Eb.....Where are you?

 I had a very faithful follower.

Then blogger, or Google or whatever wouldn't let ANY of my faithful followers comment any longer and I wound up blogging with only the sound of crickets echoing on my site here.

I fixed the glitch.

It's working now.

Took me half a minute to fix it.

Between my daughter's online learning, trying to keep my boys doing their homework and turning in tests(which I will say...I epically failed there but I did try...contacted the front office, the football coach(who never responded) the English teacher(who did respond) and numerous others. 

I can't MAKE them do the work...they live with dad. If they lived with me it would probably be a different story. I am not "blaming" dad. He's just more chill with all of this. We get along...I have nothing bad to say about the guy. We even had thanksgiving dinner at his house. Yeah...at first I was like "Meh,...don't think so." But the more I thought about it...and the fact that I couldn't find a spiral ham anywhere, was a sign from the good Lord above that maybe I should go.

So my daughter and I went.

And had so...much...fun.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

Anyway....this is just a post because I have several blogs and the one I am posting on the most is peaceful habitations link here on blogger.

I try to keep it humorous and uplifting....especially in this day and age. I focus on God and how he's gotten me through some rough stuff this past year. This past month alone....November is a blur(thank you Covid)...but he spared me and kept me with my family instead of taking me home just yet. He has plans for my life still.

For that I am grateful.

Anyway....going to call my mom now.

We are playing words with friends...maybe. If my dad didn't wear her out driving all over running errands together this afternoon. 

We shall see.

Have a great night/day wherever you are.

Until later....

A Rather Toasty Sunday

I am sitting here on this somewhat humid desert Sunday evening listening to Robert Jefress teach on the television while drinking a French Vanilla coffee I made in my Keurig. I don't know what happened to my Keurig. I popped the K-Cup into the slot, closed it and hit the large cup button. I went outside to place my laptop and reading glasses onto the table and ran back in to find my Keurig off and nothing in the mug I put there. Perplexed I started the process over and as I lifted the little silver handle on top to open and reshut it, all this water came pouring out. Needless to say, after several attempts I finally managed to get my coffee.

I think I may have to move my blog to more viewable waters.  Seems blogger here is a thing of the past. I will still blog here, as this really is more of an online journal for my kids to read when the good Lord calls me home. Memories of mine and their lives which only one of my children has the keys to open should anything happen to me.

That's a hard decision to make. Who gets the keys to the inheritance kingdom??

Is it the oldest? Or the youngest? Is it the child who lives closest or furthest away?  My mother already shared with me who gets the keys to the kingdom.  I told her when the time comes for the good Lord to call them home,  I would just like the Fiber Optic Christmas tree and It's a Wonderful Life set, I wil pay my respects and be on my way.  I am not going to fight over money, property or any material items.  If they wanna hash it out in court amongst themselves let them.They may not fight at all, but you think the most sane of families will never fight about a will/trust/estate only to find some of them lashing it out in probate court. for months or even years at a time.

 I will have a memory of my many Christmases at home that I can pass on to my daughter and whatever sons are left speaking to me at my time. 

I am blessed to not have those keys to the Estate Kingdom.
That is stress that I am not that blessed to tackle thank you.

I just saw my neighbor. The one who had the angry meltdown the other day. Prayer works wonders,she said hello to me. We made small talk and she went on her merry way with her cats I now refer to as thing one and thing two.

Getting back to estates, I miss going to estate sales with  my daughter.  She and I had a blast at those things. She found a piano instruction book from the1950's. And a turtle sitting on the toilet reading a paper knick knack. We laughed at that for days. I found a whole set of 2 mugs, 2 biscuit/cookie plates and dinner plates with a Christmas scenery on them for $4. I didn't use them this year, but i will use them this year I suppose.

I hear the hummingbird in the tree out here. I love the mornings on my patio the most.

I can hear the doves cooing, the hummingbirds humming with the robins and the sparrows and wrens. It's a variety of aviary friends I have here in the mornings.  I am heading back to work this week, so excited to see everyone, but I am going to miss watching and listening and talking to my feathered friends here.

I hear the dove now.  She must know I am talking about her.  She says hello I suppose.

Devin Dawson is on the tv right now. I am listening to the country music on Youtube. I love this guy's music. My favorite is Dan and Shay.  I was so upset when this stupid covid garbage started and the whole country was shut down. Not only was the country shut down....but so were my chances of  my daughter and I seeing Dan and Shay in concert at T-Mobile arena this October. It was going to be an early sweet sixteen gift to my daughter(her birthday is a month after).

Well, I suppose I will go for now.

Need to start another blog elsewhere as well as maintain this one for the sake of my children.

Have a blessed week.

2 John 3: Beloved I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.

(I saw this verse on someone's license plate...love it!)

Quarantine....Stuck Inside The Same Old Scene

Well this has been a most entertaining ride to say the least these past two  months.

We've gone from "time to get up for work and school," to "What am I going to wear to church this morning??....My Christmas peguin night shirt or my leggings and a tee?"

This whole quarantine thing has been crazy. I am glad we are getting back to "somewhat normal" around these parts. I have always said normal is overrated, but in this case I will take some normal back for the sake of my sanity.


I am sitting out on my patio. I just went to Lowe's yesterday with my daughter and we picked up a few more arrangements to put out here. It looks really nice. Although I do wonder how long these plants will last considering the great oven is about to open, with temps reaching 107 next week.

I hate the heat.
I hate the desert.

It's okay though, this lovely apartment I have and the nice floral arrangement out here make me not hate it so much. It's bearable.  I like my neighbors. I like my job, I like most, if not all of the people I work with.  There are some who have some personality quirks or some differences of opinion, but who doesn't have some quirks that make them utterly unique? Right?

Let's see what has been going on.

First as you can tell, I finally got the internet.  After 6 years of not having it, I finally paid the 200 bucks I owed them(which I shouldn't have had to owe them to begin with, that's a blog for another day) to turn it on against my will. I lived fine without it, but I needed it not only for my daughter's schoolwork, but also for MY work, because while we were on quarantine over here we had home work to do. Literally. Work we did from home in the form of books on liberty, and freedom and rights. I loved reading them, except a pamphlet called "Common Sense" by Thomas Paine. And another book I cannot remember the title (that's how much I "loved" it) who had authors whom I could not get into their style of writing. No matter how hard I tried, or how hard I tried to reread each paragraph I just couldn't get into what they were saying.

But I managed to understand it enough to answer the questions in each study guide given to us every week and do the work that needed to be done, to earn the check they so graciously gave us during this time of uncertainty and chaos. I thank God for this job every day. I do. I thank God in conversation with my friends and family, and in prayer and reflection.

These have been trying times for many folks.
Including my neighbor.
I won't go into detail, but I can tell the stress has gotten to her, and I just continue to pray for her in the hopes that she gets her unemployment check soon. Because this poor woman is scared. She has anxiety.  And she is having some issues with the lack of funds and available opportunities to do what she likes to do like visit friends and go out to eat and just live her best life.

She just wants her normal back.  😊

I just figured out I have an emoji keyboard on this thing. i  found it on accident actually. Then had to Google how I got it to pop up.

