Nothing Like a Good Old Fashioned Little League Game

 *originally posted in 2010 on my other site*

I'm still excited when I think about my kids game the other day, so much so I had to share it with all of you.

We are in play off season here, and I'm telling you this is really intense. I was slightly disappointed in the coach and the assistant coach as neither showed up for the big day. We had a team of only 8 players, league rules state that's the fewest amount of players you can have to play in the game. Whew...we just made it.

The kids are excited, parents had their concerns, but overall we figured "well if we lose, there's always the fall season to look forward to, and the kids had fun." So we start the first inning. We were home team so the first batter gets to the plate, cracks a line drive to the kid on third base and he caught it.

"That's a good omen, huh?" I said as I grinned at the mom sitting next to me while we clapped. "3 up three down kids, come on you can do it!" I yelled.

Sure enough, one kid made it on base the two others were struck out.

We get up to bat and our team is on a roll, we had one forced out at first and ended up with five runs that inning as the kids just kept on bringing in their team mates.

I was so happy to see the dads out there and our team mom catching and coaching the bases, helping out my kids dad who was the other Assistant coach on the team. There was some good energy out there and despite the doubts about us winning this game, those kids persevered and it paid off in the end.

We had one grand slam, and three home runs total. These were the kids the main coach didn't want on his team in the fall and next spring. Those kids gave it their all and it showed in the final two innings.

Top of the fifth and one runner on second and my son was up to bat. He hit a fly ball to left field and we were screaming and yelling at him "run, run run!!!" in a fury of excitement, unaware of the poor little left fielder lying on the ground. The kids dad stopped my son and the other team mate from running a home run when he saw the injured boy on the ground. One run came in, and two outs later the other team came up to bat. We were ahead by 4.

The boy that was injured was fourth at bat. It was the sixth and last inning of the game, we needed to hold them to secure our teams victory. The pressure was on. He hit a home run that landed deep in center/right field, our kids little legs are going to get that ball and we watch as the other team scored they were ahead by two. We were glad to see that boy recovered from his injury, but worried about winning the game at this point. Two more kids out, inning over.

Now it's our turn.

We start off the inning with two strike outs. It wasn't looking good. The pressure was on to get those pitches in so the kids could get on base. It was a nail biter. The next batter up is the only girl on the team. She hits a double and my son is up next, followed by his twin brother. He gets to first base and his brother is up next. Ohhhhhhh, the pressure for us moms sitting in the bleachers and even more pressure on my poor baby. "Clean the bases" I tell him under my breath, "just clean the bases". He gets a strike, first one, don't panic, next pitch "CRACK!" it heads clear out to centerfield and hits the fence. He's running as fast as his little legs can go and we are all standing and yelling "RUN, RUN, RUN", he stopped at second base which is what they do to wait for 3rd base coach to direct them, I scream at the top of my lungs "RUN BABY RUN!" the coach is winding his arm to keep the kids moving towards home base. (oooo i'm getting chills just thinking of this moment again...good chills LOL) I see my boy coming around third base he looks at me and i'm smiling and tears are coming and I'm just elated as he hits home plate.

WE WON!

Oh the glory!

(Oh the relief. LOL)

Those kids, in that moment, it was moment that they will remember the rest of their lives. Hugging each other, jumping up and down in excitement, coaches shaking hands parents screaming in awe. Priceless.

I look at the mom sitting next to me, she sees my tears and I'm laughing hysterically behind my tears. I'm telling her "Happy Tears here, happy tears" LOL She's laughing with me.

Such an adrenaline rush I tell ya.

It's just sad their coach couldn't have been there to see it. It's even sadder that their team mates who were absent couldn't partake in that victory. These kids that won the game, may not be the "best" players in their coach's eyes, but as far as I'm concerned they are the BEST and the true winners in the league no matter if they win the play offs or not because they put their heart and soul into that game and it paid off in the end for all of them.

The One That Got Away

~Magickal Graphics~ *Originally Posted in 2010 on another site* This morning after I took my boys to school I sat down at my desk here and my daughter was looking at an old photo album I had from high school/post high school days. She saw this rose I had on the very first page of the album with a heart cut out of white paper and a date on it, October 15, 1988.

"Mommy, when your done can I touch this flower?" I asked her what flower. She said "This one mommy, and she opened my album and there it was. The first rose a boy ever gave me. He was 21, I was 18. We met at a grocery store where I was a cashier. He was a vendor for a local potato chip company. His name was Scott.

I gently peeled back the plastic cover on the page and let her touch the leaf on the rose. I felt the euphoria of way back then, and relived the whole time Scott and I had dated.

She asked me "Mommy what did your boyfriend look like?"

I told her "he had blonde hair and blue eyes and a nice smile. He smelled like Lagerfeld...",

"What's Lagerfeld mommy?"

"It's perfume men wear and it smells so yummy." She smiled at me.

He gave me that rose on Sweetest day, we were on our way out to eat, and he stopped at the convenience store in town and told me he'd be right out. He came out holding this rose and opened my door and handed it to me. "Happy Sweetest Day"...I wanted to cry. He kissed me and got in the car and we went to dinner.

Thank you Kalaya for taking me back to a simpler, fun time in my life.

Happy tears for happy times.

Oh, the good times. He was such a gentleman. Opened my car door, held my hand when we'd walk through the park or into the movies. He smelled so good, Lagerfeld, oh I will never smell another refreshing scent as Lagerfeld again in my lifetime. We laughed together so many times, we'd go to the lake and just make out for what seemed like forever and time would fly so fast for us when we were together. I wanted it to last just one more minute.

He made my heart race a thousand beats a second. I was in "Love" with this guy. I knew I was looking back. We never said those words, but I sure did feel it.

My mom loved him and my younger sister absolutely adored him. In a discussion a few months back my sister and I were on the phone and she told me how he was "the only guy I ever dated that she liked". LOL Just goes to show you all my history with men *grin* She told me she missed him too. 

Anyway, something odd happened. He invited me to his grandmothers 80th birthday party two weeks before the date of the party. I think my mom was more excited about it than I was. He was a "nice boy" and a sheer catch for her oldest daughter. We were going to drive 3 hours down to near Indianapolis to attend this party together. I was so excited, meeting the family...how cool.

I told a friend of mine about this event, and though she said that was cool looking back I didn't see it, but I think she was jealous. She was in a relationship at the time though I think they had some rough patches they were going through. I really honestly believe she sabotaged mine and Scott's relationship. She kept giving me all this advice about how I should tell him that I really care about him, and that I should see where this relationship is going. She was kind of a "big sister" to me and so of course why would she steer me wrong I looked up to her and usually heeded her advice. Then one night we were out drinking at a local bar/lounge(yeah, i know 18 and drinking...tsk tsk) and he brought up the topic instead of me. I said I wasn't sure where we were headed but to be honest I was cool with the way things were and wasn't really looking for anything more(like a ring or something wasn't ready for that), but I think this "friend" may have set this all up because he told me as we were dancing to Phil Collins "Groovy Kind of Love" that, he really liked me but he isn't ready for a serious relationship and wanted to break up with me despite what I said.

"Where was this coming from?" "Why would you bring this up?" at the time I didn't see it, but looking back I think this friend did a great disservice to both me and scott.

I cried all the way home that night. I turned on my debbie gibson tape and just sobbed all the way. I got home and headed to bed, not saying a word to anyone. I curled up and fell asleep. Oh I was heartbroken.

I wonder what he's doing now. I wonder who he's married to, how many kids he has and why in the hell he broke up with me. It still bugs me to this day when he pops into my head(which is very rare).

I'm just glad my daughter asked me about him. It was nice to remember the good times. It was nice to remember that at one time I did have a man in my life who cared about me and made me happy.

Dedicating this song to you Scott...wherever you may be.

Saving Spidey

Last night my kids dad picked me up from work as the Beast is still not working.

As I was getting into the truck one of the twins yells from the back seat, "Hey Mom, look at the tryantula(yes, TRY not TAR ) we found!" There on my son's lap was a giant blue Reebox shoe box and in it a tiny boulder, some desert rocks and this furry little, *supposedly pregnant according to my boys*, tarantula.

