Stupid Subconscious I Hate You

I just watched the most depressing Christmas movie ever...The Christmas Blessing. It had a sad/happy ending to it sort of. I only caught the last half hour of it, and it's probably better that way. I cried like a baby when it ended. It's about this poor little boy who had some type of illness and without ruining the ending for those who may decide to watch it some day, I'll just say I cried when he ended up in the hospital and was talking to his father.

The tears just kept on coming.

I don't know what I was thinking watching this movie.  For starters, I was all alone. And secondly, I didn't have the mass amount of tissue handy when the tears started flowing.

Now I have some movie called Help for the Holidays, this one seems a lot more cheerful than that last one I saw.

Thank Goodness.

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Well, I survived today at work.  I bolted out of there like there were zombies chasing me. I just wanted to get home. The room I worked in today was filled with toddlers, very energetic, very needy toddlers.  Don't get me wrong, I love those little munchkins and they made me laugh so hard today, but my stress level was at an all time high today thinking of all the bills I have to pay and all the things I have to take care of over the next month that it tends to affect my ability to concentrate sometimes.
And it wears me out mentally and physically. Surprisingly though, I didn't lose it once. I kept my cool. During nap time after some much needed help getting those little munchkins to sleep, I put on some meditation music that I use to relax it's compiled of sounds with birds and a flute playing and just took a few minutes to find my center.

It works every time and I manage to get through my work days easier when I do this. It's just 20 minutes of music and nature sounds, and today it put two of those little ones right to sleep for me and it's also helped other kids in the room I work in on a regular basis to get to sleep as well.

My kids went back to dad's today. Gee, I sure do miss them. I always miss them most the first few nights they are away.  Especially this week, despite some minor drama and meltdowns we had a really good Christmas week together.  It's too quiet around here now. All I hear are birds chirping and TV noise in the background. Haven't seen my little friend Jiminy around here lately. My daughter saw him in the laundry room hoppin' around Christmas day, but haven't seen him since.

Oops, phone call be right back....

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Well, it's now Saturday. 

Gee, I am getting lazy. 

Or easily sidetracked.

Or a little bit of both. 

I got a phone call from a friend of mine. She was sitting in a mall parking lot back in my home state of Indiana while we chatted for the whole one hour and some odd minutes  that we were on the phone. It was 12:15 her time when we hung up the phone. She called me at 9:20 our time.

I was out on my patio this morning and my neighbor was walking up his stairs.  I was looking at my phone reading something on Facebook and he said hello to me. I looked up, smiled and said hello back. Why am I sharing this little tidbit of random neighborly greetings with you? Because I'm going to talk about something that bugs me, and even with all the therapy in the world that I have had and talked about this in great detail, I can't seem to fix this one problem with myself when it comes to men.

I can't talk to them anymore.

Even men who I am not remotely interested in(as in the case of the above mentioned neighbor), just a random guy who is nice and courteous or just making conversation, I feel like a dork when I talk to them. 

I don't know why.

Can't figure it out.

It drives me insane.

Of course I have to talk to men at work, there are dads there. But in those cases I force myself to try and think of things to say in order not to look like I'm some lame dork who doesn't know how to verbally communicate with the outside world. I'm teaching their children, I should at least be able to put a few random sentences together without falling apart or looking like an idiot.

It drives me crazy.

All I want to do is talk to guys without feeling like a leper. 

Is that too much to ask of myself?

And every time I am outside and I hear this neighbor's footsteps coming up the stairs I just sit and pray he doesn't try and start a conversation with me or say hello. Because I have to live next door to this guy and it's best if I just stay on my side of the wall that separates us and he stay on his.  Because if he tries to actually have a conversation with me, I will for sure, most definitely say something that will make my self-esteem plummet even further into the land of embarrassment. 

I don't want to talk to guys. If it were up to me, I'd hide in a guy-free shell the rest of my life. 

Seriously.

Here's the thing, as I try and self-diagnose myself here, I think that it all boils down to the fact that ALL the men in my life have let me down at some point and time. And I think I'm just way too emotionally drained to deal with finding other male friends to hang with or chat with because deep down inside I've been hurt so much, gave the friendship (or marriage if such was the case)all that I could, and I was either:

 a)Abandoned by said men or,

 b)Chastised or ridiculed/Abused or Mistreated or,

 c) Taken advantage of or,

 d) They broke my trust in them or,

 e) All of the above at some point and time.

Our subconscious mind is a crazy thing.

It remembers things that we have long forgotten and the wonderful "cousin"( as I like to term it) of the conscious mind, that damn "subconscious mind" has a way of hanging onto things that were said or done to us long after we forgot it ever even happened.  So now, thanks to that lovely subconscious mind of mine, I'm forcing myself to live in a man-free world the rest of my life.

This is devastating.