HOW COOL IS THAT?!!!😎👍

During quarantine, pre-internet time that is, my daughter and I tried so hard to keep our sanity we did our best to entertain one another. We did pretty good, and the first 3 weeks we did fairly well actually and enjoyed this little work/school sabbatical. By week four though, it wasn't that much fun anymore. We played Uno, Battleship, Sorry and Mille Bornes(awesome game, Love it for game nights). We baked, we took walks to the mailbox and walks to the local grocery store down the street.

Our big field trip during quarantine was the trip to the grocery store and our favorite game was "Where's the toilet paper?" A more intriguing version of Where's Waldo? only with looking for the Cartoon Charmin Bear Family instead of Waldo. And then of course there is our major event....the trip of all trips.....to the Las Vegas Strip....an eerie, reality-inducing sight to see of what quarantine has really done to the economy.

I hate driving to the strip.  Tourists are not my friends. Signs with Scantily clad women on the sides of big trucks and taxi-cabs are not my friends and Strip Drivers, especially at night, most definitely are not my friends.

But this trip was something my daughter wanted to do, as did I.

I knew there would be minimal traffic, minimal people at best on a bike or two perhaps.  I wasn't prepared for this though. It really was an eerie sight.  Like something out of War oof the Worlds or some post-apocolyptic movie.

Strange.

This wasn't what I expected to see. My daughter took this picture. Because, as you obviously can figure out, one of us had to drive.

We also took a trip to a local park out here.

Let me tell you this story.

I am deathly afraid of heights. However, this local park nearby has a small mountain that people hike on from time to time. I have also seen coyotes and other wildlife at this park early in the morning and late at night. It's really beautiful here. I had tried to climb this mountain several years ago when my middle men graced us with their beautiful presence for 4 days. I had somewhat of a panic attack trying to climb this mountain and two weeks ago, I was determined to do my best to get to the top of that stupid thing.

Here is a view from how far I managed to get:

Breathtaking!

With my daughter at my side we trudged up the trail in the 95+ degree temps that day.  I had my bottle of water and my shades and I was feeling brave. My daughter grabbed my arm as we made it close to the top of the mountain when all of a sudden, ....out of nowhere.....my body began to shake...and then freeze. I felt like I was going to fall backwards on the steep incline of that mountain.  I couldn't move.

I tried.

I truly tried.

I wanted to do it.

My daughter told me to sit. So I sat. A couple passed us by going up and I smiled and took a drink of my water. My daughter stood nearby and I almost cried because I was so mad at myself. I saw the people at the top enjoying the scenery and I saw the people on bikes and walking on their way up to where I sat. My leggings and palms were now covered with sand and I was still mad at myself for not completing this huge task I had set out for myself.

She helped me off the ground and we went home.

I felt defeated.

We would try again another day. Preferably before the oven-like temps set in for the summer.
I will wait for the next "cold front" to hit and then....we'll conquer it again.

https://dl.glitter-graphics.com/pub/926/926601do9y3g7tff.gif -- go to www.glitter-graphics.com
I have been dealing with a cough that simply won't go away.

It was REALLY REALLY bad in the beginning. I was sick the Thursday before quarantine. I had some stomach issues(which I will not share at the moment) that Thursday and Friday. I asked to leave work early, I showed up thinking I could leave around lunchtime, but I was told I had to stay. If I didn't love my job so much I probably would complain about that, but I survived the day and lived to tell about it plus complaining does nothing for anyone but make them (and the others around them I am sure) more miserable than they already feel.

Anyway....slight tangent there....it started with that flu-like thingy, and a low-grade fever(99.9 ) with a slight cough. I managed to make it home and into bed. I popped some DAYQUIL and hoped for the best.  Saturday I felt a wee-bit better and my daughter and I headed out for a bit for breakfast. But by Sunday it got worse, with a hacking cough that I couldn't stop. I was on the phone with my mom and she yelled at me to get into the doctor and get this cough fixed. I was crying so hard, because in all honesty I was scared.

My doc started me on Zpack and a prescription expectorant....then the following week it was Doxy....and it still wasn't gone, and I would start coughing and start choking. I threw up several times during the course of this mystery cough thingy. I choked a couple times while I stood over the toilet or the trash can in the middle of the night. And I was really scared because I was alone and I couldn't catch my breath. I had this post nasal drip going on and coughing up clear to light phlegm which doc said was good it wasn't green.  She prescribed Fluticasone thinking it was allergies and Claritin-D. I had an X-ray and I had more meds....she gave me an inhaler and this time a cough suppresant with codeine. I got a humidifier and cough drops like Halls to clear my nasal passages and soothe my throat.

Still couldn't get rid of this thing.

I don't know what THIS is.  It still gives me a scare. My daughter panicked one night two weeks ago. I had fallen asleep on the couch while my daughter and I were binging on Netflix. I woke up around 1 a.m.and could.....not.....catch....my......breath. She stared at me, and I could see the fear in her eyes...."MOM...ARE YOU OKAY?!!!MOM! MOM!!" I could feel my eyes getting wider and I was trying not to frighten her. I put my index finger up motioning for her to just wait a minute. I tried to breathe in but couldn't. My airway was blocked. I was getting mad and scared all at the same time. Finally, I tried to just push air out as hard as I could and it cleared my airway. I coughed and coughed and then got some water.

Turns out my cousin has had the same symptoms and she lives in Indiana and has had this thing since December. ENTs and Xrays and meds still can't cure her either. And she is coughing up green crap.

WHAT THE HECK?!!!

How can nobody fix this?

I stopped going to the doctor. I can't afford another Xray(or anymore meds for that matter)

I just pray that God heals this soon.  In His timing it will be better.

He gave me another day, to enjoy his beautiful blessings; the Robin's nest in the tree outside my patio, the cool winds I hear and feel each time they blow, the coffee I am drinking with a little bit of FALL inside it in the form of Pumpkin Spice, the company of my daughter who is healthy and makes me laugh....and most importantly....a cough that didn't killl me.

Some people didn't have that luxury thiese past few months.
So I truly DO count my blessings, every....single....day.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."-Phillipians 4:6

Found this Post Just Laying Around My Drafts

I am just sitting here waiting on my daughter to finish her homework.  Then we are going to play some pool.

And of course, I will probably not win, but that's okay.

Not much going on here these days. Just trying to get to the holidays. I can't wait to put up our tree. November 16 that glowing green piece of happiness will adorn my living room window.  I can't wait! It can't come soon enough.

Was hoping to have some special people here for the holidays, but God apparently has other plans instead.

Acceptance is hard.

Making plans for your future and having them blow up in your face is even harder.

You think life is going to go one way, you think that God has a specific plan for you and then out of nowhere he throws you a big curve ball.

It stinks, but it's reality.

There are lessons to learn, failures to overcome and faith to hang onto.

It...isn't....fun.

NOT...ONE...BIT!!!!

But I am hanging in there for the sake of my sanity.

And the welfare of my daughter. I need to be strong.

I cry when she isn't there. I cry in the shower, or in the car after I drop her off at school with her brothers.

This is just a season.

This will pass. It feels like it may never pass, but I know it will.

And when it does pass I will look back and see the hand of God in all of this.

Thank God for my faith.

Until next time.....

Psalm 37:4

All Things Randomly Written Here

I am happy to be back here.