"You are NOT bringing that to the apartment!" I quickly yelled.

"Dad, can you stop at your house really quick?"

Their dad kept on driving, right past the turn to his house.

They named her Spidey.

So we make it home. They show it to all the neighborhood kids. I open my apartment door to see a 12  year old and a 10 year old admiring the little home my boys have made for this poor furry friend of theirs. They struggled with what to do with this friend of theirs and finally decided to let her go. So at 8 p.m. last night, they were out, box in hand searching for the perfect place to protect this little arachnid from the coming rains.

I had called my son's cell phone to tell them to come in, and his butt answered the phone. As I continued to yell into the phone in the hopes he would hear me, I couldn't help but listen to their conversation.

Peter(youngest twin): "This looks like the perfect spot. We need to build a trench so the water doesn't get to her."
John John(Oldest twin): "There's some dirt, let's dig here!"
I don't recall all of the conversation, however it sounded like a deep secret mission they were planning as the three boys concocted a way to save this spider and find her a new home.

So this morning, rain and all going on out here in the desert, my boys are up, bright-eyed and ready to go at 7:21 a.m. They run out to see the spider, and I really didn't think she would still be there.

Peter informed me that yes, she was still there as there were leaves piled up around the hole they had made for her and he also let me know that Tarantulas use leaves to protect themselves from the water and burrow as far as they can go in the ground.

I looked at him, impressed by his knowledge of spiders.

"It's their instincts mom," He said, as if I was an idiot.(which apparently I am because I had no clue about any of this at all).

They are still out there now, at 8:00. Walking around with a giant stick, in the damp cold air looking for other creatures to save from impending doom.

I love it when they are like this.

Just being normal, innocent children.

Is Anybody Out There??

I thank my 3 lovely followers for following me. :) However, my front porch is rather empty...I think I saw a tumbleweed roll by just now.

I'm still without my Beast. I called two different people. Both have yet to call me back. I called one guy, unfortunately he is a friend of my ex, so I'm thinking he just blew me off. The other guy is a friend of someone I met at work. I called him and he told me "I could probably look at it tomorrow. I will call you tomorrow." Tomorrow was yesterday.

I'm beginning to feel my self-esteem plummet.  Who gets stood up by not just one, but two mechanics, especially when it's a date with your vehicle and not you? That's the lowest of low points if you ask me.

I have insurance due on the Beast this week. I'm going to pay 80 bucks for something that isn't working. There should be an "if your vehicle craps out you don't have to pay" clause in there, but I'm sure there isn't one.

I also have a cable/internet/phone bill due. Along with an electric bill and groceries.

God I hate being single some days.

I hate being poor even more.

Anyway, I'm sitting here fretting about all of this stuff. Been up since 4:24. Makes for a pretty long morning of worry.

Part of me just wants to run away and go back home. I'd have to leave the kids here.

That won't work.

The sane part of me says "stick it out, it'll get better", but will it really?

I couldn't leave my kids for starters. I just couldn't. Even though my boys love their dad more because he has the luxury of buying them video games, cell phones and fancy dinners, I wouldn't want to leave them and I certainly don't want to leave my daughter either.
My daughter told me yesterday, "He likes daddy more than you," referring to her youngest twin brother who made that comment to his father a few weeks ago.

Then in anger, my oldest twin son will tell me "I wish(insert ex's girlfriend's name here) was my mom!" Really? I wonder why I bother at all.

I'm just so darn exhausted from fighting for the things I love. Especially when those I don't love(ex) get all the glory.

But I continue with the fight, in hopes his liver will crap out from all the drinking he does and he'll realize the error of his ways and all will be harmonious between us to co-parent simultaneously, or someone will knock some sense into him and he'll see my point of view on parenting. Buying a child's love doesn't win their love forever, only until you run out of money to buy them bigger things...then the well of love will run dry.

I'm just a mangled mush of a mess here.

Seems that I just can't seem to get ahead.

Sure I'm not the only struggling single parent out there. I've said that before. But my God, why can't I get a little bit of sunshine in my life every now and again?

My life is the brick theory.

This is what my mother said to me one time when I was around 18 or so. I can't remember what horrible life event happened when she brought this up, but she told me

"Your sister could fall in a pile of dog crap and come out smelling like roses. You, on the other hand, could be standing in the middle of a room of a million people, a brick would fall and land on your head."

Oh my God she hit the nail on the head.

It's direct and to the point that's for sure.  My life has always been a three-ring circus of drama and bad choices or consequences. Now that I've finally figured out what I want out of life, it's too late and the circus won't leave town.

My sister does have a golden life. 

She always has.

It's just how her life was meant to be.

She's always been dealt a royal flush, meanwhile I have been dealt the toilet flush in life.

She's a good person, don't get me wrong but everything in her life just flows like a waterfall. She has a perfect home, perfect hubby, wonderful kids.  Things always manage to work out for her.

Then there is me, I dated crappy guys, got screwed over, made poor choices and do the "shoulda, woulda, coulda dance" over and over in my head.

What's the point?

Seriously, what's the point of going through all the madness if at the end of the day, if me and my kids are miserable?

So I just sit here like a leaf blowing in the wind waiting for where that wind will take me next.

I just wish I had someone I could talk to who understands exactly what I am going through. 

And how they got out of it, or if they ever did.

Time to get my day started. It's almost 7 and I have to get my kids up and ready. I'm getting a ride from someone and I don't want to keep them waiting. 8:30- comes really quick around here. 

So if anyone out there is listening, I could really really use a positive word of encouragement. A hug, prayer, positive energy, whatever you can spare. 

Thanks.

 

Texting and Driving...an Ugly Combo

My blood pressure is now back to normal and I am no longer shaking, so let's see if I can get this blog post going here.

Here's what happened:

I took a leisurely stroll to my neighborhood Walgreen's. It's finally a nice day out, (unlike the nasty frigid weather that killed the beast) so I decided "Hey!, I'm gonna grab me a few valentine heart snicker's bars, some mac and cheese for dinner and some cookies to snack on for later to go with some hot cocoa."

As I'm just strolling along, enjoying the weather I had walked past a few of these parking lot entryways.  Mind you, I checked the left of me as I crossed each parking lot entryway so cars turning right didn't slam into me unannounced. As I did that I started walking across another driveway and this woman literally came out of nowhere, driving at warp speed, all I see from my peripheral vision is black and as I turn my head her head is looking DOWN and I stop like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar, frozen as she slams on her brakes.

She is waving her hands in the air saying "i'm sorry, i'm sorry" to me while her hand gestures are pretty much telling me "I didn't mean to do that".

I grinned at her and started walking.

Don't ask me why I grinned. I have no clue. She probably thought I was crazy.

I could have gone postal on her, could have cussed her out or banged on her hood.

But I didn't.

I just walked across the driveway, and started shaking and almost started crying.

So for those of you out there on your stupid cell phones in the car, do us all a favor...DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE. DON'T TEXT AT A STOP LIGHT. DON'T TEXT AS YOUR CAR COMES TO A SLOW CRAWL. PAY ATTENTION TO THE DAMN ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU, BEHIND YOU AND ALL AROUND YOU.

It's the law here in Nevada...you can't even TOUCH your phone. Not even to turn it on. Not at a stop light or stop sign, not in the middle of stopped traffic, not to take pictures of the bright shiny thing in the sky at night.

So if the motor is running, and you're buckled up keep your eyes where they belong and your hands on the wheel.

And remember the speed limit in a parking lot is 5 mph, with good reason too.

Just Random Banter

It's day 5 without The Beast.

I have someone coming to look at it tomorrow. Wish me luck as I will need it.

I'm broke and only have about a 100 bucks to spend on repairs. I'm trying to stay positive here.

Last day of work before my three-day weekend, which I so desperately need at this point. It's been a crazy week. I was blubbering like a baby on the phone with a friend of mine, and I kept apologizing for it. I was just so overwhelmed. My life is Murphy's Law, I swear.

I get tired of having so much bad crap happening to me. I could see if I was some type of thief, or someone who beats people up and bullies them, but I'm a nice, compassionate, person. I try to help others when I can, but it seems lately I am the one needing help and to be honest, I hate it.

I've been dealt this hand for whatever reason.

