly....welcome to the world son and let me inform you for future reference, my belly button is not a urinal. *giggles*

Then there is the time my daughter puked in my hair. We had just laid down in bed, she was about four years old and she wasn't complaining about anything, wasn't hot to the touch when we went to bed, and all of a sudden I hear that noise and you know it's coming... 

It got in her hair, my hair, the bed, my chest, her chest, the sheets...I never shot up so fast in my life. If there was ever a category in the Olympics for "quickest run to the bathroom with a puking child" I'd of won the gold for sure. 

She had a trundle bed and her brother was sleeping on it and I grabbed her, literally hopped between her brother's sprawled out legs and sprinted holding her away from me heading to the bathroom toilet, which of course you know she was done at that point.  

So then I had to clean her up, mind you it's about 10:00 at night and I'm utterly exhausted from that day's activities. So I put her in the shower, "hose her down",  mind you I'm still covered in her recycled dinner and dessert, dry her off and set her in the bed with daddy in our room at the time.  Then I ran as fast as I could, peeling off my soiled clothing and washed my hair and body at least three times to make sure it was all out. 

The following day she was much better and we headed to the mall, when my fourth-born son decided he'd make it more fun and got sick at the mall. We tried to make it to the bathroom, but as luck would have it we made it as far as the Pizza place near the bathroom when he lost it. I had to find the cleaning crew and let them know what happened so they could clean it up.  I felt bad for all those folks in the food court who witnessed that event that day.

I didn't see anything on the news about "Mass-vomiting incident at local mall...story at ten". So I guess nobody noticed or didn't care.

It's true, parenting is a tough gig.  There are some good things and not so good things that happen along the way.

I am amazed at how we all survive the trials and tribulations of parenthood some days.

But despite all the drama, all the sleepless nights, all the sickness and the bad attitudes, what makes it worth it is when you see your children get their A/B honor roll certificate, or perfect attendance award, or they hit the baseball out to the middle of center field, or make the winning touchdown, or your daughter does her own hair for the first time, or she buys her first pair of fake nails on her own at 9 years old; you enjoy those moments. And all the bad, nasty, drama-laden moments take a back seat for the time being.

Like the calm before the storm.

And when you walk into their room at night, readjust the blankets, kiss them on the forehead and tell them you love them again, even though they can't hear you(or maybe they do) and they are sound asleep and everything is calm and serene.

All the madness is just a memory.

A funny memory....

...that you hope someday will make them giggle when they retell the story to their children. 



 

 

A Letter To My Children

*I have always wanted to write a letter to my children. Every time I try something comes up. I finally had time, so I wrote it. I just want to make sure that if, God forbid, something bad would ever happen to me, my children would have some type of closure and know how much I love them."

Dear Children:

You know how much I love you. I loved you so much from the day you took your first breath.  I know that I have made many mistakes, and for those I am truly sorry. I want you to know that I have asked for God's forgiveness for all I have done wrong, and I ask you too, to forgive me.

Some lessons I want to share with you.

#1  Things won't always go your way in life. You need to be strong, much stronger than I have been, in making choices in your life.  

#2  Don't follow the crowd. Be your own person. Stand up for those who may not have the courage to stand up for themselves.  You are amazing human beings and I know you are strong and loving individuals. 

#3  Get along with each other.  You don't know how much time you have with one another, learn to love and not hate. 

#4  Read God's word. Most important of all these rules and most of these life lessons/rules are shared in God's word.  When you are sad, pray and read the bible, when you are happy, pray and give thanks, when you are angry...stop, breathe, and pray. Listen for God's voice, he will guide you. I promise.

#5  Treat your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse with respect.  A man is not suppose to belittle or boss around a woman. Tell her she looks beautiful every day. And to my daughter, don't let a man control you. Be financially independent so you aren't forced to rely on a man for help or anyone....ever.

#6  Remember to always respect your elders. Even if they don't deserve it....show them respect.  Maybe they aren't having the greatest day and just listening to them rant or holding a door open for them(even if they don't say thank you) will brighten their day.

#7  Help others.  Don't brag or boast about it, just do it...humbly. Don't expect anything in return, do it out of love and compassion not for reward or for acknowledgement.  

#8  Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Don't smoke. Don't harm your bodies with anything immoral or unnatural. Your body belongs to God, you need to respect it because of that very reason.  Don't have sex until marriage. Even if you don't abide by this I still love you, no matter what.

#9  Do your best. No matter what failures come along your way, do your best in everything you do.  I was taught in church that our jobs, our family life and our daily actions should be done so they are pleasing to the Lord. Just remember to give it your best and God (and I as well) will smile.

#10  Listen. I mean, listen when someone is talking to you. I know it's tempting to want to interject your thoughts or opinions, but sometimes all people want you to do is listen to them. When they are finished speaking, speak to them in a non-condescending tone and with compassion. If someone is angry at you, try your hardest not to reply in anger. Say "I feel like (feeling) when you say(what they say)".  Never use physical force to make someone do what you want. Never beat a woman. Nor should you, daughter, be struck by a man...EVER.

Most importantly, love one another.  This goes somewhat with #3, but truly, truly love one another. 