It's been a while.

I am still waiting for my own internet, but for now it's when I have friends or opportunities at coffee shops to log on here.

It's been a week for me. It's been one heck of  a month.

Heck it's been one heck of a year for me.
Through it all, however, and by God's grace and strength, I am still standing.

I have managed to incur, in just one week a broken down car(thermostat gasket...pricey little bugger), the flu(or something like it), I smacked my head on the cabinet at work. I was washing paint brushes leaning over that preschool sized sink and when I stood up...forgot about those cabinets there above me....'SMACk!" went my head and I just wanted to go home at that point.

I broke my five-dollar reading glasses as I was talking to one of my student's parents at work. I spilled my coffee all over my kitchen counter on my way out the door to pick my kids up from their dad's and take them to school and me to work.  I had a 2 liter bottle of Coke explode on my counter and cabinet doors and floor.

Yay for the fun of  chaos to keep me on my toes and keep me awake throughout the day!


I have had much disappointment through the weeks and months here.

I have some things going on with my son and my grandbabies.  Things I cannot talk about right now, but I will say I have spoken to them on the phone and facetime and it's been a blessing despite the circumstances.

That is all I can share for now....until things are resolved regarding all of them.

But after many years I got to hear from all of them.

And it brought tears to my eyes to hear their precious voices and see their beautiful faces in photos and online.

God has been good regarding them and t heir welfare. Praise God for that.

My job is amazing.

I had a kid ask me on the playground if there was a baby in my belly, to which I replied, "Nope, I just like cake". *giggles*

I know I am a tad bit "fluffy " in the middle. I stress eat and with all the stress of late, I am surprised I am not 500 pounds. I will count my blessings here.

We have a Christmas program coming up soon. We have started to practice for that. I am so excited to be a part of that. It's fun. They make me cry every stinkin' year. No kidding.
Every spring program I need half a case of tissues for my nose an icepacks for my eyeballs they are swollen so badly from crying.

Hmmm.....cops are on the premises....this is a fairly nice neighborhood I live in now. I feel like
 a roving reporter with the latest news feed.

Not much of a reporter though.

Not sure what happened. I saw 2 squads on our way down here(my daughter and I) and the motor was running on one squad with no cop in the car and she says "why would they leave it running?"
I said "someone would be dumb to steal a squad" and she said "It's still dumb to leave it running".

I digress.

Your thoughts?

I really like the apartment. Been here a year and one month now.  Signed a 13 month lease I love it here so much.  It's quiet, the neighbors are absolutely the nicest.  If you stroll back to past posts say, oh, 18 months to 2 years ago from my previous residence, with the rats and roaches and the loud music and the smell of weed permeating 24/7 and cops and ICE outside in the neighborhood, this is definitely  Beverly Hills by far. (*giggles to self) Maybe not Beverly Hills but a lot nicer and homier than the last place I resided for 6 lonnnnnnng, intense years of mine and my kids lives.

Speaking of my kids lives, my boys are now sophomores and my daughter a freshman.

Where the heck did the time go?

My boys are on the varsity football team and yes, they DO play.
They are pretty darn good. The team is awesome too.

My daughter is she is proud to be a Science and Math geek. She wears that label loud and proud. She is reading some book by a guy named Bill Bryson. I think that's his  name.

My 19 year old is still obsessed with tornadoes and roller coasters. I love that kid. I enjoy our phone conversations a lot. He cracks me up.

My 20 year old is in a band. He plays drums. He is pretty good. The band is good too, but I love watching him on video playing those drums.

My 24 year old is really doing well with his music. He raps. I am not a fan of rap, but his is amazing. I had friends and coworkers listen and they all agree, he's got a gift.

And lastly, my 27 year old, I pray for him the most out of all my kids and grandkids.  He is such a blessing but right now is finding his way home.  I have faith and know that one day, he will be a God story and will share his life with someone to help them too.

All of us have had a mess we can turn into a message.  Some messes are bigger some are smaller, but not one soul on this earth is exempt from messes.
Period.

So that's it for now.

Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

It's my therapy.

Oh and I'm writing a book.

I'll keep you posted.  I'm not a famous blogger but I hope to be semi-famous as a book author some day.

Have a great day!!!

Psalm 41:10

Random Ramblings Post ....Because I Can

I am so happy that I can blog again.

Although it isn't as often as I would like, I will take what I can get where blogging is concerned.

This past month has been a nightmare.  All I know is I am so happy that the good Lord got me through it all.

We had some interesting moments though, my daughter and I.

It started when we were at Target.
We were admiring the St . Patty's Day outfits they were selling; one in particular caught our eyes. It was a top of a leprechaun shirt, beneath the shirt was a pair of long pants with clovers all over them.
We were laughing hysterically at the outfit when all of a sudden some random guy comes, literally out of nowhere from behind the racks, and says "You should buy the pants and she should get the top!"

We were cracking up at this guy.

We left the men's department and headed to the make-up aisle, then to electronics and toys and we walked back past the men's department where the leprechaun outfits were and I kid you not that man, once again, pops out of nowhere and says to us, "Last chance!"

My daughter and I looked at each other and just burst...out...laughing.
Non-stop laughter, the kind that makes ya pee your pants(almost for me anyway).
I then asked my daughter, "Wasn't he wearing a different shirt before?"  We both burst into laughter as my daughter is nodding at me in agreement.

Yeah, it's a "You had to be there Moment".

There was just a weird vibe these past few weeks; at work, at home, on the road, at church.
Weird.

I remember asking a coworker of mine if anyone in our admin office seemed different.  I told her it was weird asking her that but I felt like I was talking to these people I knew and loved the past 3-6 years of my employment there and they were taken over by aliens or something.

Or maybe I was overtaken by an alien. Perhaps my brain was anyway.

*shrugs*

I got sick as a dog last week while volunteering at church. I only went in because the poor woman who runs the kids ministry has a low turnout of volunteers so I went in, looking and feeling like death. I got home from work that day, took a 40 minute nap, hoping whatever was making my stupid body feel like death would vanish.

No such luck.
I cried.
And I prayed...that I would be able to go home early. No babies, no need for me to be there.
I got to church and the pastor wanted to give me a hug, the director wanted to hug me and I held my ginger ale in the pocket of my coat, hands inside there as well and flinched as I said to them both, "I'm sick, please don't come near me."

The pastor then mouths in my direction, "Why are you here? Go home."
I stayed.
I barely made it.
I was white as a ghost and felt just as cold.

I was on my way out the door when I knew I wasn't going to make it home.
Made a pit stop to the bathroom.
Tinkled.
Washed my hands.
Saw an older woman who is a very dear acquaintance/friend of mine and she says to me "You don't look so good. You look pale."
I said to her, "I'm sick."
She proceeds to tell me all about her hubby's sickness and before she could finish, I say "I am so sorry but I am about to be sick," and quick as I could I ran to the stall.

You can figure the rest.
No need to go there.
As  I was up and exit the bathroom I start to walk towards the lobby and there, standing staring at me is the church secretary, my friend, and the husband of another friend of mine.  He says to me, "Are  you okay?"
(I am embarrassed at this point, but touched by all of their concern)
I respond with a smile and a nod and say "I just got sick, but I will be fine."