I'd love nothing more than to have a fulfilling, deeply rooted, romantic relationship with some guy. A long-term let's run away together and elope kind of relationship with a guy; a guy who spoils me and my kids endlessly with quality time at home and trips to the park, the zoo and any place else that is fun. 

But that will never happen in this lifetime. For starters, there are numerous people who poke fun at the "high quality" men (insert sarcasm here) that I have dated. Sure I laugh with them about it. Because it is kind of funny. But truth be known, I get all the men who don't want a forever kind of love, at least not with me. Then I blame myself. Surely I'm the problem not them. I'm the common denominator in this so it has to be me. But then you have enough people telling you it's the man's fault eventually you believe it's the man's fault and you slink back into the comfort zone of the man-free shell you live in and stay single. 

Or you have people who tell you, "Get a dog! They are more loyal anyway."  That's easy for you to say, you have someone. 

I don't.

And while some of these people mean well with their quirky words of encouragement, what they don't get is that they have someone they can share special moments with, even if their man completely annoys they hell out of them from time to time, they STILL HAVE SOMEONE!

It hurts me when you tell me to get a dog.  That laugh I give you when you say that, it's a forced laugh, brought on by the fact that I don't want to fall into a tear-ridden conversation with you.  It's basically saying that I'm not good enough for a strong, happy relationship with a good man. Even though I'm sure that isn't what you are inferring when you say that, that's what it says to me when I go home...to my empty apartment...alone.

Hell I'd even settle for a relationship with a guy that was friend based. I had a guy like that in my life a long, long time ago. He was my best friend. Somewhere around here, I have that blog I wrote, and I will find it and I will share it. Because out of all the guys I was ever knew(and ONLY friends with) this guy was, indeed one of my two best male friends.

He was my diamond in the rough. Will never find another friend as good as he was to me, and this guy had more issues than I did at the time...believe me.

And then there was another friend of mine who I met at a job after high school. He was also my best friend. My mom absolutely loved this guy, but of course I didn't. Well, not love as in "love, love" the guy. I loved him like a best friend, like a brother. Truth be told though, it seemed like there were times that I found myself wanting to date him, but I held back my feelings for the guy, because, well, he was my friend back then. If I told him and he didn't feel the same, well...there goes the friendship. Plus when I was single he was dating or when he was single I was dating. It simply wasn't meant to be.

The fates had other plans for both of us.

Over the years I found myself wondering what life might have been like had I made my feelings known to this guy. He was so good to me. He watched my son for me when I was a new mom and going to school and my son was just an infant. He drove me places when I needed rides to the store because I had no wheels, or take me to doc appointments or whatever I needed. I remember one time he was driving me to my mom's after a doc appointment and I had a pic of the ultrasound. I said "You wanna see it?" He got all grossed out, and I think he thought it showed parts that he didn't want to see on me, and I told him, "It's just an X-ray silly!" I just laughed so hard at his expression. 

He still didn't look.

He was always there for me, and my son. What single 21 year old does that kind of stuff?  He'd pick me up and take me out to hang with the rest of our friends. I was the only chick in the whole group. It was me, and three really amazing guys. It was like that show on TBS called My Boys. It was so much fun back then when life was so much less complicated.

He's married now and has a nice family and a very, very pretty wife. He's doing well. I'm happy for him. I'm no longer friends with him anymore though, because we seemed to have drifted apart. He has a very important position at work, and I'm just this person from his past who he friended on Facebook long ago.

Meh. That's life.

So yea, I will never have a good, strong bond with a male ever again.

Because the stupid cousin of the conscious mind wants to make sure I never do.

I will begin knitting sweaters and start my cat collection now. Because after my kids are grown that's all I'll have left. My sweaters and my 10 cats. 

*sigh*

Posting this blog actually makes me feel a little better after the 1,000 tears I shed writing it. Again I say, there is nothing like a good therapeutic blog to get one's mind cleared out.

The new year is less than a week away.

Time to clean all the garbage out of my head, body, soul and apartment.

Like that chick in that movie, who wanted her amygdala  removed so she could forget some guy she met(crap I can't remember the name of that movie, it's gonna drive me insane now) I want my subconscious mind removed and replaced with a newer model. A fresh, never-before used kind of subconscious mind that will do a system restore on my brain and make my subconscious mind as pure as the day I was born.

Right, like that will ever happen.

I only want the good memories, not the bad ones in there.

Because it's messing with my happiness, it's messing with my self-esteem, it's messing with my head and my heart and I don't like it, not one stinkin' bit.

*What is the name of that damn movie?!*

Well, I guess I should go. I'm pretty sure I will be back again with more random banter to share. I think I'm going to read my very first post. Then I am going to read the New Year's Day post from this year and see what's come about since that post.

Should be interesting.

Until later....

Oh...the movie is called "Someone Like You"...love it.