Just One More Day

~ I was sad to hear that Robin Williams had died.

I could have done without the details.  The mere fact of him taking his own life was traumatic enough for me.

As a suicide survivor myself(yes, I tried 14 years ago to end what I thought was my wasted life, I'm here still by the grace of God) I will say that depression is an ugly disease, just as bad as drug-addiction. You struggle daily with trying to cope, trying to hang on "just one more day". Some nights it consumes you, other nights it is bearable. You have negative thoughts racing through your mind at lightning speed and you have to have the courage and strength to squash those thoughts with all your might it seems some nights. 

Praise God for my strong will to live after that horrible experience of long ago...seems like another lifetime to me. I still struggle and I don't burden those with my feelings who think I am some kind of "attention seeking soul" or "drama induced person" with what I am going through in the moment. I talk to God, I blog, I bake I turn to friends who I know I can trust. I look at my children and think "boy, what would they do without me"...that alone keeps me here on this earth....no matter how hard the struggle. 

I am sharing this with all of you, because it is a disease and the sad part is, nobody really cares until someone famous dies, while the not so famous suffer in silence...still looking for someone to "just listen", because it's not being selfish it's feeling alone, even if you are surrounded by fifty people, or being alone..at night with thoughts that are so overwhelming you start to cry, scared and feeling like there is no other way. So that phone call you ignored, or that email you deleted, or that meet up for coffee you decided to cancel, might be the one thing that will keep someone from ending it all if you just answer or meet up. The one thing people with depression need is someone to listen to them...with support, encouragement and love. Just one conversation can make a big difference to someone with depression. 

 Believe me, I know.

Instead of the common drug-addict looking for their next "fix" you are instead looking for a way to go peacefully to end the pain. In my case, I had sent my two older children to live with my parents, and my two younger ones at the time were with their father. And I was tired of fighting, tired of feeling like a worthless failure, I disappointed my parents and most importantly let down my children with the choices I had made at that time in my life...to move here...with a man I loved and trusted....to end up homeless and scared and without any family and a spittle of friends.

I had just got done talking to my ex. I was screaming and cussing at him. Next thing I know, I'm staring at a bottle of Percocet I had for pain management(kidney stones). Something in me snapped and I said to myself, "Screw this, I'm done." I consumed 12 of those suckers in record timing and next thing I know I'm calling him back and screaming into the phone some more. Then I hung up. Then I started getting loopy. Then, a friend of mine saw me crying and called the EMT's. Next thing I know she is throwing me into the shower and yelling at me to stop this right now. My kids need their mother. 

I told her I just wanted to die. 

I got angry.

I swore at her and she swore right back at me.

The paramedics came and when we got to the hospital, as I lay in that cold hospital hallway on the stretcher, the stupid Paramedic says to me, "Bet you'll never do something this stupid again." Steve....you're an asshole. I can say that now, you are. I will remember your name until the day I die. You do not deserve to be in the line of helping people, especially people who need saving.

Go be a drill sergeant or work on Hell's Kitchen.  I hope nobody in your life ever faced down the demons of depression. And if they did, I hope you weren't the one they called when they needed someone to talk to.

God help them.

To those of you out there who have no idea what depression is like, go sit in a room and turn off the tv and start nit picking at all the things in your life you've done wrong, keep repeating those things in your head over and over and over and over. Next, realize that you are alone. You have all those thoughts in your head and now you are alone with them keeping you company. It's scary. It's overwhelming and it makes you feel worthless and like a failure. And no matter how many times people tell you how smart, funny and beautiful you are, one of those evil thoughts come crashing in to squash those positive thoughts in a matter of seconds.

Depression is real.

It isn't someone trying to seek attention or have people give them a huge pity party. It's someone who is feeling worthless, despondent, and like their life has no meaning. Like they are pushing a giant boulder of emotions up a steep hill to the top of the mountain, but they never make it there. Instead, they stop pushing and let the boulder roll them over.

Usually they are people-pleasers; trying so hard to please their boss, or their parents or their friends or their children.  When they don't reach the sometimes unrealistic expectations they have for their life they feel like complete and utter failures.

They come in all shapes, colors, all ages, all social and economic groups. They try so hard and when things don't fall into place as they should, they give up trying and end it all.

It's sad but true. 

So just take time out of your busy day to check up on that friend who just lost their job, or their husband or that friend who just doesn't seem as perky as they normally are.  Have a cup of coffee with them, share a funny story. Suggest they seek counseling and tell them you will join them if they need the support.

REACH OUT.

I'm so glad that I still have the strength to live another day. I get to see another game, another memory can be made with my children, and even my granddaughter, and who knows my story just might help someone have the strength to make it "just one more day".