~Magickal Graphics~
I'm going to be completely honest here, my luck with men has been the worst.
I've been married twice, and lived with a man for eight years, five of those eight were sheer hell. My mother told me in a conversation we had "You sure know how to pick 'em," and we both laughed because it's true. I can't seem to find a man who respects me and my children and knows the meaning of unconditional love.
My first marriage, well, that was a joke. We were young, naive and stupid. I wasn't the type of woman he needed. He has been married to his wife now for almost 20 years, and they are happy together. Good for him I say. My second marriage, well, I think we would have worked had I been more assertive and less submissive. Also, honesty on his part would have been nice. I'm not going to bad mouth him, I'm not angry at him anymore. I will say, it would be nice if we could at least be friends, like some of those couples who still hang out with their kids and talk on the phone about life, kids and what not. But it just wasn't meant to be that way.
He too has a happy marriage.
Then there is the #3, never a husband, but almost was. He gave me a ring and asked me to marry him but then chickened out. Always had some sort of reason not to marry me(glad he didn't now); my credit was bad, my son was bad, or I cried too much. He knew what he got when he dated me, I was totally upfront about my emotional issues and my background with men, and my insecurities, but he still asked me to move in and then asked me to marry him, then reneged on the offer .
Worst decision in my life ever moving in with him, next to moving to this city I hate.
So here I am now, alone and surviving. I would love more than anything to have a man to curl up with and watch a movie. A man who would love my kids and treat them like his own. A man who is a protector and provider. A man who has no limits and is not afraid to share his emotions. I can't stand men who are emotionally closed off. I like hugs and kisses, I love taking walks on the beach(provided there was one around) or going to the park for a picnic, or taking a trip to Disney even with the kids. A man who laughs at my stupid jokes, and who loves every part of me. A man who will communicate with me and when things are going bad in his life either at work or life in general I can help him through it. A man who truly loves me for once.
I feel like Sally in this movie. A hopeless romantic who doesn't want to die of a broken heart. True I probably won't die from a broken heart, but rather simple old age.
I'm sitting here just weeks before my 43rd birthday and all I keep thinking is will I be single forever? A lot of people tell me I don't "need" a man. True I don't NEED one, but I'd like one nonetheless. And the people telling me I don't need a man already have one. Easy for them to say don't ya think?
I don't obsess over finding a man, I'm not even looking for one to be honest. But once in a while, it hits me like a ton of bricks just how single I really am. And yes, it's true I have my children and I love them more than I will ever love any man, but there are just some things I can't discuss with them because, well, they are children.
I just wish I could find a guy to share my hopes, dreams and life with someday.
I know I'm not the only single parent out there who has the same wants as I do. Nor am I the only single parent out there with friends and family who are happily married. Get on Facebook and it's the most depressing thing ever. I see photos of friends and family at barbecues together, at the inlaws on a holiday together, sharing "sweet nothings" on each others pages and bragging(rightfully so) about how much they love so and so to death because he is the "greatest man ever". Friends who have men they married who treat their kids so well, despite the fact those children aren't even theirs.
Yay for them.
I am truly happy for them, but I wish I had some of that happiness too. It sucks to see all that, and I sit here in the company of a pint of ice cream or chips and salsa and reruns of The Mentalist as I sit on the couch Saturday nights.
I hope some day to find that man. He's out there somewhere....I think.
~Magickal Graphics~
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