So I just go with it. Take it a day at a time as my mom tells me to do. That's all I can do.

It's almost 6:30 in the morning here and there is a brisk chill in the air.

I have to get ready for work in about 15 minutes or so, my clothes are twirling around in the dryer. My ride will be here in about 45  minutes or so, provided she gets herself going on time.  Poor thing has been running late as she has her own drama to deal with too. I'm just glad she is willing to come get me. I'm about 5 minutes out of her way on her route to work.

Hopefully I will have something more insightful or humorous to share this weekend.

Wouldn't that be nice?

I just felt the need to blog this morning.

Not that I have much to say, huh?

I'm going to run now and get ready for work.

Hoping whomever should glance at my page here has a wonderful day.

Until next time....

The Beast Is Dead

I'm not quite sure what happened.

It's colder than Jack Frost's bottom out there.  Living in the desert I'm not use to this brisk, cold weather and apparently neither is the beast. I started her up, let her warm up a bit, put her into gear and she sputtered, squeaked and then plumes of smoke emitted from beneath her hood. I pulled her into the nearest spot in the parking lot where I live and calmly told the kids to get out of the van quickly.

My beast is dead.

I don't know what I am going to do now.

That was my only way to work, my only way to get the kids to school, the only way to to do anything really.

I'm not sure I'll be able to fix the beast because I'm thinking it's either the engine or the radiator, and I know for a fact a new radiator costs 400 bucks.

I don't have that.

I'm scared here, because instead of freaking out I am rather calm and collected. I keep thinking there is a rose-colored ending to this saga.

I hope so anyway.

I'm not the first single parent to have something like this happen to me, and I'm sure I won't be the last one either.

So I'm just going to sit here and wait.

Wait for someone to call me back who can fix my van, wait for someone to come by and hand me a bucket of hundred dollar bills, wait for some miracle of sorts.

Okay...maybe the bucket of bills is a bit extreme, but there has to be a silver lining at the end of this dark cloud.

Found a ride, now just need to fix my van.

Let's hope that it all works out for me here.

When the Birds and The Bees Come Knocking on Your Door

I'm sitting here this Sunday evening ever so bored.

I got a phone call earlier from a friend of mine, we chatted for a little bit and then she had to go feed her hubby and kids. So now I'm deciding what I'm going to do with the next 3 hours until bedtime.

Maybe bedtime will come sooner than I thought.

I went grocery shopping today. I was extremely disappointed when I asked the produce guy if they carried pear juice. I wanted so badly to try this Cucumber drink a friend of mine posted on Facebook. It's from Sacred Earth Healing Arts FB page under the photo named: Skin Perfection Smoothie . I will try the frozen section, as a friend of mine suggested to do. I didn't think to look there.

I suppose I could catch up on some shows I watch during the week, that I couldn't catch in their entirety. Especially Parenthood, that is one of my fave shows of all time.

 I had the unfortunate incident, thought my kids were sleeping when I put it on, and out come my twin boys telling me they couldn't sleep. No sooner had they come out, when one of the children on the show named Max, a teenager with autism, says matter-of-factly to his parents, "I have pubic hairs."

 My oldest twin says to me, "Mom, what are pubic hairs?"

*GASP!*

Now mind you, I have already had the birds and the bees talk with my children. Sad I had to have this talk with them at such an early age, but you would not believe the things that they are exposed to at their age, that I never even knew about until I was 20.(no joke) I was a sheltered child, and didn't get most of the jokes my fellow grade school peers told on the playground, but laughed as though I did. I will say that when I was in 7th grade, a group of three other girls and I did have this "club" where we'd meet up at her house, go to her mom's candy store, walk along the main drag as most kids did back then, and one time headed back to her house and looked at the naked pics in the magazine her mom had stashed in her bedroom that my friend found.

We all laughed, but truth be told, I was really embarrassed.

Never once did I say "We shouldn't be looking at this." or "I'm uncomfortable seeing this." Instead I went along for the magazine porn ride with my friends.  Thank God it was only dirty pics that one time and not drugs or alcohol.

I didn't drink until I was a  senior in high school....scratch that...freshman...I was a freshman in high school. My friend *Lori*(not her real  name) and our friend *Marge* went out on our bikes and Marge stole an Old Style out of her dad's fridge. Picture us riding down the street, sharing one beer as we tossed it back and forth. I'm surprised nobody told our parents. Because back then, my dad knew everyone in town. I couldn't go anywhere without my parents finding out what I was doing, even when I became an adult and a mom. Somehow, some way, they found out things about me. Till my dying day, I will never know.

I still shiver when I think of a date I went on with my very first "real" boyfriend.  I was 18, and we met at a job I got after I graduated high school.  We were in a parked car messing around and the windows were all fogged up, when all of a sudden there is a knock on the window. There stood a police officer with his flashlight asking us what we were doing.

"Studying officer, doing a project for biology," if only I had been quick enough to say that back then.

I was so nervous. The cop looked at my then boyfriend's license, then he took mine, looked at me, grinned and handed me back my license and told us to be on our merry way.

I was soooooo embarrassed. I'm pretty sure my dad knew that guy too.


I got home that night and I tried to run up the stairs as fast as I could. Both my parents were downstairs in the family room. I heard my mom yell to me and I froze half way up the steps then tip toed back down hanging my head over the railing.  My father is in his recliner and my mom was sitting in hers. They both were looking at me.

"Yeah?"

"So how was bowling?" My mom said to me.

"It was fun. We had a good time."

"What was your score?"

Dammit, busted.

"I didn't do that well. Got like a 45 or something."

Not even sure what a good bowling score is. Is 45 even a possible bowling score?

I don't bowl.
They did.

I smiled and ran upstairs.

So getting back to my son's question, I didn't avoid it. How do you answer something like that though? I trained my brain for the "Where do babies come from?" question, had it all mapped out, read tons of parenting columns and magazines but the most simplest (and should be easiest and obvious) answer to a basic question and I didn't know what to say.  

Couldn't he have asked this when I had at least 3 cups of coffee in me after a good night's sleep?

I finally said, "It's hair between your legs you get when you go through puberty as a teenager."

That seemed to answer his question.  Because none followed after that.

I was glad.

Then of course he and his brother went back to bed.

I can hear some parents screaming how I should shelter my kids from these things. That would be great if they didn't have to visit their father every other week and be exposed to stuff there too. I'm not going to bad-mouth him or say things that could get me in a load of legal trouble, but I have eyes and ears where he lives and I hear things that go on in the neighborhood. And my kids tell me stuff too that goes on there as well. Not on purpose, sometimes it's on accident. And I try to control my facial expressions so that they continue to tell me these things and will trust me.

Anyway, I want to have open communication with my children. I don't want them to be afraid to ask me about condoms or birth control pills when they are older. I'd rather teach them the pros and cons of having sex, then having one of them come home telling me a) "I got someone pregnant" or b) "I'm pregnant" at 16, 17 or 18. If someone abuses or bullies them or does something to them that they don't like wherever they are(work, school, etc...) I hope they trust me enough to tell me.  

Sex is nothing dirty. It's one of the most beautiful gifts our Creators have given us. It's nothing shameful at all. And it should be treated as such when discussing it with our children. That's how I see it anyway. That IS what I believe.

True I'd love nothing more than to have them NOT have sex until they are adults, married or not, but I'm not an idiot, and I just hope that my guidance will help make them into respectable, conscientious teenagers some day who make the right decisions in their life well into adulthood... Mind you not the decisions I WANT THEM TO MAKE, but decisions that are in THEIR BEST INTERESTS. (There is a difference and that's another blog I have cooking in the back of my mind.)

Okay, I've rambled plenty here. 

My fingers and my eyeballs need a break.

More to come later....this evening....remember I'm bored.  :)

~Magickal Graphics~

A Single Woman in a World Full of Married Friends

~Magickal Graphics~    

I'm going to be completely honest here, my luck with men has been the worst.

I've been married twice, and lived with a man for eight years, five of those eight were sheer hell.  My mother told me in a conversation we had "You sure know how to pick 'em," and we both laughed because it's true. I can't seem to find a man who respects me and my children and knows the meaning of unconditional love.

