I Am NOT A Drunken Unicorn

What a day today was.

I went to cash my check. This is truly funny and just needs to be shared.

I'm sitting at the window at the check cashing place, and I hand the woman my ID.  There are those bulletproof windows at the place where I go to cash my check, and I was chatting with the woman who is a regular teller there(Maria... you are a saint). We are just giggling and talking about my day at work and I sign a slip of paper verifying the amount I will get back. I tell her "Oh My God, can I wash a window or something to lower this amount you take?" She starts laughing and tells her coworker what I said. We always joke around about simple things during my day or hers while I cash my check, and she begins counting out the money and hands me the change in that little scoop thingy.

However.... when I went to snag my change from the little scoop thingy beneath the window...

as my luck would have it.....

...my damn head slammed into the window.

(go ahead laugh at my expense, it's okay I was laughing too, I'm still laughing)

Now mind you...I have been going to this place since I got this job. I know that window is there. It's not like they moved it five inches forward or something. Nothing's changed in that place except the tellers from time to time.

So after my head's run in with said window, I look up at her and I am cracking up and she asks if I am okay(because my big ass head made a really loud THUD sound when it hit) and I laughed and rubbed my head and then the window, because there was a smudge print from either my make up or sweat (or a combo of both) and I said "Yeah, I'm okay.  I think you need to put a big red X on here though or something like people do when birds are flying around after you just cleaned the windows."

She could not stop laughing.

Neither could I.

She is trying to count my money back to me and I just kept babbling. I couldn't really tell you what I said after the window comment and the red X ....it's all a blur. She could have shorted me a 100 bucks and I wouldn't have been the wiser.

And she also continued to ask me if I was okay.

I nodded.

I was still breathing.

I was clearly OOOOO...KAY.

Oh, I do remember telling her something along the lines of, "Good thing I don't drink or do drugs. Could you imagine me if I did?" 

That put her in stitches too.

My ass would have gone straight down to the floor if I did do drugs or drink excessive amounts of alcohol(or any for that matter) on any given night had my big ass head hit the window. I thank the drinking Gods and the Weed Gods that I don't indulge in either one.

She told me she would see me next week. I said "Yeah, maybe I'll trip over a trash can...or just faint."

I could still see her laughing when I got in my van. I was still in stitches too.

But damn that did hurt. 

Ego is fine, head not so fine.

This story could have had a much more tragic ending.

For starters I could have lost my job.  Because if I was a stoner or an alcoholic, and I fell to the floor...unconscious.... no doubt, they would have called an ambulance.

At that point, the medic would have taken my pulse, noticed the protruding growth from the middle of my forehead, assessed the situation and after realizing I'm not a drunken unicorn, loads me onto the rig.

I would have ended up in the ER, where I would have waited for hours, probably rambling to the old homeless guy about how I am homeless too. Because I'm going to lose my job, because they will do a blood test and all the drugs/alcohol I consumed will be enough to fire me.

"So dear homeless guy named Ed", I'll say as I wait on the stretcher in the cold, lonely hallway of the ER, "please save me a box on the corner of Main and Las Vegas Blvd. north. I'll see if I can get us some old donuts from some people I know at the 7-11 up there." (not really, but remember I'm on drugs or an alcoholic in this hypothetical scenario...nothing makes sense and I love and know everyone even if I don't).

I will then be transported to surgery. Where they will remove above-mentioned protruding growth from my brain because as it turned out a teeny tiny piece of that hardcore glass was imbedded in my useless brain and now it is infected, hence the growth, and needs to be removed....STAT!

I get a hottie doctor, who I overhear saying, "Damn shame she's an alcoholic/druggie, she's a little good-looking here. I'd marry this one if she was clean."

Now I'll be trying to come out of my alcohol/drug induced state, trying to act "Normal" only to tell him I simply took way too many Midol and that the cramps were so unbearable that I was going to jump in front of a bus after I swallowed all those Midol, but then I decided I'll just jump in front of a bulletproof window instead...so I could meet....YOU DOC!

He'll laugh at me, and I'll cry.

Then, he'll cut my head open, pull out the shard of glass and stitch his phone number into my forehead with a note that says "When you sober up call me and I'll save you from yourself."

Okay...not really...that was really far-fetched...wasn't it?

See, I don't need drugs.

Or alcohol.

I have my own little world I live in here.

And I think that knock on that head made my imagination even more out there than before.

But wasn't this a fun story?

It's all true.

Up until the part I made up the what if story.

That's NOT true.

I'm not a stoner or alcoholic thank you.

I'm naturally dingy.  Why add fuel to the fire, right? 

Okay, I just had to post this.

Too funny not to post it.

I also tripped over a chair at work in the classroom, and also tripped on my fan at home here tonight.

I'm having a good day.

NO, REALLY I AM...
*smiles*

Okay....it's off to bake now.

Finally got my damn cream cheese. Was gonna blog about that whole shopping thing, but that's a blog for later.

I'll be back soon I'm sure. Maybe while the nut cups are baking.

“And falling's just another way to fly.”
― Emilie Autumn