I was shaking and probably more pale than I was when I entered the bathroom. To be honest, I just wanted a warm bed and some Gatorade.

I touched my friend's arm and thanked her for her concern.  I  told my friend's hubby that I would be okay.

Apparently nobody believed me because as I unlocked my car door, he comes out and says to me, "Hey Barb! I can arrange for someone to drive your car home and I will drive you home."(I live like literally ten minutes away)

"NO thank you, I just want to go home. Thanks anyway."
Again he asks just to make sure; I nod, smile and thank him again.

God bless my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I love my church family.

I should go.

Have a few other blogs to work on.

I want to post a song I really love first though.

If I remember how to do this.

Until next time.....(oh, big news coming soon btw) ;)

Psalm 91

I MADE IT!!!!!!!

Hello World!!!

I am back....if only for a moment.
I had a really weird week.  For starters, I have been having really weird dreams lately.

They involve...of all things...…

BABIES!!!!

Everyday this week I have dreamt of babies:

-Holding a baby

-Soothing a baby

...and the scariest of all(not the actual dream just the notion of this happening)...me being pregnant and feeling the baby moving.  No joke I actually FELT this "baby" move in my "stomach" in my dream. It was so weird I "felt" an elbow or something moving....

….then I woke up.

Oh my goodness!!! I hit some button on this chromebook and yes I spelled that wrong but if I go back to correct it I will be here for four hours typing two paragraphs of blogging.  So anyway, I hit that stupid button and it scared the crap out of me because it highlighted my words in yellow and blue and some "computer man voice"  was reading my blog.

My daughter is here with me and I have two little friends who are coloring with us here. I did a sketch.  I would share it with you however, I am afraid if I tried to take a pic with this and post it I would send it to someone in Poland or the arctic.

I accidentally spit on my screen here and my daughter was laughing at me because I went to wipe the tiny spittle off my screen with my thumb and I moved the whole page to the left and was like "whoa cowgirl! where'd it go?"

I figured it out.

Back to the baby dreams....
probably due to the meds I am on...
because last week....
I fell....
BAM!!!!
FLAT!!!!
FLOOR MEET BARB!!!

Yes....
I fell at work.
In front of five students, my co-teacher and a parent.

Missed a day of work.
Barely made my ladies bible study on Friday...she had no stairs so I made it work.
Made church on Sunday.

And tried to work the rest of this week from Monday on without being a big baby about it.
My neighbor teacher next door yelling at me to be a baby and stay off my leg another few days.

I didn't listen.

I survived!!!

I am a child of  God!!!!(my favorite song)

Anyway....I am gonna go before I throw this Chromebook through the window and scare the children.  Who puts the mouse thingy right where you are supposed to rest your wrists???

Insanity  I tell you.

Anyway....thanks for reading.

Be back in two weeks.....

Psalm 27

I AM BACK!!!! :)

Well, it's been a while. I have so much to share and not sure if I can do it all in o This format is so much different. And I also lost my background images. I used an html code "back in the day" but apparently those are long gone with the chat rooms and msn groups of long ago. (sigh) I also don't know how to use this stupid chrome book. It's not really stupid, it's the operator that is I am pretty sure. (laughs hysterically to self) Pardon the silly parentheses but I am not sure how to enter emojis or the like. 

And for some reason I have this little blue circle following each letter I type. Man, I feel old all of a sudden. I thought blogging would be like riding a bike. It's been what?? Like, two years maybe since my last blog? I don't know if I should start out with the good stuff or the bad stuff. Hmmm...2018 was awesome and 2019...pardon this expression,...but it sucks so far. I normally don't talk like that, seriously I don't like talking like that. I am a Christian woman, but that does not, by any means make me perfect. Nor does it make me refrain from EVER using a swear word or two but I don't like to use swear words and try to use other words like "Jiminy Cricket" vs. the other JC others will use in vain. I definitely do NOT use the Lord's name in vain.

Anyway....where was I???...oh yeah...trying to find out why my cursor disappeared. And updating the one or two people who may read this at some point and time. I had a readership base of two at one time. 

Yeah that's right...two followers.

 Not sure where my friend Eb went to. Maybe he is still around and will fall off his chair when he sees a notification in his inbox that I have returned to the internet. 

My other follower, Rae, is gone. 

As in forever. 

As in....I will have to wait to see her at the pearly gates of Heaven.

 I still haven't had time to grieve over her passing. Because a week and a half after I lost her, I lost another friend of mine and my daughter's. It hit us both out of nowhere, Like a ton of bricks. The news hit my daughter hard that night. 

I still can't believe both women are gone. They both deserve their own blogs. I have so much to say about both of them. Those will both be coming soon. 

Anyway...I am glad to be back. I enjoy reading my old blogs and look forward to writing new ones. Maybe even an entirely new blog site. We shall see. I guess that is all for now. I am still teaching and still loving it. My kids are still awesome. They are older and some a bit sassier....but I don't love them any less for that. There is a song by The Afters called Well Done, it just came on the tv..listen to the lyrics.

I miss those I loved and lost. 

Guess I will get goingfor now.

I figured out why everything looked weird on here while I typed.  I had the html button instead of compose button pressed.

Silly me.

Gotta run.

Remember Jesus loves you.....really he does. :)

Psalm 23

Still Around....How About You?

Well...my life has been a series of UPS and downs. Surprising I survived by the grace of God. I had my car break down on me on my way home from work on evening. I had two men ask if I needed help or a ride and as nice looking as these men were I gently thanked them and sent them on their way. The two truck driver had informed me he was on his way. For about an hour I stood there....waiting...in the dark holding my purse and my daughter's bible. If my car happened to get hit those were the only important things that mattered to me. Cost me $900 to fix the issue a water pump and a corroded radiator hose. Fun times. Last week at Science I asked my students to tell me "what do whales eat?" One little girl raises her hand and says "Beavers".... I had to withhold the laughter inside of me from pouring out. I mentioned squid and fish during my lesson by surely don't recall beavers in that list. Moments like these are why I love my job so much. I have managed to get some of the rooms I my apartment I order. I even cleaned the couch covers they smell springtime fresh in here. I love this time of year. What else has been going on??? Hmmm....boys are closing I on the last months of elementary school. Daughter will be doing that same thing next year. They grow so fast. I just want them to stay young forever. Well....guess that is it for now. Whomever passes by...have a lovely week. Hope to be back soon.

Well...let's see if I can post something here. First of all Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I have been enjoying time with a friend of mine who is in town from the Hoosier state. We headed T this place called Bonnie Springs...a little western town with a petting zoo and train ride and cheesy melodramas with sad acting. But it was funny despite the corny jokes. I can't believe the holiday season is upon us. Gee this year flew by. I hope to give my kids a fairly decent Christmas. I have some time off coming up we will see how that goes. I have been watching the news lately and all I can say is I am saddened by the events taking place in Ferguson. How do people think that looting and violence is the answer to what happened to the young man who was killed. Innocent or not a life was Los and the actions of the protestors is only escalating the fear and hatred in that region. Stealing and blowing a police car will not bring that young man back. I would love for someone to explain to me how all of the ruckus down there will end up with positive results in the end. It won't. Yet they continue to loot, and yell and scream and cause chaos and disorder all in the name of justice. HMMM....Do they not think that their actions are unnoticed and will not see justice? Peace people. Peace and talking and sharing concerns gets results. Not looting that poor ladies bakery or blowing up a squad var. Get it together folks. Set priorities...this is the holiday season and you are tearing up your homes and the homes of those who have done nothing wrong. Businesses are suffering because of your actions. You will have nowhere to go if your child needs meds or you need a gallon of milk because it is all being destroyed. Come together and assemble peacefully, not infringing on the rights of others in the process. I will pray for all of you. I am sorry he lost his life, but the residents of Ferguson didn't pull the trigger. Get a grip...please. Well I guess I will go for now. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! hoe to be back again soon.