My first marriage, well, that was a joke. We were young, naive and stupid. I wasn't the type of woman he needed. He has been married to his wife now for almost 20 years, and they are happy together. Good for him I say. My second marriage, well, I think we would have worked had I been more assertive and less submissive. Also, honesty on his part would have been nice. I'm not going to bad mouth him, I'm not angry at him anymore. I will say, it would be nice if we could at least be friends, like some of those couples who still hang out with their kids and talk on the phone about life, kids and what not. But it just wasn't meant to be that way.

He too has a happy marriage.

Then there is the #3, never a husband, but almost was. He gave me a ring and asked me to marry him but then chickened out. Always had some sort of reason not to marry me(glad he didn't now); my credit was bad, my son was bad, or I cried too much. He knew what he got when he dated me, I was totally upfront about my emotional issues and my background with men, and my insecurities, but he still asked me to move in and then asked me to marry him, then reneged on the offer .

Worst decision in my life ever moving in with him, next to moving to this city I hate.

So here I am now, alone and surviving. I would love more than anything to have a man to curl up with and watch a movie. A man who would love my kids and treat them like his own. A man who is a protector and provider. A man who has no limits and is not afraid to share his emotions.  I can't stand men who are emotionally closed off. I like hugs and kisses, I love taking walks on the beach(provided there was one around) or going to the park for a picnic, or taking a trip to Disney even with the kids. A man who laughs at my stupid jokes, and who loves every part of me.  A man who will communicate with me and when things are going bad in his life either at work or life in general I can help him through it.  A man who truly loves me for once.

I feel like Sally in this movie.  A hopeless romantic who doesn't want to die of a broken heart. True I probably won't die from a broken heart, but rather simple old age.

I'm sitting here just weeks before my 43rd birthday and all I keep thinking is will I be single forever? A lot of people tell me I don't "need" a man. True I don't NEED one, but I'd like one nonetheless. And the people telling me I don't need a man already have one. Easy for them to say don't ya think?

I don't obsess over finding a man, I'm not even looking for one to be honest.  But once in a while, it hits me like a ton of bricks just how single I really am. And yes, it's true I have my children and I love them more than I will ever love any man, but there are just some things I can't discuss with them because, well, they are children.

I just wish I could find a guy to share my hopes, dreams and life with someday.

I know I'm not the only single parent out there who has the same wants as I do. Nor am I the only single parent out there with friends and family who are happily married. Get on Facebook and it's the most depressing thing ever. I see photos of friends and family at barbecues together, at the inlaws on a holiday together, sharing "sweet nothings" on each others pages and bragging(rightfully so) about how much they love so and so to death because he is the "greatest man ever".  Friends who have men they married who treat their kids so well, despite the fact those children aren't even theirs.

Yay for them.

I am truly happy for them, but I wish I had some of that happiness too. It sucks to see all that, and I sit here in the company of a pint of ice cream or chips and salsa and reruns of The Mentalist as I sit on the couch Saturday nights.

I hope some day to find that man. He's out there somewhere....I think.

~Magickal Graphics~

Dear Mother Nature

Alright!

Christmas, Yule, Hannukah, Kwanza have left the building, kindly restore the warmer weather now Mother Nature.

Please and thank you.

I'm freezing my hiney off over here and I don't like these seasonably cold temps. If it's going to be this cold, at least give us some measurable snow out of it.

Fat chance of that happening in the desert valley I know.

I'm hoping for the blizzard of '08 to return. That was a snowstorm I will not forget.

Look at how pretty it was.

I had to work that day, and I was like a kid in grade school who wanted to play hookey. I didn't want to go. I hadn't seen that much snow since I lived in Indiana and moved to this crappy town in 2000.

I could tell who the native locals were out here because they would come in and say, "How am I going to pick up my Susie from dance class?" or "I hope I get home okay."

People, it's snow, you may not have seen this white stuff before unless you've taken a trip to Mt. Charleston in the dead of winter, but I promise you, if you drive like you do in rain in this snow, you'll be just fine. It's just frozen rain."  Although, some of these Vegas drivers don't know a thing about driving in the rain either. I've seen it with my own eyes. 

My kids made a snowman with their dad while I was at work. They used my smudge stick for the nose and a few  oreos for the eyes. Not bad for never having played in snow before, if I may say so myself here.

So after coming home from work and being greeted by this lovely little fella I decided to check the news. I laughed so loud when I heard them say "Clark County School District Schools will be closed to do the weather". 

I remember walking in more than that much snow when I was in grade school.  We loved this stuff. We looked forward to REAL snowstorms where school got cancelled with good reason; snow drifts up the side of your back door you couldn't open it, and drifts as high as the fence. Snow plows boxing mom and dad's car in the driveway(although mom and dad didn't like it and swore like sailors sometimes ) after they just shoveled it always made us happy campers back in the day.

Bums me out my kids can't enjoy those simple things about snow that I did growing up.

I loved making snow angels, having snowball fights and building igloos out of that wet, thick, packable snow. 

My brother liked to hang onto the back of the bumper on the school bus after we'd get off and go for a ride down the block. 

Should younger reader pass by my page...NEVER EVER DO THIS! Even older readers, it is a stupid thing to do if you ask me. But fun to watch someone else do it. Kind of like watching those kids skateboard on those thin pipe rails and they take a straddled spill...OUCH...then it ends up on youtube cause their friend dared them they couldn't do it.

It was funny watching them slide down the road behind the bus. I never did it. I was too scared to do it.

So anyway, Mother Nature, unless you want to bring us some snow to go with the cold, please please please move the dial to spring.

My van, my kids and I do not like these frigid, cold temps.

I am not a desert rat, but I am also not an Eskimo either.

One Bathroom, Three Kids and Petshops...Nuff Said There

This evening I was on the phone with a friend of mine, who I haven't talked to in ages.

She is trying to tell me about her dinner with her man and the rude customer in the restaurant, when all of a sudden my oldest twin is screaming "Mommmmmmmmmmmmmm!" from the bathroom. I come out of my room and head into the bathroom where I find my youngest twin and my daughter staring at me with that "deer in the headlights" look and all my daughter's pet shop animals are lined up across the counter top. I look to the left and the sink is filled with water.

My oldest twin is sitting on the toilet.

I tell my daughter and her brother to take their playing to my bathroom. I don't know really who was there first, and to be quite honest my oldest twin had won this battle in my opinion but I said to him anyway, "Why don't you use my bathroom?"

"I already started going mom!"

Oh Dear.

So I look at my daughter and my son and I say to them, "Just go in my room and use the sink in there."

"But mommmmmm, we can't fill the sink in your bathroom."

It doesn't work, hasn't since I moved in here.

"Can't we just stay HERE!"

*My friend, by the way, is laughing hysterically on the other end of the line*

I told them that they had to leave because the oldest was not able to.

The youngest twin huffed and puffed as my daughter collected all her fifteen-plus Pet Shop Animals and placed them in the container.

Next thing I know my son is asking me if they could fill the tub.

You're kidding...right?, I'm thinking to myself.

I wish I was.

So I tell him, "Fine, fill the tub a little bit and you can play in the tub for about ten minutes." They needed baths soon anyway, so I figured why not.

*At this point I had hung up with my friend*

So my daughter is looking for a pair of shorts to wear, and my son is now removing his shorts and hiking up his underwear. Why he did that I have no clue.

But it was hilarious nonetheless.

I'm sitting here on my computer twiddling around on my blog when I hear tons of splashing going on.  I knew I didn't want to go in there...but I did.

And what to my wandering eyes should appear?  A whole puddle of water atop my floor.

"What did you doooooooooo?!", I exclaimed.


Again the deer in the headlights look from just my daughter this time.

The bottom of my daughter's shorts are soaked, and my son's underwear is no better.

I told them it was time to get out and take their baths but first they needed to clean up the mess.

There were Pet Shops and also Angry Birds all over the side of the tub, in the tub and on my floor. My shampoo bottles were knocked over and water was everywhere.

It looked like Noah and his friends on the ark had come to play too.

Anyway, the kids all took their baths and showers and are all now safely tucked in their beds.  It's 10 p.m. and I myself wish I could take a shower now.

