I Miss My Boys

~Magickal Graphics~
*This was originally written on January 30, 2012*
 
Yesterday I said good bye to two of my children who live with their father back in Texas. I am over the hurt and anger of losing them in court, that was more than 4 years ago and in a way them being with him is somewhat of a blessing as our one son has special needs and has been diagnosed properly by the doctor that he now sees in Texas.

They get to travel, and see things that I would not otherwise be able to do for them. There are cons to them living their too, but every rose has it’s thorn I suppose. We all miss each other terribly and each time they visit memories are made and fun is had, but that last day is the hardest on all of us; including their three younger siblings who want nothing more than to live with them all the time. They keep asking me “Why can’t they stay?” I wish I had an answer that would mend all their broken little hearts, but instead I just tell them “Because that is how it has to be.”

We cried for what seemed like an eternity before they got into their father’s vehicle. His wife was very kind and we exchanged a bit of small talk before they headed back to his home. I tried like hell NOT to cry, but I hadn’t seen them in over two years, so despite the fact it was a mere 4 day visit, I thanked God I got that visit to share with them. It just makes me so distraught that I have children who aren’t here with me. My oldest left me 3 years ago, guitar case and the few belongings he had in hand as I dropped him off at the airport to his new journey in life….a gig in a rock band in Ohio. I haven’t seen him since then. I’ve talked to him several times on the phone, but the phone calls lessened each year as he got older. He now is 21 and has a daughter and hasn’t called me in months.

I miss him terribly too. Just hearing his voice makes me feel content knowing he is alright. My other son lives in the same state as my oldest. How I wish I could see him too. He will be 18 this February. Going off to college or a trade school, he isn’t quite sure yet what he wants to do with his life. I miss him so much though, and call him as much as I can. I think about all the poor decisions I have made in my life that caused my children to live so far away from me.

I hate myself for those decisions and regret them every passing day of my life. I trusted the wrong people, gave my heart to those who didn’t deserve it and in the end the ones who suffered the most were my children. Sure my kids are happy for the most part. My oldest has some struggles that I want more than anything to help him with, but he is grown up and unless he knocks on my door or calls and asks for my help, I will not interfere with what he chooses to do with his life.

I live with my 3 younger children. They are a handful. Twin boys who are 9 and a daughter who is 8. I struggle some days with my twins, but I love them to death. They are a challenge and I keep hoping and praying that I can save them some day and get us all out of this God-Forsaken city/state. And I struggle to get along with their father too. Which is no easy task for me to accomplish some days as well, believe me.

 I just want to “fix” it all. My whole family is broken. All I keep thinking is “If I had just stayed in Indiana, my life wouldn’t be so damn depressing and difficult and my kids would still be with me.” I know, I know, rehashing and singing the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” song in my head is not productive. And crying out loud saying “I hate the desert I want to move back home with my babies” isn’t productive either. But I just feel so lost out here.

So alone.

I miss my babies. All of them. I want nothing more than to hug all my boys who aren’t here and my granddaughter until they tell me to stop. But for now I just dream about doing that. For now I am searching for a part-time job to supplement the full time job I have at the moment. I want to save up some money so that I can see my kids more often. So that we can make more memories and do more things. I want to take my kids on a vacation. I want to visit Chicago with my kids and show them the Museum of Science and Industry and the Shedd Aquarium and take them to the Indiana dunes, and Monticello to Indiana Beach. For the moment though, that is just a dream. I miss my babies oh so much.

What I wouldn’t do to see them again.