Got To Sneak In Just One More Post....*smile*

Well, lucky me.

I have until tomorrow to use my internet. I got to keep my cable tv, with limited channels, but ones that my kids will enjoy.  So for 33 bucks plus a 5 buck fee for the stupid box(I don't know why I have to have that thing) I will be able to at least watch SOME TV. Yay.

I'm coming down with a cold. Ick. I feel all stuffy and achy. I have a birthday party we were invited to at the neighbor's downstairs for their daughter who is one. So I had to run to the grocery store and pick up a gift for her and her sister.  Her sister's party was a few weeks ago, but we couldn't make it. And I was between jobs at the time, so I couldn't get her a gift anyway. I felt bad, because my daughter really likes to play with this girl, she's only four, but it's one of her few limited friends she has around the neighborhood.  The other friend now has opposite visits with her mom, so my daughter doesn't see her anymore.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping.  I got home with my purchases only to find out that the frozen meatballs I paid 8 bucks for and the lunch meat I spent ten bucks on(3/4 pounds of Turkey, 1 pound ham...the good stuff too I might add) were still on the counter at the grocery store.  I called and they said they still had it, good thing too because I needed that lunch meat for the kids lunches. So I ran back there to get it.  As I was rushing around to put away the groceries when I came back I made sure all the perishables were put away that were sitting in the bags on the floor. However, when I woke up this morning and began my housecleaning duties, I found the lunch meat...still sitting on the counter....in one of the bags I had forgotten to check. 

I was not happy about that....at all.

What else is going on around here? Nothing much really.  My boys are driving me batty making noises while they are playing Xbox and taunting one another with words and slaps on each others legs and arms. Ugh. Boys.  I love them to pieces, but man they are noisy. 

Normally it wouldn't bother me, but I don't feel good.  

I'm going to head into my daughter's room in a minute here. Going to see if she wants to play with her Barbies or something. Maybe color or do some math problems. She loves when I help her with her math problems.  Poor kid has that challenge when it comes to math....I can't do fractions to save myself.  Add decimals and percentages to the mix....forget it. 

I was hoping it would rain today. It looks cloudy like rain, but no such luck. Love that stuff. Miss it terribly. It makes me feel like I'm back home...in the environment I love so dearly.

*reminisces about the good old days in the Hoosier state*

Well, I sure hope whomever passes by my page here, has a wonderful week. 

I hope to be back in the next couple of months. I have three birthdays(two in one month on the same day obviously) and one in November. Then Thanksgiving and then Christmas....so who knows when I can afford to be on a computer again.

Lord willing it won't be long.  

I'll have a new home for my children and I, in a safer neighborhood, and a good story or two to share when I get back to blogging. Hang in there....

As sad as I am, I have to go now. It's been fun hanging out here.  

I just keep telling myself, this is only temporary.

I sure hope I'm not lying to myself.

Later folks......

A Last Hurrah...for now anyway

Good Morning.

This will probably be my last blog post for a while.

I'm disconnecting my internet today. It bums me out but for what they are charging me I could make a car payment on a new car.

Seriously.

My life is okay for the moment. I'm hanging in there.  Just trying to get my funds in order so I can move out of this place by the new year. 

I like my new job. It's a lot of fun for the most part. One little girl told me yesterday, "You're beautiful Miss Barb". She made me smile.  I told her, "You are beautiful too sweetie." She made my day.  The things these kids say make me laugh sometimes too. One little boy told me, "My mommy got a ticket from the police man." I said, "Oh? Was she speeding?" He says, "No, she was putting on lipstick." ha ha ha!!!  I couldn't help but laugh. 

Another girl told me a joke the first day of school. She said, "Knock knock," I said, "Who's there?" She says with the best presentation ever, "Wouldn't you like to know."  

A comedian in the making I tell you that one is.

I am working with a pretty cool woman. She's younger than me, but we get along pretty good. I'm just trying to get our mojo or whatever you want to call it, in sync.  We'll get there. It takes time to make a good work relationship. It's only been five weeks.

I hope you have an amazing week, month, year.  Not sure how long I will be gone from here. I guess it all depends on whether or not I can find an internet service provider that is within my price range.

It was a fun journey...blogging here.

At least my children will have something to read some day when they are older. Provided google's site doesn't crash ever. 

I remember one time I had written on a website for writers, and the admin of the site accidentally deleted EVERYONE'S blog posts and stories and everything they wrote. I had sent the link to one of my stories to a relative of mine and she wrote back, "It's not there." I was puzzled and when I went to check, all my work was gone and there was an email from the site owner apologizing for what he had done. 

Made me sick.

I left the site.

Such is life.

Well, time for me to fly(love that REO song). Hope to be back soon, if not take care everyone who passes by. I wish you all well, especially my online buddy Ed and Eb. 

Until Next Time......

 

Last Taste of Summertime Fun

Well, it's been a little bit here since I last blogged.

Hope my fellow follower is doing well....rest up there ED!  Will miss your random comments around here. Get better soon. It will be really quiet around here, sans my random rambling about really nothing going on in my life. 

I will say this past weekend was quite entertaining.

Took my kids to see Frozen. 

 I must have seen that movie at least five times. But it's a cute movie nonetheless. 

Before we headed to the movie, I had to pick up my boys at birthday party they attended.  I call them and out they come with plates filled with food. Some type of pasta with cabbage and carrots(like Hawaiian or Asian food), egg roll with hamburger meat and cabbage in it, a giant muffin and a drink. My boys were whining they wanted to stay, I stood firm and told them, "I said you could go and I would pick you up, I did not say ANYTHING about staying until after the movie." So they hopped in my car with their plate of food and the dad of the birthday boy(who was their friend's older brother) came out and introduced himself.  Very friendly fella. We shook hands through my driver's side window, and then he asked if my daughter and I would like some food. I pointed to my daughter in the back, and said, "I suppose she might like some." He went in and brought her out an even bigger plate of food. I wanted to say, "She's a tiny thing and I'll be lucky if she eats half of that before we get to the movie."  I thanked him instead and we were on our merry way.

We get there a half an hour early. So we grab our "Olaf presents"(i.e. non-perishable donations) and head to the line. Nobody is there of course yet....in the line that is.  Ran into two women I worked with at my other job and their kids, one hugged me and the other one just gave a "hello" and moved on. I chatted with her daughters briefly and then we finally got into the festivities where there was a giant hamster ball, face painting, free nachos, chili dogs, Powerade, water, popcorn and the main reason for our trip there(other than the movie of course) was meeting Elsa. (oh Lord...that's a story you'll here in a minute)

I should mention that prior to entering said festivities, we had to "register"(i.e. give our email, phone number and name for the church holding this shindig to contact us....that's fine...if they were closer I would have checked them out). When I registered she told me to pick a ball with a number. So my oldest twin went and picked it for me. 