But after all that happened in the past 45 minutes, I just don't have the energy to do much of anything.

I just barely had the energy to post this blog for the night.

Hanging Out With My Daughter

Tonight my friend and her kids stopped by to play with my kids.  Her son was in the hospital, thankfully he is all better now.

So, after having a nice visit with my friend and her kids, I started dinner and the kids and I watched the end of Zookeeper. That was a funny movie.

Wish we had caught it from the beginning.

The boys decided they wanted to watch their own show, so me and my daughter decided we were going to play a game of Sorry. After she kicked my butt in that game she went in her room and was playing with her dolls. She is always alone in her room, and I feel so bad, because her twin brothers have each other so I went in there and asked her if she wanted to put her Hello Kitty puzzle together.

Her eyes lit up and she shouted "YES!"

So we put the 100 piece puzzle together in about 45 minutes or so.  This is the product of our hard work this evening.

We gave each other a high five when we finished.

Then she looked at me and said "I don't want to take it apart mom." 

So I suppose for now our dining room table is a puzzle display for a night or two.

I love my daughter so much. She is such a sweet thing most of the time. True, she has her moments, but I love spending time with her. We do our nails, for Christmas I did alternating green and pink(we had no red unfortunately) on each finger, we watch Honey Boo Boo(we laugh so hard at them...that show is hilarious), we read together and I try to do as much as I can with her.

She curled up on my lap tonight and said  "I'm gonna miss you tomorrow Mommy. The first day is always hard." I just held her and told her "I wish I could go to school with you like I use to, but for now I have to work."

"Can't you volunteer Mom, pleeeeeease!", she looks at me with those baby blue eyes of hers and I wish I could say "Sure I'll quit my job and live in a box," but instead I said "Sorry baby girl, but I have to work so we can have this apartment and food and clothes."

Ugh, I just try to enjoy her as best as I can.

These kids grow up way too fast.

About two months ago, she went as one of the monster high girls for Halloween.  She had some make up left over and we were on our way out the door to school. I look at her as I grab my keys and I said "OH NO! You can't go to school wearing makeup!"

I have to say she applied it correctly, which being 8 yrs old, I'm not sure if I should be proud of her or frightened.

She grinned at me, then let out this tiny giggle and I pointed to the bathroom and said "Remove it now please, before we are late."

Silly girl.

She was telling me about a time when she was visiting a friend, and her friend told her "One of my boobies is bigger than the other." My daughter looked at me and said "We don't have boobies yet Mom, what is she talking about!" so matter-of-fact and then we both burst out in laughter.

I couldn't help it. It was funny.

I just want my little girl to be a little girl as long as possible.  I hear about all the little crushes, and the notes in class that say "circle yes or no",  and I hear about how this girl is dating this boy.  And what constitutes a date, meeting in the cafeteria for a fancy Lunchable that includes a drink and an Oreo?

I just hope I can set a good example for her and teach her how to respect others, how not to be a doormat(like I was), how to be treated respectfully by a man, and how having a man is a want, not a necessity in life.

But those lessons will come in time.

For now I'm just enjoying spending time with her and making memories that will hopefully last a lifetime for us both.


 

Like a Fish Out of Water

I wish this were me.

Sitting on a boulder at a beach, anywhere, just being.

I miss the water so much.  I long for the day when I can finally be rid of this ugly city and return home for good.  A desert rat I am not. It's funny because I cannot swim, yet I love the water. I love the sound of waves crashing upon the shore. I love the feel of it and the wet sand between my toes. I love hearing the seagulls and feeling the cool, gentle lake breeze. I'm an Aquarian, so maybe that has something to do with it. Or maybe it's just the simple fact that water is so refreshing.

I just can't relax here.

I feel out of my environment.

Kind of like a fish out of water....literally.

I miss snow and rain and humidity. I don't care if it weighs down my hair, at least it doesn't dry it out.

To be at peace, and knowing that even when times are tough, to have the water to go to and recharge would be the best thing ever in my little world.

I wonder how many other people are fish out of water.  

I wonder how many others wish they were somewhere else than where they are right now.

Where is your pond? What makes you happy? Where would you like to be right now, in this very moment?

Posting Comments On This Blog and What Not

Magickal Graphics

Well, I'm out off my funk from yesterday.

Good thing too.

It was wearing me out all that damn crying I did and I ate so much junk food trying to feed my feelings, I'm surprised I didn't wake up looking like the girl in Willy Wonka(the ORIGINAL) who blew up like a puffer fish.  I still hate it here, and I still miss my family and friends and wish I could go back with my kids for good, but at least I got all that "funkiness" out of my system for the time being.

So, I went to my Facebook page this morning and found that I had a comment from my cousin who read my whole blog and tried to comment but couldn't. I noticed I had quite a few page views on my dashboard here, but nary a comment to find on any of my posts.

So I did a little research. And tried to post a comment to myself, and it turns out a new window pops up and you need to log into Gmail, or Aim or some other listed sites, before you can make a comment. Then you can post your comment.

That's a lot of work to post a tiny comment.

I'm going to see if I can't fix that. So maybe instead of logging in you just need to verify you are not spam by simply typing your comment and leaving a name and email instead(an email only admin...that would be moi'...could see).  Don't worry, I don't spam. I don't have time to spam. I barely have time to pee or blog even, let alone spam 50 zillion people.

What would be really nice is if I had the option to pee while blogging.

Nobody would know.

How could they?

I wonder how many people take their kindle's, laptops and Iphones into the bathroom.  I bet it's a lot of people.

Okay, that was a really random thought there wasn't it?

Anyway, I'm going to work on this whole comment thing. Until then, I hope people continue to visit. It's nice seeing numbers that I am seeing here with page views. It's a small number less than fifty more than 15. And yes, I have to add in the number of times I visit my blog too.  So I should deduct about 7 page views from that amount.

I'm running to get some coffee.

Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back.

***************************************************

I'm back.

I have a nice hot cup of Vanilla coffee. Yum, this stuff is tasty. I also have 3 cream-filled sandwich cookies. Great breakfast, huh? 

Would you like some coffee too?

What's your favorite blend? Do you like cream and sugar? How about those creamers that are flavored? I have eyeballed the Bailey's one in the store a few times. Have yet to try it out. 

Bet it's really tasty.

I go to pick up my children from their dad's today.  I hope they behave this week.  The holiday week I had them, was Hell week at the house(umm..apartment I should say). They fought and made messes and it was like a giant Hurricane was sweeping through my home with them here. Between the noise, and the ruckus, and the constant mess I am surprised I didn't melt down sooner than yesterday. 

I found my apartment, and I really would hate to see all my hard work destroyed in a matter of minutes. 

I love my kids, of course I love my kids, but it's just the damn messes and fighting that drive me insane.  And I'm not talking about slight slaps or wrestling, I'm talking downright punching each other in anger when they get mad, and not stopping until the other twin is either crying or bleeding(don't panic, it hasn't gotten that bad..yet).  I dread the car ride to school and work in the morning. They are buckled in behind me, and then they start in on each other, and then my oldest twin will start kicking the back of my seat as he tells me "Why won't you yell at him!" to which I calmly reply, "Because I don't need to yell. I am tired of wasting my breath. I told you two to stop, you didn't listen and here is your consequence." Then he kicks harder, so much so I am waiting for my head to go through the windshield one of these days or hit the air bag and accidentally set it off.

Of course maybe then they'd listen to me. Ya think?  Meanwhile, my daughter sits in the very back of the van looking out the window. I see her daydreaming(or sleeping) as the madness ensues between her brothers and I.  And I think to myself, "How is it, that the two behind me, are related to the one behind them?"

Oh well, I know I'm not the only single parent in the world with children who are out of control.  Who have a co-parent(or whatever you want to call them) that is the "fun" parent with NO restrictions whatsoever, while you try so hard to maintain control on your week and almost end up in the looney bin in the process.

I will just think good, happy thoughts and picture in my mind children who are respectful. Children who don't call me an idiot, or tell me to shut up.(yes, they tell ME to shut up, if I'd of done that to my mother I'd be seeing the front of her hand heading towards my face, with good reason too).   Children who pick up their messes and don't leave Capri-Sun wrappers all over the kitchen floor. 

