When Circumstances Stop You From Enjoying Life

I've noticed lately that my blog posts have become rather dark and dreary.

I apologize for that.

A lot is going on in my life right now and I often wonder how I managed to get through a lot of it.  Well, faith has something to do with it I suppose. I'm trying so hard to be a good Christian, I wonder some days if I am trying too hard.  I don't think it should feel like an obligation to worship God, I don't know if that's the word I am looking for, but I am stressed worshiping God. 

I love God.  

And I suppose that with any relationship you go through random feelings throughout your time spent together, and even with the Almighty I guess this is "normal"? This is something I need to speak to my pastor about. Because in all honesty, I don't like feeling this way.

I went to apply for a checking account last Saturday. The woman put in my info, said "Yep, you're good to go." Well, yesterday I went to my mail box and low and behold, there is a letter addressed to me, from my insurance company starting with the following words..."We regret to inform you...blah blah blah". 

My whole world shattered.

I started to cry in the car, while driving my kids to their grandmother's to pick up their swim suits.

I was so excited to finally have a bank account. Yet, for some reason, (I know the reason and it's not my fault this happened) I can't get one 14 years after the reason of why I couldn't get one began.

I'm in a dark place again. I hate this. I miss my normal self. I miss being so happy and chipper. I miss not crying every night wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month...where will I live?  Will I lose my kids? These thoughts haunt me day and night. I struggle to keep myself sane, I struggle to keep myself focused, I struggle basically to stay alive.

I don't want to die.

Nobody wants to die. But with the big hoopla lately since Robin Williams passed(may God rest his weary soul) about depression, nobody seems to understand how the simplest thing can turn the world of a depressed person upside down so much so that they revert to taking their own life.

You feel like a failure to your children, your friends, your parents. Like in some way you've let them down because you are just a pathetic waste of air.  You want to just end it all because, well, life would be better for everyone if you were gone.

I have a friend who told me suicide is selfish.

I disagree.

Because true you leave loved ones behind, and they mourn your loss, but they continue with their lives, and eventually forget the pain of losing you.  It's the cycle of life.

No...no...no....nobody panic or call the suicide hotline. I blog for this very reason. I blog instead of popping some pills or slitting my wrists as some depressed folks would do.  This is my way of escaping. This is my way of dealing with the dark thoughts that consume me on the days when I think, "I can't take this anymore".

I am alone.

So alone, it kills me inside. 

No family, no friends...several acquaintances...but no true, besties that I have out here. No man to hold me at night and tell me "everything will be okay", I can't even afford a dog...who would be more loyal than any man ever could be.

I pray, and pray and pray.

I ask God please remove me and my children from this wretched hell called Vegas. I cry out at night, hoping that one day God will save us from this place. 

Yet here we sit...still fighting the battles in this crappy community I live in that I have now referred to as "satan's playground". Because all that happens here is violence and misery. People in this community are dark and creepy and filled with evil. My boys just had some kid yank their arms and threaten them yesterday. I need to get out of here. Not just the community but this stupid city. 

I prayed in the car that we would be saved and sent somewhere safer.  I cried as I prayed.  I almost had to pull over I was crying so hard.

I'm sorry for the depressing posts here. I hope you will continue to hang in there while I go through whatever this life changing circumstance is in my life. I keep saying to God, "Lord, just give it all to me now so that I can be done with it. If you want to take me home, I'll come running to you with open arms."

I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted...physically and mentally.

I try to stay afloat for the sake of my children....and only my children.

Lord please help me find a way. Help me find a way to save my children and myself before it is too late.

I'm sinking and I need a life boat.

Help me Lord....because I am truly scared right now.

Amen.