#254

Remember that number, it's important later in this story here.

So okay, we go to sit down at a table. Of course the kids head straight to the hamster balls and I head straight to the chair. I set our things down and "mark our territory" with blankets, bags, drinks and pillow cases and my daughter and I head to the food line. I call the boys' cells as we got closer telling them to hurry or they can wait in line on their own. It was rather long at that point, so they darted over.

We got our food and headed back to the table. I took about three bites of my hot dog, and my daughter had about the same. We left our food and figured we'd finish it later when we got back.  Where from you may ask?? 

The wonderful Elsa Line. 

Dear God what an adventure that was!

We stood in that line, I kid you not, at least 45 minutes...maybe longer.  Thankfully the one woman I worked with and her daughter were in the line behind the woman behind me. I asked the woman if she wanted to go in front of me, I felt kind of rude talking around her but she was okay. 

So as the sun was setting behind the bleachers of the football field where this event took place, all I kept saying was, "We better get up there before it disappears!"  The woman in front of me had a stroller with her 4 year old son in it, and he got out of it and started doing the much-dreaded potty dance at a time when, as a parent, you wish they wouldn't do it. I told her, "don't worry, I'll save your spot go ahead, take him." She had this look of gratitude and a smile upon her face as she ran with her son to the restrooms. My daughter, like a soldier stood holding that woman's stroller until she returned.  

Fast forward about twenty minutes or so. We are now seven people away from Elsa. Yay!!! They got on the mic and said they were going to do the lottery(remember my number?). I looked at the folks I was chatting with in line and joked as I said, "You know what would be hilarious? If my daughter and I get to the front of the Elsa line here and they call our number." I swear to you on every Halloween Oreo I ever ate, I hear them say, "Okay, here's the first number, this first prize is a gift card to Subway...two-hundred, fifty four....that's 2-5-4 folks!" I jumped up and down arms waving in the air in the direction of that stage yelling, "That's me, that's me!"  The people who heard my comical comment were cracking up. My friend from my old job says to me, "Go Barb! I'll watch your daughter! Goooo!" 

I dart from the line like my ass is on fire.  

Head to the table where our bag with the "magic ball" was just as my oldest twin was running to the table. I told him, "Hurry! Go take this to the stage, I have to get back in the line with your sister! We are close to Elsa!" He grabs it and takes off. I head back to the line where my daughter is standing, running again like a mad woman.

I get back to the line, gasping for air I tell you( I need to reevaluate my exercise regimen to include more aerobics and less smoking) and everyone is still grinning.  I tell them my son got it for me and all is well again.

We finally make it to the top of the line, I hear Elsa telling the photographer that she has to be home and she will finish half the line. I was so happy she didn't say she was done for the night. My daughter had drawn a picture for Elsa and wrote some words for her on the back. She was so excited to give it to her finally. 

We made it.

Then we headed over to the sno-cone line, while the boys stood in the popcorn line next to us. We get to the front of the sno-cone line, and I kid you not, they ran out of ice. The woman was scraping the ice with her gloved hand off the bottom of the sno-cone machine.  They managed to find a bag with 1/4 of it full of ice. And for that I was grateful, because my daughter and my youngest twin got a sno-cone, my oldest twin...did not. I told the woman I didn't need one, just get my son one...please. It's like waiting to see if the winning lottery number is going to be called, and thank God...he got a sno-cone and so did I. 

What a moment of anticipation I tell you.

After standing in all these lines, we all headed back to our table to finish our food....

...to our shock....

...and dismay....

they took our food and folded our chairs.

I wanted to say, "Are you kidding me?!"  My kids Gatorade I bought, my free(cold) water bottle....all gone!  But we got some good stuff in the sno-cone line and the popcorn line and the woman by the water let me have a warm one because they were out of cold waters. 

We went to the grass area, found a nice comfy area to sit and lay our blankets down.

Finally...the movie.

Overall we had a good night.  Best night I've had with my kids in a while.  Summer under the stars.  

I have to get going now. 

Kids and I are watching America's Got Talent. I got bored with it during the finals.  I guess I have become a "Superbowl Watcher" of AGT now. I only watch football when the Superbowl is on. That's just how I roll.(Did I just say that??!)

Have a great week.

I'll be back on the weekend.

 

Randomness.....That's All This Is

Well, it's been a very busy week.

But I survived.

Tried to quit smoking...that lasted three whole days. I'm getting there. It's a tough habit to break. I don't even like smoking, so why do I keep doing it? 

I'm heading out for a haircut today. I remember now why I hate short short hair. You have to maintain it every six weeks or so. Because your bangs start growing out and hang over your eyeballs, you look like one of those dogs with the hair that covers their eyes(what is that dog called?? you know the shaggy ones...darnit I can't think of the name).  I keep flipping my head to one side to get the bangs out of the way, they are too short to push behind my ears and stay there.  

Arghhhhh!

So it's Sunday. I had a really nice visit yesterday with a friend of mine who I love dearly. Haven't seen her in at LEAST a year. She is Pagan, but I love her nonetheless. We have seen some dark days together and gotten one another through them. We have had some amazing laughs as well, and conversations well into the wee hours of the morning about all things spiritual, philosophical and just random.  She is my bestie. And what is really cool about her, she asked me some questions about the bible and we had a nice discussion about God. She believes in him. That's a good thing. She wants to attend church with me, and said she can't wait to go with me once she moves to this side of town(three weeks and counting). We can go to church and give thanks for the blessing of her new found home.  I wanted to give her this bible I had in my car, brand new one, but I forgot to do that. She wanted it, but we both forgot.

I got a chance to see two of my former students from my old job last night. I babysat for them and their new baby sister. The parents needed a night out.  I was so excited to see them and the oldest boy,who is five, kept jumping up on my back or hugging me. Then when I was leaving the parents kept calling me "Miss Barb".  I said, "Please, you can call me Barb. I feel so old when you call me Miss Barb, like Mrs. Doubtfire or something." They laughed and said "Okay, we'll call you Barb." I really like this family. They are good people.

Well, the new job is going well. I'm having some slight issues with the other teacher. But I'm hanging in there. Every new relationship(work included) has it's ups and downs and some things need to be tweaked before you work in perfect harmony. It's just life.  Two differing personalities combined in a room full of children. It's not easy. But not impossible either. Yes, that is a run on sentence I believe, but I don't feel like backspacing to finish that sentence.  So I'll just keep typing.

I have this bad feeling of impending doom surrounding me for some reason. Don't know if a loved one is in trouble or what. But I hate when this feeling hits me. Sometimes though, I get this feeling and something bad has happened in another state to people I don't even know and I see it on the news. The day of the Boston bombing, I had the worst feeling ever. I honestly thought something happened with my son, but it turned out that some poor people in Boston were literally running for their lives.

I'm currently looking for a new place to live.  So far, no luck.  I just keep praying and hoping that something will come up that will work out for me.  