Don't get me wrong, my children have a sweet side to them. Pictures and cards and I love you's from time to time. Sometimes they fight over who sits by me on the couch. As crazy as it sounds, it's nice to know they want to be near me after all the yelling I do by the end of the day at them.

This is parenthood.

This is my life.

It's Almost Midnight....

....and my sorry butt is still awake.

Thank God for caffeine in the morning, and also for the fact that it's Friday, last day of work for the week.

That is if I make it into work.

I drive a beast of a vehicle. It is falling apart all over the place. I have dents and dings in it on every side of the vehicle. The back bumper fell off and is being held up by bailing wire.

That's right, I said bailing wire, they kind they use to, well I suppose bale hay.

I'm not even sure if I spelled bailing right. Forgive me, it's 11:47 and my brain is too tired to check grammar at this point.

I talk to my beast on a daily basis.  This is my morning conversation with the beast on any given day:

(in the summer as I'm pouring water into the radiator): "Please don't overheat today."
(in the summer, as I watch the gauge for the radiator hit that evil H...for Hell HATH OPENED IN YOUR ENGINE) "You HAVE to make it to Christmas I need to get to work so my kids can have some kind of  decent Christmas with me!"

(in the fall as the car begins to jerk sporadically into gear): "You've got to make it to Christmas. I can't lose this job! I need the money!" (again, it's more about survival at this point, and not Christmas gifts)

(2 days ago as I rev the engine because it won't pop into gear...mind you it's an automatic): "Damnit, go already!!!", (revs engine harder...POP!SHIFT...sound of something heavy that may have dropped off the vehicle) "THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU! NO...NO....COME ONNNNNNNNNN!" Sputter, thud, sputter, sound of van on it's deathbed as it attempts to shift gears in the 30 degree weather.

(This Morning):  I squeeze in on the passenger's side door as usual and scoot across leaning down under the steering wheel to pop the hood, because my driver's side door is toast and will not open.  The Panel fell off on the inside.

Lovely, I know.

Anyway, I pray the hood will open so I can, once again, pour more water into the radiator, so my van will not overheat. Unlike some mornings, I am alone without any of the kids to help me pop the hood, and I push down on it...bang on it even... to get it to open up. Some days I am lucky, some not so lucky. Today happened to be a lucky day. It popped on the second try.

I start it up and let it warm up a little. I normally don't do that. But I figured maybe that's why it's shifting hard. Because I noticed once I am half way to work, the shifting issue isn't really an issue anymore. 

After about 4 minutes, I back up the van and begin to turn the wheel to the left to complete my exit from my parking space, no sooner did I do this then my van decides it's not going to not shift on me it's just going to stop steering and flat out die on me....in the middle of the parking lot and it rolls forward a little bit.

At that very moment, in my head for that split second of terror, I see me not going into work, losing my job, my apartment, my kids....I shout a few swear words and try again to start the van....rrrrrrrrrr....

"Houston, we no longer have a problem!"

I get on the road and go to get gas, because, of course, the floater in my gas tank is broken and my gauge loves dinging and telling me that I have no gas when in fact I do.  Apparently I had so much in there, that when I paid the usual 10 bucks that I do to the nice guy behind the counter at my corner gas station here, I got to go back in and get 1.25 change.

Apparently the tank is full.

I sure hope it starts tomorrow. I think I could write a whole blog on my van.

It's my miracle vehicle I swear it is.

The guys at Good Year laughed at me and were amazed it still ran when they changed the oil on it a little over 3 months ago. I know this exactly because my little sticker on the window says next oil change is December 2nd. Unfortunately they are out of business....

Guess that explains why I never got that credit card that I wanted to get that I applied for to get a discount the day of the oil change. I filled out an application the Sunday before Labor Day and nobody ever contacted me or sent me a card. *shrugs*

Okay, this blog is getting long and I am getting tired. I will share more later.

Write now I need sleep. It's 12:14.

Did you know that 1-3-13(Thursday's date) makes 1313 if you put all the digits together with no dash marks?

I'm an odd duck....I know.  Random thought I had at work today when filling out a progress sheet for one of my kids.

I just realized I wrote "WRITE" now I need sleep up above, and that is not the way you spell "RIGHT" correctly.

Have a great day fellow passers-by. I will see you all later.(I just had a moment of deja vu...that was weird)

And Why Didn’t You Show Up To Christmas Dinner?

I hate modern technology.

Yep, that’s right, I said it, I hate it…with a passion.

I know, I know, I’m sitting here now on a dinosaur computer(a desktop not some fancy schmancy laptop with pretty colors and awesome graphics) so you are probably thinking to yourself, “Apparently she doesn’t hate it that much.”

Allow me to explain.

This computer of mine is my only connection to the outside world.  No, I am not some inmate, or some 30-yr old shoveling cheesy puffs in my mouth while playing World of Warcraft in my mother’s basement. I am a single, working mother who has no money and no social life to speak of because right now there is no time or money to have one. I have laundry, work, meals to make, and fights to split up over who gets the controller to the Xbox first, or who gets the last Gogurt sitting on the shelf in the fridge.  They really need to come up with packaging kids snacks with items that are divisible by 3. Not everyone has an even number of children in their homes ya know, and there would be one less argument in my home on any given day if snack companies did that. However, that is a completely different blog topic for another day.
Getting back to the original point of my blog post here, I want to address several things that annoy the hell out of me about our modern day technology:

• Texting vs. Personal Phone Calls: This one absolutely confuses me to no end.  I remember a time I had called someone because I was deeply upset and just needed to talk to someone. I needed a FRIEND.  I got through it alone of course, but it would have been nice to hear this friend’s voice and get my mind off of things than sitting there with my fat thumbs trying to type out all I was feeling at the moment and getting even more flustered at having to backspace every ten seconds because I typed the wrong word. Another time I called someone to get directions to somewhere I needed to be and they knew how to get there. I was driving, and even though at the time there was no law forbidding texting and driving I knew very well that was a task I could not accomplish, nor did I wish to accomplish it at that time. Not even 2 minutes after I called this person, they texted me. So why didn’t they just call me back?  It takes more effort to say the word “discombobulated” or “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” than it does to type it, don’t ya think? How is texting time saving? *smh* You can’t laugh together, or cry together or hear the tone of one’s words in a text. There is no feeling in a text. In my opinion, it’s impersonal.
• Facebook/Twitter(and any other social network out there): Ok, I get it, it’s the latest thing in “staying connected” to your friends near and far. You get to  see that awesome green and pink sweater Aunt Ruthie made and pics of Jess’s first kiss under the mistletoe, or John and Kelly’s new baby. But really do we need to see “Bad Walmart Photos”, or posts with vulgar song lyrics in them? I’m eating breakfast, I don’t want to read about what is “shakin between the sheets”. *shivers* Ick! And how many more times do I have to see photos that tell you to “hit like and see what happens” there is no dancing monkey who sings the national anthem. No, I don’t click those posts, but it’s annoying having five of them show up on my wall, when I’m trying to read REAL posts from friends and family I actually do communicate with on there.I don’t know why someone needs 3,000 “Friends”; followers maybe, if you are a band, a budding artist or even a business. But are these people really your “friends”? Shouldn’t they be more like acquaintances? I talk to my mailman, but he’s not my friend. I also talk to the woman at Walgreens, small talk about kids and the weather, but does that make her my “friend”?  I deleted someone, and it took them two months to realize that I was gone. What kind of friend doesn’t notice you are absent from their life? And does it mean that I don’t care about them anymore? It’s FACEBOOK PEOPLE not the real world. If I delete you, I did it because I got tired of dirty pics, or videos or vulgar messages popping up on your wall and my home page no matter how many times I clicked the “restrict” or “hide these posts” button.  Or maybe I’m just tired of your drama when I have enough of my own to deal with and I always check in with how you are doing when something traumatic happens in your life but you don’t reciprocate. Doesn’t mean that you can’t call me or I can’t call you.  It’s like the social networks are LITERALLY people’s lifeline and if you have been removed from their Facebook, you have removed the IV line of friendship from them too. Utterly ridiculous.