To my oldest:  You are a gifted young man. I love you so much. No matter what failures in life have come upon you, you are a wonderful person and you can have all that you deserve. Your failures do not DEFINE you. You have such a gift with the written word and spoken word. As I've always told you, you my son, should be a lawyer. You have a way to convince people that fact may not always be so.  Call it "making people second guess themselves". LOL But do right with that gift. You have the potential to be an amazing father....don't let fear stand in the way of that. You are loved. Your daughter loves you. She always will. No matter what. I love you no matter what.

To my second born:  You have a witty sense of humor. Work on your communication skills when it comes to talking on the phone( ha ha.) You are such a gifted person and with your computer knowledge I can see you owning a computer company some day.  And yes, you will marry a wonderful woman some day as well. She is out there, she is just finding her way to you I am sure. You will be an amazing husband and father some day. Love that woman with every fiber of your being, and never ever go to bed angry.  Talk to her, talk to your children and remind them how much you really love them.

To my third son: You are an amazing child. I am so sorry for the mistakes I have made which caused us to live so far apart. This applies to your older brothers as well. But it breaks my heart every time I want to talk to you in person and I can't or hug you or take care of you when you are sick. You will be an amazing father and husband. You have a strong gift of compassion and love. It surrounds you. Continue to follow God's word and who knows you may be called to minister in a church someplace else.  Do well in your college studies (which I know you will) and you will go far in life. 

To my fourth son:  You are an amazing blessing. Your happiness and the joy that radiates from you is inspiring and contagious. Despite all the hospitals and doctors you have visited in your life, you have a wonderful personality. You go ahead and continue to play with Barbies and those things that people label "girly". Be yourself son.  There is nothing wrong with a boy doing that, just as there is nothing wrong with girls throwing a football or playing with hot wheels or being a mechanic.  Some day, you will make a wonderful father and husband, because of your love and imagination.  I am so sorry we live so far apart. I cry some nights when I hear your cries asking me, "When I grow up, can I live with you?" Of course son, anytime. 

To my fifth son:  You have a very willful personality. But I believe that some day you will find God and you will be a leader in some fashion. I hope that you will guide people in a positive direction, perhaps working with troubled youth, or helping in the church or maybe you'll be a quarterback on a major NFL team. You have a colorful personality and with your wit and wisdom you can engage others in listening to what you have to say.  Do it gently.  Do not be bossy or rude to others. Respect women. Open doors for them and pull their chair out for them. Chivalry still does exist, despite the women's movement.  You are wonderful. I DO love you, I know you don't believe me with all the rules I have but I have rules because I love you and I need to protect you.  Tame your anger, put all those feelings into words...write a poem, a song, or a book.  Take your anger out on the field. Use it positively and not negatively. Things won't always go your way in life, but that's okay, sometimes things that we think are bad, turn out to be blessings in disguise.

To my sixth son:  You are a blessing(all of you are), but you have a unique gift of compassion.  You think of others and I know you have a heart of gold son. Follow your heart and give to others whatever gifts you can share. You are an amazing writer and artist. You have such a gift in the creative arts. If that is  your dream, go for it. Yes you are a twin, and that is a bond you can never break, but you are also an individual, follow your heart and not what others want you to do. Love dearly and give freely.  

To my daughter:  You are so special to me. A gift from God no doubt. As much as I love your brothers I was grateful to have you come into my life. You blessed me.  You are a wonderful child full of love, compassion and honesty. You enjoy reading God's word, you try to show kindness to others, even when they don't deserve it. You have an amazing heart. You also have a gift with writing and drawing. Use those gifts and perhaps someday you will be a famous writer or children's book author. Or maybe Gymnastics will be your calling. You try so hard to do what is asked of you. Do your best baby girl. No matter how hard trials in life may be, you will definitely succeed at whatever you do, so long as you never give up. Don't settle. Don't settle for a man who treats you poorly, don't settle for a job you aren't happy in, don't settle for anything. 

To my granddaughter: Busha loves you with every fiber of my heart and soul. You will have peace in your life, your parents love you dearly and will be with you again. I believe this, as I pray to God every night for healing for all of you. Be strong sweet child, and do your best in school, life and work. You have a beautiful heart and some day you will be a beautiful mother and wife.  Hold on to values and morals and don't let anyone make you feel that you are not important or need to be respected. You are loved. God loves you and I love you. 

Finally, to all my children, look to God for guidance. He is there. My favorite bible passage is this: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Remember that.  In your darkest hours, read Psalm 23, 91 or 40.  Those are some of my favorites.

And finally, remember that I wrote this entire blog so that some day you would have something to read and remember some funny (and not so funny)times in our life. To share with your children and their children. Print this out, to read when the power goes out or you lose your internet.  You will find some giggles in here along the way.

I love you all so very much. You all were my greatest blessings.  I apologize for anything I have done wrong and I hope you will forgive me.  I never thought I'd end up here, in Nevada, but apparently that was where God needed or wanted me to be. 

I know some day we will all be together. If not on earth then in Heaven. 

Do your best children, and I promise you God will do the rest.

With much love,

Mommy