***************************

Well, I wrote that early this morning. It is now a little after two, and believe it or not we got rain out here today.  I went to get my haircut then headed to the grocery store for a few items. Needless to say, by the time I got to the grocery store there was lightning and the mountains had disappeared to the west  along with any stop lights or cars within the bucket of rain that fell from the sky.   It hadn't hit the store yet, but by the time I made it through produce and headed to the deli I heard the rain pounding on top of the store. I was racing to get through the aisles and get my purchases so I could just get out and home. All these elderly women are standing in the foyer of the store with their carts, and I looked at two of them and in a joking manner smiled and said, "It's just rain, I promise you won't melt," and I ran out the doors with my cart into the parking lot and puddles of water that had met my shoes. The rain was furious and so was the wind. Or maybe it was just the rain was so intense that it felt like wind, there was a clap of thunder here and there and I tried to get my groceries in the car in less than 30 seconds.  

I think I did it.

I was going to get gas but I just wanted to get home. And one stop light on the way took forever to change. I could hear the rain pelting the back window and thought for a moment that might be hail.  Finally made it home and of course there are no spots under the carport, so I just parked in front of my apartment and grabbed all the bags of groceries(seven of them) and the big bag of ice and shut the door with my butt before heading up the stairs.  

That was my exercise for the day.

Unloaded the frozen and perishables and then headed out on my patio to watch the weather.  I love this weather, unfortunately out here in the desert it rains the most maybe 15-20 minutes then it goes away. It's not like back home where when it rains, it rains most of the day. Or at least a good hour or two off and on. No, our rain is like God saying, "Here have fun, but then you're back on a time out again." At least that's what it feels like to me when the rain is gone. My time out's last months out here. 

I don't like this place....not one bit.

They built a new boardwalk near the town where I grew up. It's on the shores of Lake Michigan, and I see all these photos of weddings and playdates shared there and I think, "What I wouldn't do to go back home."  I would dance naked on a table of nails to go home....okay maybe not naked...and maybe not nails....marbles perhaps and maybe, just maybe in a bikini???  You get my drift. This place sucks, yes I said sucks, because it does. I want to just take my kids and run there. Of course I don't want to go to jail, I look awful in orange, so I'm stuck here for now anyway....,meh.

Eww...I bought this Marie Callendar's chicken and rice with cheese dinner. The chicken in this is hard and chewy in some spots. Good thing I ate these last, because if my meal started out this way I'd of tossed it in the trash.  $2.59 out in the trash....literally.  No thank you. I work too hard for my money to waste it. 

I got my hair cut. It looks okay. I still can't adjust to short hair on me. Everyone else loves it, except the one who has to wear it...me.  Ugh...but I don't want to go through that hellish nightmare ever again, and as long as my kids are in school and athletics and extra-curricular activities I will not be donning long locks again.  

Went to church this morning, had to leave. I was so overwhelmed with sadness for some reason, could not stop crying. I managed to make it through the 20 minutes of worship songs, but after that I was toast.  I had to leave. I felt the tears welling up inside me and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone, because I always sit in the front and didn't want to make a scene. So I darted across two older women and left the church in a hurry.

Then I got to my car and almost threw up. Yeah, I said it. I didn't do it though. Gagged a few times as I opened the car door and hung my head over, but that was about it. 

Too much on my mind these days. Trying to stay positive, but worry is my best friend these days. I want to end that friendship, but worry just keeps coming back like a bad penny. Stupid worry go hound someone else please.

Well, I guess I should go. I have lots to do and I think I'm going to take a nap. I need a nap. I know I said lots to do, but nap is first on my list here. So I shall take a nap. 

Have a wonderful week.

Hopefully mine will be quick and painless....stress wise that is.

 

Feeling Better Now....

Feeling a little better today.

Yesterday was really icky for me. I hate days like that. They come and go. Sometimes though the one icky day feels like eternity for me. 

I took my kids to the local water park for some last minute summer fun. Nine bucks got us in there, that's all I can afford at this point.  We stocked up on water and for three hours I sat under a canopy in the hot desert sun(it was well over 100 out there today) in my jeans and a t-shirt baking while my kids enjoyed their time in the pool and on the slides.  It went by fairly fast. Got home and made dinner. Now they are feasting on ice cream they bought with money they had saved in their piggy banks.

Well, I've been officially cast out of my friend's life for good. She didn't even give me a chance to apologize or tell her what happened. Another friend of mine, whom I've known for a good 10 years (plus) told me that she was probably upset I got a better job and she didn't. I don't know what to think. I don't read minds. Neither does my friend who gave her theory on this whole thing.  The only person who knows why she deleted me out of her real life is the friend who won't talk to me.  I've had friends like that before in my life. Isn't the first time that someone has shunned me because I got a better deal in life than they did. And what they fail to realize is, they usually have it better than I do anyway no matter how much money I make or where I go in life. 

Whatever.

Done talking about that topic. I am moving forward. I lost a supposed friend because I care about my kids. Crazy huh?  Real friends don't write off a real friend, they talk and work out the issues that are bothering them.

Didn't I say I was done talking about this?

Okay.

Done.

So, I am probably going to be burnt to a crisp by morning.  I will have a lovely farmers tan to show off. Yay me! 

What else is going on in my world?  

Hmm....nothing much really.

I have some laundry and cleaning to do, but that can wait until tomorrow. My kids and I have plans this evening, then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Going to sleep in until my body will let me sleep anyway. Today I woke up at 5:30. Yeah, that's right, 5:30. That's sleeping in for me. 

This one girl in our class told us a joke the first day of school. She said, "Knock, knock" and the other teacher and I said, "Who's there?" and she said, "Wouldn't you like to know!"  ha ha ha ha !!!!

These kids are hilarious.

And her presentation was perfect. She's a tiny little thing, would blow away in the wind I tell ya.  

I like this job.

It's a lot of work though.

And this job is something that I've always wanted to do.  Teach.  Really teach. 

So, that's what I'm doing. 

I have to go now. 

Time just got away from me.

I have plans...with my kids....so I need to go. We're done eating dinner now.

Have a wonderful week.

 

When Circumstances Stop You From Enjoying Life

I've noticed lately that my blog posts have become rather dark and dreary.

I apologize for that.

A lot is going on in my life right now and I often wonder how I managed to get through a lot of it.  Well, faith has something to do with it I suppose. I'm trying so hard to be a good Christian, I wonder some days if I am trying too hard.  I don't think it should feel like an obligation to worship God, I don't know if that's the word I am looking for, but I am stressed worshiping God. 

I love God.  

And I suppose that with any relationship you go through random feelings throughout your time spent together, and even with the Almighty I guess this is "normal"? This is something I need to speak to my pastor about. Because in all honesty, I don't like feeling this way.

I went to apply for a checking account last Saturday. The woman put in my info, said "Yep, you're good to go." Well, yesterday I went to my mail box and low and behold, there is a letter addressed to me, from my insurance company starting with the following words..."We regret to inform you...blah blah blah". 

My whole world shattered.

I started to cry in the car, while driving my kids to their grandmother's to pick up their swim suits.

I was so excited to finally have a bank account. Yet, for some reason, (I know the reason and it's not my fault this happened) I can't get one 14 years after the reason of why I couldn't get one began.