• Cell Phones:  This kind of goes back to the first point I made, but I have more to share on this. Please tell me why an 8 yr old needs an Iphone. Back in my day, we had quarters and a payphone. If you got stranded and needed a ride, or if you were at Jason’s house and needed to let mom and dad know you were staying for dinner, you used Jason’s house phone.  Remember call waiting? I do. I remember that was the big thing back in the day. My friend Cheri was the first one of my friends who got it. I remember we were on the phone talking and she said “hold on a sec” went to get the other line, and came back and said to me “could you hear me talking?” and I said no.  I thought that was the coolest thing. Nowadays the coolest thing for kids is having the latest Angry Birds game on their unnecessary cell phone.
  I just don’t see the need for kids under 13 to have a phone, or a kindle, or notebook or whatever they call those flat tablets.

The bottom line here, is that people are getting lazier and lazier. And the more technology we have out there, the less personal interaction we have with others as well. There are no more hugs, sure you can get “poked” but please buy me dinner first. There isn’t much socializing outside the realm of technology. I’m not saying everyone is a hermit, but I’m just saying that enjoying a story about how you got your first promotion, or crying over a broken heart as that person on the other end of the line tries to make you feel better has become extinct.
I even knew someone who was fired in an email.
Seriously?!
It’s gotten to the point where if you don’t have a social network or a cell phone you are out of the loop. One of these days someone is going to see a friend or family member on the street and the conversation will go something like this:

Kelly: “Why didn’t you show up to Christmas dinner?”
Lisa: “Oh, I didn’t know you were having dinner this year.”
Kelly: “I posted it on Facebook!”
Crazy, huh?

Diets and Parties and Kisses….OH MY!

*This was originally written on December 31, 2012*
 
Yep, it's that time of year again.

Time to set unrealistic resolutions like Dieting, Quitting Smoking or Drinking(or both for some people), time to leave a bad relationship or go out on a limb and start a new one.

 Resolutions are hokey if you ask me. How many people seriously keep to their resolutions all year long? I mean the WHOLE year, not six months out of he year, or even six weeks, but the WHOLE STINKIN' YEAR. Raise your hand, and I shall pat you on the back, because you deserve a medal. I know some people have great willpower.Yay! But some of us, like myself for instance, are standing over here eyeballing that last piece of holiday cake and dive into it without the guilt.

I was talking to some coworkers of mine last week about diets. I hope they didn't take my words as rudeness, I was merely speaking a general truth. They both talked about going on diets. I said in no uncertain terms, "Diets don't work".

Especially when you simply say the word diet. It's like your brain panics and everything you probably wouldn't have eaten you now want to have it. "Healthier Eating Plan" sounds better, in my opinion anyway. There is no way to flub up a healthier eating plan. You can eat salads, and diet sodas and fruits all you want, but you can also have a cookie or a doughnut too. You aren't counting stupid points, or reading labels on bags of pretzels, you simply say, "okay, I"m going to eat this this and this, go for a walk and my reward will be two cookies. I see people on diets, and I can tell they try to make excuses for why they opened that candy bar. "Well, I'll just have to do an extra ten minutes of situps". Okay. I am not judging you at all. I am not your priest, your mother or your husband. You owe me no explanation. I understand how cravings can be. True they may not always be healthy, but the way I see it, we get one life to live and as long as it's not a case of candy bars you are eating then by all means, enjoy that candy bar. You want to eat that candy bar, that's your business.

I smoke like a chimney on really stressful days when I get home from work because I don't smoke before I go in, or on my breaks or in my car because my children ride in there, and to be honest it stinks. The only time I smoke, is at home, by myself out on the patio. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, that is my vice. Coffee, Chocolate and smokes....in that order. Some days I smoke a lot, others, if it's a good day, not so much. I would expect the same courtesy from you as well, if I were to light up in front of you, provided we were in an open area that was well ventilated. It's my guilty pleasure. I'm not going to make excuses for my behavior. It's not harming you or my children(I smoke outside) or others kids so I will continue to do it until I decide not to if that ever happens to be the case.

 Another thing I just think is amazing about New Year's is how all these people squeeze themselves onto Time's Square, or the Las Vegas Strip(or wherever the party is happening) just to ring in the New Year. Please tell me what is so enjoyable about having some stranger's ass pressed up against yours in a crowd of a Million People? Or having a drink spilled on a dress that half your check went to purchase? I suppose it's cool to be in that atmosphere, and maybe some people are so inebriated that being slammed into or spilled on doesn't phase them at all. What I've always wondered is, if you go to use the restroom, how do you find your way back to your spot? Do you leave breadcrumbs, or a confetti trail back to your spot? Not to mention, how do you get through all those people to get back to said spot?

 I'm not getting a kiss at the stroke of midnight this year. Do I care? NOPE. It bothered me the first couple of years I went "kissless"(is that even a word?? Apparently not, as spell-check has told me no). But the year before last I spent it with my babies and they each gave me a sweet little smooch, and we blew poppers and pop-its and bells and whistles. It covered the next 3 years in my opinion.

 Do I wish I could get a New Year's Kiss? Sure, but I'm not crying in my Cheerios because I won't get one. There is always next year, and the year after that and the year after that...to infinity....to get a kiss at the stroke of midnight from some kind, handsome, compassionate man that isn't drunk. As long as I'm sucking air, there's a chance. Anything's possible. So work hard, play more, enjoy life and hopefully life will be good to you in the coming year.
Magickal Graphics

Random Ramblings

I have to say I love to write. I should write a book.

Maybe I will.

Actually I have written a book. 237 pages I wrote back in 2000. It's collecting dust in my closet. Can't get any royalties sitting in my closet now will I? I suppose I should dust it off and give it a whirl. Or maybe I'll write a new one.

I actually had one I started. A paranormal type book. I posted it online at one of the many sites I blogged at before my puter tanked on me, but for the life of me I can't remember where I put it. I remember the password, but not the email or the website. I need to scour through my FB and find it.

I'll do that another day.

I also have some stories I use to write with my son Christian. He's my little special needs guy. I just love him to pieces. We had made up stories about "Stewey the Spider". I have them somewhere too. I need to find an illustrator and maybe I can publish those as well.

I also had a blog called "The Spiritual Soul" but for the life of me I can't remember where that one went. It talked about different spiritual paths and the meaning of religion vs. spirituality. Would love to find that one. It's out there, somewhere, in the internet abyss.

I have never blogged so much in one day. I did five blogs(that counts this one) in one day. I really did miss blogging.

Truth is, I am procrastinating.

I did some cleaning around here. Put some laundry in the dryer, did some dishes, and even cleaned my coffee pot out with vinegar. I need to take down my holiday decorations. Ugh...the dreaded holiday decoration dismemberment.

That sounded morbid didn't it?

I want to have a clean house in the new year. I remember reading somewhere that clutter doesn't allow room for good things in one's life. I have to say I'm beginning to believe that. When I first moved into this apartment last year things flowed fairly well into my life. I got a wonderful job, money was good, and I was happy.

Now I seem to be bitter and depressed.

Stagnant.

Ick, I hate it.

I want to do more with my life. I dreamed of opening up a bakery one day. I also dreamed of starting an organization to help runaway children. Then there was the "Baking for Books" idea I had, where once or twice a year a bake sale would be held at my kids school for two days straight and parents who were interested could bake as much as they wanted to, donate it to the school and all proceeds would go to the school for workbooks and books and all that stuff the piddly budget doesn't cover from the school district.

Or help out children who don't have meals at home, to provide them with some type of weekend meals once a month at least. That one would have been called "Baking for Bread".

Unfortunately we have this stupid law now that only "store bought foods" can be brought to school. No more bake sales, no more cake walks, no more ice cream cupcakes to bring in for birthdays for my kids.

That bums me out.

So here I sit, looking at the pair of my daughter's jeans lying on the floor and my dining room table that needs to be cleared. Then out the door in the living room awaits the tree with all it's pretty decorations adorning every side and my bar that has several statues and snowflake globes that I must gently pack away for next year.

I stopped at Walgreens today to see if they had any last minute buys on clearance for Christmas, but what to my wondering eyes should appear....Valentine's Day Candy...already on the shelves.

Bah humbug.