I'm in a dark place again. I hate this. I miss my normal self. I miss being so happy and chipper. I miss not crying every night wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month...where will I live?  Will I lose my kids? These thoughts haunt me day and night. I struggle to keep myself sane, I struggle to keep myself focused, I struggle basically to stay alive.

I don't want to die.

Nobody wants to die. But with the big hoopla lately since Robin Williams passed(may God rest his weary soul) about depression, nobody seems to understand how the simplest thing can turn the world of a depressed person upside down so much so that they revert to taking their own life.

You feel like a failure to your children, your friends, your parents. Like in some way you've let them down because you are just a pathetic waste of air.  You want to just end it all because, well, life would be better for everyone if you were gone.

I have a friend who told me suicide is selfish.

I disagree.

Because true you leave loved ones behind, and they mourn your loss, but they continue with their lives, and eventually forget the pain of losing you.  It's the cycle of life.

No...no...no....nobody panic or call the suicide hotline. I blog for this very reason. I blog instead of popping some pills or slitting my wrists as some depressed folks would do.  This is my way of escaping. This is my way of dealing with the dark thoughts that consume me on the days when I think, "I can't take this anymore".

I am alone.

So alone, it kills me inside. 

No family, no friends...several acquaintances...but no true, besties that I have out here. No man to hold me at night and tell me "everything will be okay", I can't even afford a dog...who would be more loyal than any man ever could be.

I pray, and pray and pray.

I ask God please remove me and my children from this wretched hell called Vegas. I cry out at night, hoping that one day God will save us from this place. 

Yet here we sit...still fighting the battles in this crappy community I live in that I have now referred to as "satan's playground". Because all that happens here is violence and misery. People in this community are dark and creepy and filled with evil. My boys just had some kid yank their arms and threaten them yesterday. I need to get out of here. Not just the community but this stupid city. 

I prayed in the car that we would be saved and sent somewhere safer.  I cried as I prayed.  I almost had to pull over I was crying so hard.

I'm sorry for the depressing posts here. I hope you will continue to hang in there while I go through whatever this life changing circumstance is in my life. I keep saying to God, "Lord, just give it all to me now so that I can be done with it. If you want to take me home, I'll come running to you with open arms."

I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted...physically and mentally.

I try to stay afloat for the sake of my children....and only my children.

Lord please help me find a way. Help me find a way to save my children and myself before it is too late.

I'm sinking and I need a life boat.

Help me Lord....because I am truly scared right now.

Amen.

I Want To Be Published

I don't know if it will happen.

But I'm going to try my hardest.

I want to be published.

I want a legacy to leave to my children. Some part of me that can be shared with them, when I turn old, grey and die. 

Morbid thought I know.

I've always wanted to be published. When I was in grade school and graduating 8th grade, we had a "look into the future" part of our school newspaper.  For me someone wrote, "Barb will be the next Barbara Walters". Okay, everyone knew I loved to write back then. I was on the paper at school, my English grades were fairly decent (B's and C's) and in high school I was on both the newspaper and yearbook staff. 

It's one of my many passions in life.

To write.

To be published.

To have a monthly stipend that I can use to make my children's lives and my life a little better. To help in the community.  To help education.  To enrich the lives of others. 

Plain and simple.

I'm hoping that some day someone will read my book and say "Hey! I can relate to this!" or "This was a good read, you should check out the ebook." 

I am not sure what I will write about. But I know I want to write it.

So that's my goal for today.

To think about what I can write about....and make it happen.

That's a pretty good goal I think.

Speaking of goals....what's your goal for the day?  For the week?  For the next year from now?

*I hear the wheels spinning*

Sun is rising better get ready for work now.

Until next time.....

 

When a Bond is Broken.....

Well now that the hoopla of my quitting my old job and getting my new one is over, there have been some pros and cons to the new job.  

I have attained not only some much-needed sleep around here, but managed to lose a friend in the process.

Not sure if I mentioned it in my last blog or not.  

It kind of bugs me, but here's the thing...this "friend" of mine clearly wasn't a true friend. Perhaps I was her friend of convenience. A friend only because we worked together.  I've been used before, wouldn't be the first time. I thought we were true friends though, because she did a lot of nice things for me and especially my kids and she never complained about them....ever.  She just was such a good person to us, and likewise I would reciprocate when I could. It's not just "any" person that I buy gifts for. There was another girl at work who I knew and she had a 1st party for her kid, and to be honest I wasn't very fond of the girl, but loved the kid. Cutie patootie he was. I was invited to the party. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go. Just because I'm invited doesn't mean I'm obligated, although it felt like it because the group of coworkers was so small and...well....personal. 

I didn't go.

I didn't get the kid a gift either.  I'm not mean, it's just we weren't friends. If I went around buying gifts for all the coworkers with kids birthdays, or anniversaries, or whatever comes along I'd be broke.  

Now friends are a different story.  When my family is taken care of, friends come next in line. If they need a kidney, mine is theirs(unless family got it first of course). I'll buy, sell, trade anything to help them out.  This friend of mine is that friend(or WAS that friend I suppose).  This friend and I had so many fun times together, and we laughed and cried and yelled and got angry, but through the worst of times, we still managed to hang in there and take care of each other and have a pretty good friendship.

Then I quit my job.

Then all hell broke loose.

Then she wouldn't return my calls.

I didn't DO anything to her personally. I quit my stupid job.  It wasn't really all that stupid, it just got stupid towards the end of it, if it wasn't getting stupid I'd be stupid for leaving in the first place. Ya know??

Anyway, it's kind of like if you wanted to go out on a date with your husband, the kids are driving you crazy. You asked your friend to babysit that night. She says sure. Next thing you know she calls you up an hour before date time as you are squeezing into your control top, rubber-band like pantyhose to tell you she got a date with the hot looking UPS guy from work. Expletives are flowing through your head. You want to scream.  You say nothing.

There is awkward silence after you tell her it's fine.*really, it's not*

You hang up.

Days go by and you're still fuming. You're friend on the other hand calls you to say how sorry she was that she bailed on you. Her and this guy are getting married and you are the matron of honor. Her UPS boyfriend has a teenage daughter who can babysit for you. 

IN the end...everyone wins. 

Because in life, nothing is guaranteed.

And when an opportunity presents itself, you have to take it.

My kids are the one's who I am doing this for.

NOT ME....

My KIDS.

They will always come first, and the huge sacrifices I am taking right now, will pay off by next year. It was the scariest thing I ever did taking that big gamble quitting that day. But I'm doing this for my children and to better our lot in life here.


But unfortunately my friend doesn't see this.

All she (probably) sees is that she was left to work with someone who she doesn't really get along with. I don't know how long she had to work with that person, because she never called me back.

It's been a week now. 

I've stopped calling her and even deleted her on Facebook.

I don't have time for this right now, other pressing issues are in my life in the moment. I've already cried, gotten ticked myself and just let it go.

She has my number. She knows where I live. Send me a fruit basket, send me a fruit basket with moldy fruit to really let me know how she feels.

Something.

I tried.

That's all I can do.

I will still be here, if she wants to talk. I don't hate her and I sure hope she finds happiness in her life.

I hope she got a big fat raise because of me leaving. I bet she will or has already.  

That was her teenage babysitter....get the analogy there?



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