Maybe next year I'll get some good sale stuff.

I'm sure by next month(meaning February) the good old Cadbury eggs will be packed in mass in the seasonal aisle at Walgreen's, before you know it July will be here, and that same aisle will be dressed with pumpkins and ghosts. *SMH* What a shame how they push the season on us, well before we are ready.

Okay, I really do need to get some work done around here. Thank Goodness the days are once again getting longer. Not only does my overly depressed and stressed mind love the daylight, but so does my sanity. My kids go nuts sitting inside for so long. Where I live, I won't let them out when it's dark. Too risky in my opinion.

I'll be back later I am sure.

Hopefully I will have some followers to keep me company.

Even just one soul would be nice. :)

Until next time......

I Miss My Boys

~Magickal Graphics~
*This was originally written on January 30, 2012*
 
Yesterday I said good bye to two of my children who live with their father back in Texas. I am over the hurt and anger of losing them in court, that was more than 4 years ago and in a way them being with him is somewhat of a blessing as our one son has special needs and has been diagnosed properly by the doctor that he now sees in Texas.

They get to travel, and see things that I would not otherwise be able to do for them. There are cons to them living their too, but every rose has it’s thorn I suppose. We all miss each other terribly and each time they visit memories are made and fun is had, but that last day is the hardest on all of us; including their three younger siblings who want nothing more than to live with them all the time. They keep asking me “Why can’t they stay?” I wish I had an answer that would mend all their broken little hearts, but instead I just tell them “Because that is how it has to be.”

We cried for what seemed like an eternity before they got into their father’s vehicle. His wife was very kind and we exchanged a bit of small talk before they headed back to his home. I tried like hell NOT to cry, but I hadn’t seen them in over two years, so despite the fact it was a mere 4 day visit, I thanked God I got that visit to share with them. It just makes me so distraught that I have children who aren’t here with me. My oldest left me 3 years ago, guitar case and the few belongings he had in hand as I dropped him off at the airport to his new journey in life….a gig in a rock band in Ohio. I haven’t seen him since then. I’ve talked to him several times on the phone, but the phone calls lessened each year as he got older. He now is 21 and has a daughter and hasn’t called me in months.

I miss him terribly too. Just hearing his voice makes me feel content knowing he is alright. My other son lives in the same state as my oldest. How I wish I could see him too. He will be 18 this February. Going off to college or a trade school, he isn’t quite sure yet what he wants to do with his life. I miss him so much though, and call him as much as I can. I think about all the poor decisions I have made in my life that caused my children to live so far away from me.

I hate myself for those decisions and regret them every passing day of my life. I trusted the wrong people, gave my heart to those who didn’t deserve it and in the end the ones who suffered the most were my children. Sure my kids are happy for the most part. My oldest has some struggles that I want more than anything to help him with, but he is grown up and unless he knocks on my door or calls and asks for my help, I will not interfere with what he chooses to do with his life.

I live with my 3 younger children. They are a handful. Twin boys who are 9 and a daughter who is 8. I struggle some days with my twins, but I love them to death. They are a challenge and I keep hoping and praying that I can save them some day and get us all out of this God-Forsaken city/state. And I struggle to get along with their father too. Which is no easy task for me to accomplish some days as well, believe me.

 I just want to “fix” it all. My whole family is broken. All I keep thinking is “If I had just stayed in Indiana, my life wouldn’t be so damn depressing and difficult and my kids would still be with me.” I know, I know, rehashing and singing the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” song in my head is not productive. And crying out loud saying “I hate the desert I want to move back home with my babies” isn’t productive either. But I just feel so lost out here.

So alone.

I miss my babies. All of them. I want nothing more than to hug all my boys who aren’t here and my granddaughter until they tell me to stop. But for now I just dream about doing that. For now I am searching for a part-time job to supplement the full time job I have at the moment. I want to save up some money so that I can see my kids more often. So that we can make more memories and do more things. I want to take my kids on a vacation. I want to visit Chicago with my kids and show them the Museum of Science and Industry and the Shedd Aquarium and take them to the Indiana dunes, and Monticello to Indiana Beach. For the moment though, that is just a dream. I miss my babies oh so much.

What I wouldn’t do to see them again.

Sitting on the Front Porch

~Magickal Graphics~ Hello there,

I'm Barb,  and I live in the desert and I absolutely hate it. I'll try to keep this blog drama and complaint free, but I'm not promising anything. Chances are, until things in my life are where I hope they will be some day, complaints will come and go on occasion.

I had a blog on another site, but due to the fact that I couldn't use my own CSS codes and tweak my site the way I wanted to without forking out a huge sum of money, I decided to bring my blog over here.  So this will involve tons of copy/pasting and a very late night for me this evening. Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday, my last day of work for the week.

So here I am, my broke self and my computer and the eons of ideas and dreams and all sorts of things swirling around in my little brain.  Hopefully I will get a good readership base here. If not, at least my writing is good therapy for me, so I should feel better by the end of the day.

I chose the blog title because I want this to be my own little corner of the world where I can meet other like-minded individuals to share my hopes, dreams, complaints(from time to time) and just random thoughts that I have to share with anyone who feels they are worth reading.  And I hope people will comment, and I can comment back, and people will share their hopes, dreams or complaints with me as well. Kind of like that bar on Cheers where everybody knows your name. I can't believe I just said that. It took me forever to get that song out of my head, after hearing it on some TV commercial over the holidays.

I couldn't tell you what the product was that was being sold while that song was on, I tuned out the commercial just not the goofy song.

Anyway, when reading my blog, I want it to feel like we are sitting on my front porch.  The front of my wrap-around porch, back in the Midwest. There is a cool summer breeze that comes across every so often and I have a nice tall Venti Berry Hibiscus Tea packed with ice. In the winter that would be a Grande Peppermint Mocha(with whipped cream, please and thank you). We'd be sitting on my bench swing that creaks every so often, and my children would be catching fireflies as the sun begins to set.

I remember a long time ago, when I was around 26 or so, I met a woman named Myrtle. She was my best friend; she was 75. I learned so much from Myrtle and I remember getting teased at work for having a best friend who was 75. I didn't care. She and I would sit on her porch, in the wee hours of the morning drinking coffee, and we would talk about anything and everything there was to talk about.

And ohhhhh boy did we gossip. She knew it all, and I learned how to know it all too. I'm a nosy pollack by nature, it's in my blood, but when she and I got together, it was a "hoot and a holler fest" with Myrtle.

She was from Missouri. And she had this southern accent that I just loved hearing echo from her. She would say crazy, silly things like "...and he was higher than a Georgia Pine", or "All the good men died in the war" when I'd talk about dating again and my horrible luck with men. We use to watch Maury Povich and Montel Williams and just giggle at those goofy people on the TV.  She made me laugh. I miss her so much. The last time I talked to her I was pregnant with my twin boys. I hadn't told her I was pregnant, and wanted to wait until I had the boys to share the news. She wasn't feeling well that time I called her.  Little did I know that would be our last phone call.

She died that August, in Pensacola, Florida.

I had called her house after the birth of my boys, in October. Her husband answered, he couldn't hear very well and his health was deteriorating. After he finally understood what I was asking, he told me "Myrtle went to be with our Lord and Savior." It took everything in me not to start balling on the phone. I gave my condolences, asked her husband how he was doing, and that was the last time I spoke with him.

Damn I miss them both.

Anyway, I loved Myrtle and her husband more than anything. They were so good to my children, so good to me and we helped one another out so many times when we could. I would be a listening ear to her, and she would be the same.  I sent a message to her daughter on Facebook, but she never wrote back. I guess some people don't want a constant reminder of the people who were connected to their deceased loved ones. Too many memories?

I don't know.

Anyway, I want to have a front porch like that some day. Where a single mom who is just getting by finds a good friend to go to lunch with, share coffee with, or cry on a shoulder with. That was Myrtle.  I want to be just like her. She had a good, welcoming heart. Her door was always open to me and my children.  She had a true gift of unconditional love. I really do miss her.

So join me on my front porch here on the internet. Let's discuss, debate, cry, laugh, vent, and do all those things that Myrtle and I did in a little town in Indiana a long time ago.

Let's be friends.